A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
Why did the snowman name his dog ‘Frost’?
Because ‘Frost’ bites.
Q: What happened to the peach who went to meet the knife?
A: He came back in many peaches.
It is not really much about how you bowl, but instead how you roll.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
Why did the skeleton go to the daycare?
To get his Kidneys.
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
Babe, your beauty makes the morning sun look like the dull glimmer of the moon.
Some pink birds can be really rude. I approached a group of them the other day and they screamed “Flamingo away!”
Why is Mrs Mayo mad at Mr Ketchup?
She caught him watching the salad dressing again.
Why didn’t the newlyweds plant any flowers this spring?
They were too busy planting kisses!
My pants are approaching escape velocity.
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
What did the aged cheddar say when his mom told him he couldn’t see a movie that was rated R?
“I’m mature for my age.”
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
If you're alone and get too cold, you might become ice-olated.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
Who cleans the bottom of the ocean? A Mer-Maid
Another truck crashed further down the road; this one was carrying wigs. The police are combing the area.
I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.
Roses are red, violets are blue. My heart began to beat when I first saw you.
Woah! What’s the name of THIS out-of-the-world body?
Did you hear about the loggers who stopped cutting down the forest? The trees really felt re-leafed.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
What is a cat’s favorite piece of artwork? The paw-trait of Meowna Lisa.
“Mom, what do we have for this dinner?” – “I cannot tell you. It is a little soup-prise, son!”
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
I know I've never been all that attractive.
But lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague.
Are you a cake? “Because I want a piece of that.”
When the ghost blew his nose, lots of boo-gers came out.
What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"
I heard they sent a beer into space, destined to leave the solar system. They called it Interstella Artois.
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
Why are pilots so bad at basketball?
Because they're always traveling.
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
Did you hear about the crocodile who was unable to mate?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
"If you want to know how old a woman is then ask her sister-in-law." - Edgar Howe
Why do you need six players to carry the volleyball to the game? No one can carry the volleyball and a whole team.
A few punny Wifi names you can use:
Wi-Fight the Inevitable
Chance the Router
The LAN Before Time
Silence of the LAN
I Believe Wi Can Fi
The Password is...
Click Here to Download
Get off my LAN
Router? I Hardly Knew Her
Definitely Not Wifi
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
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