Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
I have a question for people who take the bus...
Are you supposed to give it back?
What kind of eels can travel on land?
Wheels.
A friend has joined a blonds only theatre group. Fair play to him.
I was kidnapped by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
What is a criminal group of kangaroos called?
A gangaroo.
I once tried crossing a flamingo with a cement mixer. Sounds crazy, but I really wanted a good brick layer.
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
How can you spot a fashionista donut?
They’re into all the latest glazes.
What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?
“You make me melt.”
Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
What did Sophocles call his dating service in Ancient Greece?
Oedipal Arrangements.
Other people had drugs in school, but I brought Greek cheeses.
That way I could have math and feta cheese.
I give roughing a whole new definition.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.
Why don’t alligators watch movies?
Because they live in swamps.
What is a dog’s favorite vegetable? A collie flower.
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
A captain was barking at his crew. "What do you think is between yer ears!?"
"Eye Eye, Captain!"
What do you think they use in space, when they run out of the drinking cups? The Big Dipper.
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
You must be copper because I always cu in my dreams.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” ~ Joan Rivers
A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
Call me Pooh. Because all I want is you, honey!
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.
My printer just told me it was joining a band.
Makes sense since it lives to jam.
Hey baby, can I get your phone number? Oops, too late.
Calling my new dog “Shark” was a mistake.
I’ve been banned from all my local beaches.
I really wish my five-year-old son would make up his mind! First, he said he wanted a treehouse in the backyard, but now, he says he doesn't need it…
Took me twenty years to grow that thing!
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
Why is ice cream so bad at tennis?
They have a soft serve.
What do elves learn when they go to school?
The elf-abet.
They call the first episode of a TV show a "Pilot", because anyone can fly a plane for a couple seconds....
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
What do you call a snowman on rollerblades?
A snowmobile.
How can you tell if you are in love?
If they stole a pizza your heart.
What do penguins drink during the summer?
Iced tea.
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
The peach was late for work because it had to make some pit stops on the way.
Which bird is the most contented? The crow, because he never complains without caws.
I'm no Jane, but I'd Eyre on the side of saying I think you're beautiful.
What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
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