I thought this was a bar, but I must be in a museum because you’re a piece of art.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
What does a house wear?
Address.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
What did the Clydesdale use to deal cards at the casino?
A horse-shoe.
What is a Greek dog’s favorite dessert?
Barklava!
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high.
How can a camel walk the desert without getting hungry? Because of all the sandwhiches there.
What did one bread say to another after a long day? Don’t worry because tomorrow will be butter.
What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots ? Tyrannosaurus tex!
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
Badum chhh
You know what they say? Words.
What do you call a wasp who is having a bad hair day?
A frizz-bee
Wanna make out in my Tundra Buggy?
When I proposed to my fiancee, she started crying. It must be because I proposed to her with an onion ring.
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
A burglar broke into my house and took all my condiments, now I'm Spiceless in Seattle.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
While leaving, the peach friend told his sad buddy, "If you need any help, just peach out, I will be there."
What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.
I am a huge fan of local cuisine, and cooking is my soup-er power!
A slimey snake slithered down the sandy sahara.
I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
What type of egg refuses to come out of his shell?
An egg-arophobic.
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
How do you get a baby alien to sleep?
Rocket.
You can pick your friends or you can pick your nose...
but you can't pick your friend's nose.
Why should somebody who's just out of rehab think twice before going on a skiing holiday?
Because it's a slippery slope.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
Why did the bunny eat the wedding ring? Because he heard it was 18 carrots.
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
Because he was newt to the area.
You stole my heart, so can I steal your last name?
What did the tree say after someone hit it? We should really call the copse.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
Why was the actress scared of the deer?
She had stag fright.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
Drums - You can't beat 'em. Well, you have to, really.
Why is Mrs Mayo mad at Mr Ketchup?
She caught him watching the salad dressing again.
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