What is a pizza’s favorite movie?
Pie hard.
What did the ground say to the earthquake? You crack me up!
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
Why did the bus driver take a break? He needed to 'stop' and refuel!
What do you call a pear in a compressor?
Pear pressure!
Why do poets always write about the sea?
They just can’t fathom her depths.
Where do horses live in Harry Potter?
Diagonal Alley.
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
Your gravitational pull is irresistible!
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?
Copy and basting.
This year I'm carving my pumpkin to look like an intricate ball of rope, so it can be a gourd-ian knot.
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
Why were the two retinas such good friends?
They always saw eye-to-eye.
What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.
I love you from my head tomato
Camel called.
He wants his toe back.
What is a koala’s favorite type of fruit? Bearies.
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
What do cows get when they are sick? Hay Fever.
There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
I tried to hit the picture cleanly over the fence, but it was framed.
What did the guy at the party say when he realized there was nothing left to dip his tortilla chip in?
“I’ve hit guac bottom.”
What did the baby corn call his dad?
Pop corn!
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
Why shouldn’t you go into business with a watermelon?
“They’re seedy.”
Haven’t I seen you before? Maybe in my dreams?
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
Girl you are like the sweet song of a choir.
Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
I know I’m not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but one glance at you and I’m already interested.
Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.
What kind of gang violence is common among owls?
A drive by hooting.
Tom threw Tim three thumbtacks.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite movie?
A. Planet of the Apes.
Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.
Hey there cyclist, I wheelie like you!
I’ve just read that according to statistics, donkeys kill more people every year than sharks.
I better watch my ass.
That rainbow is so neat, it must be professional gradient.
Why did the Ghost turn down the job? He could not see himself doing it.
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
Why are football players not allowed in bowling alleys?
After getting a strike, they spike the ball.
Why couldn’t the dragon eat his birthday cake?
He destroyed it while trying to blow out the candles.
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
When I went to highschool in Italy my classmates were one year older than me.
I Skipped pasta grade.
What do you call a koala with no teeth? A gummy bear.
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