Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?
Gnomads.

Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.

I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"

Q. What did the bully do to the orange?
A. Beat him to a pulp.

"If I win, I get to take you home. If you win, you can come home with me."
- Trees Lounge (1996)

I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.

My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.

"A Parent’s Prayer"

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,

Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,

But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!

– David Axton

I bought a bunch of antique spears online, but they arrived without their spear heads.
I got shafted.

Ah, I always knew all Alexanders were Great

"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon

Q: Why couldn’t the orange believe that her friend had let her down?
A: This was because citrus-ted him!

“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan

Why do sharks swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!

I checked my phone bill after my trip to Italy, and it said I spent DCXII dollars.
I must have left on Data Roman.

Did you hear that? They're playing our future song on the speakers!

One day, my stepfather ordered some fish tacos. I asked him what kind of fish goes in a fish taco.
He said, "Dead."

Is there an excessive heat warning or am I just hot for you.

Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play

What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY

Why shouldn't you lend a geologist money? They consider a million years ago to be Recent.

“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown

Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.

Babe can I get a cookie that tastes like you?

Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.

Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.

If I followed you home, would you keep me?

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton

-
"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan

Why do oranges wear suntan lotion? They peel in the sun.

Pilots would be very hard to beat in a competition, they are always ready for a-rrival.

Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.

A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.

My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.

I got sick when I lost one of my ear buds.
It was mono.

I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.

What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.

Dolphins don't have accidents.
They do everything on porpoise.

I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"

How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.

Why does a cow hate artificial milk? Because the substance is pow-dairy.

What’s green and mean and stabs you when you hug it?
Cactus

Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.

What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.

Everywhere’s a palace when I get to be with Alice

On reflection, vampires aren't actually that scary.

What's a bee's favorite hairstyle?
A buzz cut.

I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be dead
Than stuck with you!

People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.