Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre?
A: They apparently went to see "Closed For The Winter"
What do you call a Stegosaurus with carrots in its ears? Anything you want, it can't hear you!
What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Can!
Can who?
Can I worm my way in to your house!
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
How do ski instructors get to work?
By icicle.
“Grandparents are there to help the child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.”—Gene Perret
How do you stop your dog from barking in your front yard?
Put him in your backyard.
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!
What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?
Nein! Mine Stein!
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
Did you know you can hear blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
The walls in this tennis factory are so thin, that when I try to get some work done, all I hear is people making a racquet.
What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
I was arrested by the grammar police for not using the full stop correctly.
I am now looking at a long sentence.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
What do rabbits like to sing? “Every bunny was kung fu fighting.”
That skeleton over there said he’d get your number for me, but he didn’t have the guts, so here I am.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
Beer-lieve it or not!
Q: Why do windmills love loud, heavy rock music?
A: They’re metal fans.
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
Nobody would ask the strawberry to go to the prom because it was past her sale by date.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
How are waiters and blockers similar? When they do a good job, they get a big fat tip.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
What did the seal with a broken arm say to the shark?
"Do not consume if seal is broken."
I would totally carve your pumpkin.
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
What is a bear’s favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.
What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?
“You make me melt.”
What does the fish say when she disagrees with her husband?
I don’t quite sea it that way.
What did the blind man say after being handed a cheese grater? "That's the most violent book I've ever read."
What do you call half a head of lettuce?
The Romaine-der.
Do you want to die happy?
I've heard lovemaking is a killer.
In the history of bowling, there is one bowler who floats like a butterfly and stings pretty much like a bee. His name is Muhammad Alley.
Large, pink birds are a good asset to a football team. They’re very used to playing flamingoalie.
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