When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.

Can I be your next varietal?

“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”

“Until you’ve learned to drive, you’ve never really learned how to swear.”
— Robert Paul

Which dog won the race? A weiner dog.

Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.

I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”

What is the tree’s least favorite month of the year? SepTIMBERRRR.

Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.

What do you call a giant that's good at football?
Goaliath.

If an astronaut steps on chewing gum then what will happen to him? He will simply be stuck on the Orbit.

I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.

I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.

“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman

What do you get if you cross a tiger with a mammoth’s tusk?
A sabre-toothed tiger.

My husband was allergic to my cat so I knew I had to get rid of him… so I’m looking to rehome Gerry, he’s thirty-five and works in accounting!

Why can’t a legless skeleton win an argument?
They don’t have a leg to stand on.

What’s black and white and as hard as a rock?
A panda that’s fallen in cement.

Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.

Why don’t readers have extra time? They’re booked.

I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.

George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...
Careless Swissper.

My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"

This pool is impressive. Or should I say swim-pressive?

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx

No one could tame the unicorn. He was horn to be wild.

Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.

Sedimentary rock has got nothing on the many layers of your amazing personality.

If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.

Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets? Bootiques.

What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.

Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!

Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.

Whoa, Heaven must be missing an angel! Because you’re dead to me.

Should a gun company rename themselves "Question"?
That's a loaded Question

Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.

Are these pants too tight in the Balzac?

What do you get if a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.

After all is sled and done.

What kind of music do sophisticated frogs listen to?
Hopera.

There once was a fellow named Abe
And today is the day he was slayed
John Wilkes Booth took his life
As he sat with his wife
Who was visibly shocked and dismayed

In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born
A State that would later be torn
When a war was declared
And a nation prepared
For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn

He moved the Hoosier State
Where they always have corn on their plate
In the law he was trained
Much respect he attained
Winning many a rousing debate

In The Senate he later would serve
With copious gusto and verve
Then The White House he sought
Which he won by a lot
But many down south were unnerved

As President, Lincoln decided
That the law of the land was misguided
And that slaves should be freed
But the south disagreed
And the country was badly divided

What ensued was a horrible war
Full of death and destruction galore
The battles were heated
The south was defeated
But one aimed to settle the score

Now one hundred and forty-nine years

Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!

I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.

Santa’s whiskey was much too hearty,

It seems he was a bit of a smarty;

The last day of October,

He is clearly not sober,
He’s wound up at a Halloween party.

My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.

Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?

Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.

What happened to the two gladiator olives?
They were pitted against each other