What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
Hey girl, are you on the endangered species list? 'Cause baby you are one of a kind!
What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.
Sorry to bother you, I think I dropped my heart here. Can you pick it up?
Starlight, Starbright, why don’t you come home with me tonight!
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
Why did the banana go to the hostpital? Because it wasnt peeling very well
Where will Kim Jong-un’s ashes be stored?
In a Kim Jong-urn
Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.
Who else is a famous barnyard painter?
Pablo PIGcaso
I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
My chair finally broke down yesterday.
It just doesn't give a sit anymore.
“Someone asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do, and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true and incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.” – Gloria Steinem
Which month can’t make a decision?
MAY-be.
On Halloween night, the walking dead clones
Shuffle around with mumbled grunts and groans
But have no fear
When they come near
They would rather die, than turn off their phones!
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
What do you say to an astronaut looking for a car park
There's a spaceman.
Are you a keyboard? Because you're my type!
What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.
All theatres love to see scarecrows out in the audience as reviewers! They're simply outstanding in their field.
What can a whole orange do that half an orange can never do?
“Look round!”
What position did the young vampire bat play on the football team?
Quater-bat.
Hey baby, I think I'm going blind. Because I can't see you anymore.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
Where do vampires eat their lunch?
At the casketeria.
You may be flightless but you make my heart soar.
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
Get that red light ready, because you and I are about to score.
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
You can pick your friends or you can pick your nose...
but you can't pick your friend's nose.
Stolen Painting Found By Tree
It's ice to meet you.
What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on? Anything you want. He can't hear you.
To everyone in the Christmas Tree industry
You all do a great job! Stand up and take a bough!
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
If your mom slaps you with high frequency -
It Hertz
I have bean thinking about you.
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.
Do you play soccer? Because I think I'm gonna score tonight.
What does a giant Tyrannosaurus eat? Anything she wants!
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
“What’s your favorite childhood memory? Not paying bills.” – Anonymous
What is a criminal group of kangaroos called?
A gangaroo.
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
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