Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.
What happened to the dull knife's application?
It was turned down, he just couldn't make the cut.
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position!
Why do interns make the best Dungeons and Dragons players?
They do it for the Experience.
We’ll have a ball.
I thought Happiness starts with H. But why does mine starts with U.
I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south.
"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." ~ Groucho Marx
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
What do you say when your horse proposes to your other horse?
Call the marrier!
My computer became self aware and asked for a snack.
I replied, "Sorry I'm fresh out of computer chips."
Excuse me, could you point me toward the Self-Help section? I need some advice on how to approach a gorgeous guy in a bookstore without seeming creepy.
You’re like a dictionary—you add meaning to my life.
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
Beauty is only pig skin deep
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
Why was the pig a pathological liar? It’s a porcine-ality disorder.
You might be startled to see a hamburger working out in your local gym. Don’t worry, they’re just there because they want better buns.
What’s the difference between a football (soccer) referee and a politician?
When the referee gets paid at least someone wins.
If a black bug bleeds black blood, what color blood does a blue bug bleed?
Do you know what you call it when you place beef between two slices of bread? You get a bull-only sandwich.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
Q: Why did the pillow go to the doctor?
A: He was feeling all stuffed up!
What did the sink say to the potty?
You look flushed!
What time does the Wicked Witch have her clocks set to?
Greenwitch Mean Time.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because you obviously landed on your face.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
The bottom of the butter bucket is the buttered bucket bottom.
It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.
It was so cold that we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm.
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."
What is fire to a pyromaniac?
Just a warm-up.
What's green and swims in the sea?
Moby Pickle.
"Beat it." — Michael Jackson, "Beat It"
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
The satellite went into the orbit, right on January 1st, causing a New Year’s revolution.
What do you say when your dad wears a speedo to the pool?
Spee-don’t!
Which dinosaur slept all day ? The dino-snore!
“Gardening. Cheaper than therapy (until your spouse adds up the receipts).”
— Anonymous
My friend mashed up some cherries on halloween and said they were blood. I was cherry-fied!
Which language do oranges use to speak to each other? Mandarin.
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
What are the rules in zebra baseball?
Three stripes, and you're out.
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
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