My feelings for you are Mont-real.
Who babysits young Bigfoots?
Sasq-watcher.
Who is a beaver's most favorite pop singer ever? Justin Beaver.
Why did the squirrel take apart the classic car?
To get down to the nuts and bolts.
Why did the skeletons form a rock band?
They wanted to “Rattle them bones”!
Many mumbling mice are making merry music in the moonlight.
I was getting a record player down from a shelf and it dropped on my head!
But it didn't effect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me...
What is an ogre's favorite snack?
Y-ogre-t.
What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slow poke.
I can't let it be until I get your number.
Black Beauty - Now there's a dark horse.
On Halloween night a group of crows decided to enact a scene from the play Julius Ceaser, they were enacting the caw-nspiracy scene.
Did you know that you only need two letters to spell Panda?
You just need P and A.
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
Dad: Did you hear about the cow that was arrested?
Kids: No.
Dad: He was uddermining the authorities.
Hey, is your name daisy? Because I can’t resist the urge to plant you right over my heart.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
What is batman’s favorite food (ans Just-ice)
Not much, just-ice.
What does a dog wear when it’s cold outside?
A pet-ticoat.
The knife that Abraham used to kill Isaac has been found in Britain.
Apparently, it was a Dyson.
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
What is an astronaut's favorite candy bar?
Milky way.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony.
I told him that was daylight robbery.
Why did the scientist use a drink container to communicate with dolphins?
Because a bottle knows dolphin.
What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!
My friend who's a vampire was feeling a bit low. I told him to drink B positive.
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
When I proposed to my fiancee, she started crying. It must be because I proposed to her with an onion ring.
Are you a 90 degree angle? Because this feels just right.
What was the owl’s favorite Whitney Houston song?
Owl always love you.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
Why couldn’t the clownfish buy a house?
The fish could not buy a house because he didn’t have an-e-mon-e!
Beaver jokes
Can be pretty dam funny.
Why did the fruit run for president? He wanted world peach.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
Why do prisoners have PTSD? Cell Shock.
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
Roses are red, potatoes are brown; you are my favorite spud in the whole town!
What does a deer say when it prays to the god?
“Deer God!”
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
Strawberries are the most bullied of the fruits.
They're always getting picked on.
“The only reason a great many American families don't own an elephant is that they have never been offered an elephant for a dollar down and easy weekly payments."
- Mad Magazine
Q: What did the leaf say to the wind?
A: You really blew me away.
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