What do you call a cute donut?
A-dough-able.
Why did they take Polly away?
He went crackers!
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
You're as classy as the first Pan Am flight.
What do you call an onion that is very sick and has a high temperature? It is a boiling onion.
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
What do you drive in a river? An otter-mobile.
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
If you put a strawberry in the freezer, you can make a strawberry shake!
How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"
Why did the spider crawl up the elephants leg the second time?
It got pissed off the first time.
Can I interest you in a magic trick? Just give me your phone and watch my number magically appear on it.
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde? Perri-air.
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Beakaboo
I got fired for eating chips at work.
Well I really hated my job at the casino anyways.
I could have been an astronaut...
but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
How did the shark do on his test?
Fin-Tastic!
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
HELP! It's a taco emergency!
Dial 9 Juan Juan!
What did one cloud of fog say to the other?
I don’t know. It’s a mistery.
Snow on and snow forth.
A truck carrying thesauruses crashed on a motorway near my house. All the onlookers were startled, shocked, amazed, speechless and dumbfounded.
What do you call a very feminine cow that likes to be in charge? The Dairy Queen.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
A coworker said, "Oh my gosh there's a mouse on your desk!"
To which, I replied "I know! And it's not working!"
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”—Agatha Christie.
The color of the sky can help in predicting the weather. It gives a fair report of the hue-midity.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
Why did the other volleyball team bow? Because they heard that the queens of the court were there.
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
I’ve always loved the name Alexandra. Should I call you Alexandra, Alex, Lexie, or mine?
The mom to the naughty vampire said to him, “Watch your battitude, that is not how you talk to your elders.”
Why did the pony turn himself in?
He felt rem-horse.
I love you more than my mom loves Céline Dion.
Went on a diving trip with strangers and found a sunken vessel. We're all pitching in to salvage and rebuild it.
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friend-ship.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.
How do you keep a goat from charging?
You take his credit card away!
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
What did the rock say after it rolled into a tree? Nothing because rocks can’t talk.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
Why don’t you see an ocean in school?
They just can’t wade through all that homework.
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