Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
“My friend was attacked by a duck. I yelled “duck!” to warn him, but it just made it worse.”
- Kelkulus.
What was Moses' favorite color?
Red, see?
When Mr. Mushroom saw Miss Mushroom, he didn’t hesitate to ask her out on a date because he had she was such a fungi-rl.
In North Korea, you can not throw fruits in the snow as they don't have the right to freeze peach
The huddle is real
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
What did the pony say to the Jedi Knight before she left on her adventure?
“May the horse be with you.”
Why did the banana go to the Doctor? Because it was not peeling well
There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
What happened when a clumsy sommelier tried to decant a bottle of fine wine?
Things went pour-ably wrong.
I should have dressed up as a ghost tonight so I could let you under my sheets.
What do you call an irate kangaroo?
A k-angry-oo.
What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
Cash ew.
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
I met an annoying squid who wanted to become a comedian.
He wouldn’t stop kraken jokes.
How can colors be used to predict the weather?
By their huemidity.
Are you hypokalemia? Because you make me feel weak at the knees.
It may seem a bit corny but we appreciate you working your tail off for us.
In this day and age of technological breakthroughs, we surely can’t be far from a country song where a guy’s self-driving truck leaves him too.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
How do you apologize to a koala? BEAR your heart and soul.
Are you tinsel? Because I want you all over my tree.
Why do interns make the best Dungeons and Dragons players?
They do it for the Experience.
My dad and I saw this girl with a colorful backpack covered in pot leaves
He turned to me and said "thats a dope backpack". He is catching onto my slang.
The good pony apologized to the tiger at the zoo for his sore throat, he said: "I am sorry, I am a little horse."
I can’t believe such a perfect match could Alexis-t
Why are they called tacos?
They don’t say much.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.
What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry? Urgent Tina
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
Why wasn't King Kong able to climb to the top of the Empire State Building?
He couldn't quite fit in the elevator.
How do you know it's cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get chocolate ice cream!
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
I am.
I am who?
You mean you don’t know who you are?
As an April fools joke, I told my SO that I was pregnant...
...sadly she didn't fall for it.
What name does Santa Claus use when he takes a break from delivering gifts? Santa Pause!
You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? CHICKEN CAESER SALAD.
What country has the most birds?
Turkey.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” —H. Jackson Brown, Jr
Why was the zombie so grumpy?
He woke up on the wrong side of the dead.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
Who was the fastest runner of all time?
Adam. He was the first in the human race.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Control freak.
Co…
You should say "Control freak who" now.
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