The bartender told the ghost they don't serve spirits after midnight.
My girlfriend left me because all I do is talk about football.
I'm so sad, we were together for 3 seasons.
Are you doing Ananda Balasana, or are you just happy to see me, baby?
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!
Ever wonder how gorillas can be so strong when they eat mostly a plant based diet?
Cuz they don't monkey around when it comes to strength training!
Went on a diving trip with strangers and found a sunken vessel. We're all pitching in to salvage and rebuild it.
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friend-ship.
What did the sea say to the river? You can run but you can't tide.
If you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
Who gives sharks presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws.
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
Why was the little bee sent to bed without supper?
Because he wouldn't beehive.
Werewolf Weather Furcast: Tomorrow we expect heavy showers.
I’m trying to teach my son how to put the chain back on his bike but he still can’t seem to do it.
I guess it must be sprocket science.
What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews
A car company tried to make a submarine, but it kept surfacing too quickley
The crew got the Mercedes-Bends
Who’s a llama’s favorite actor?
Al Pacacino.
Why do owl babies take after their dad?
Like feather, like son.
Having a dirt yard instead of grass is a bold move...
But having a giant rock is boulder.
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
Why is Pegasus so smart?
He’s all kno-wing.
Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.
The watermelon thief was charged with robbery with violence, but the judge later changed that to a minor felony; or melony as he put it.
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
Is there a magnet in here because I'm really attracted to You.
What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death
Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up
And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear
Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!
Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!
(By Rick W. Cotton)
Turns out my dad who’s a locksmith still has to go to work during lockdown.
He’s a key worker, you see.
What did the pickle say when he was told he was going in to a salad?
I relish the thought.
My neighbor said a man walked into my garden and stole my mangoes.
I am wondering where did that mango.
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
When a girl saw a sad alligator at the zoo she asked him; hey are you cai-man?
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
I bought my wife a matching belt and bag for Valentine's Day
She should have that vacuum up and running in no time.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
What did the hummus say to the pita bread when he got sick?
I falafel.
I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.
Dublin over in laughter.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a bell?
An alarm cluck.
Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.
Teaching babies to walk is hard, but you just have take it one step at a time.
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse? The Codfather
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
What do you call a fake Nokia? A phone-y of course.
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
The wind had such a great time. You could say it had a blast.
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