I left chess club early this week.
I was just so board.

How do you greet a five-headed ghoul?
Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello!

Did you know that old bowlers do not die? They simply end up in gutters.

I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.

What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.

I was getting a record player down from a shelf and it dropped on my head!

But it didn't effect me

It didn't affect me

It didn't affect me

It didn't affect me...

What do you call an elf who runs away from Santa's Workshop? A rebel without a Claus!

How do planets staying busy during hunting season?
By shooting stars.

I’m winning this race to get your number. Are you game?

After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.

Why do ice cream cones always carry an umbrella?
There’s a chance of sprinkles.

What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.

I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence

How are zombies like computers?
They use mega-bites!

I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.

There's nothing humble about my warrior.

What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.

The phone rings, and a crow picks it only to find out it’s for her husband. She then says: "Hey John, you have a phone caw."

What does a werewolf say in church?
Howleluia!

“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown

Do you like yoga? Because yoganna love what I can offer you.

A werewolf that is confused on what to wear is not a dumb one, instead it is a what-to-wear-wolf.

How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.

. How can you easily identify a dogwood tree? By listening to the bark.

Why did the chicken cross the road? It was playing crossy road.

“I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
“I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I’m going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I’ve counted sixteen chicken pox
And there’s one more--that’s seventeen,
And don’t you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut--my eyes are blue--
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I’m sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button’s caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle’s sprained,
My ‘pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow’s bent, my spine ain’t straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangn

“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis

Corn mazes should be renamed Maize mazes.

What happened when the kitten turned one? She had a birthday paw-ty.

What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.

Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.

I threw water on a flamingo the other day
Now it's just an O.

You remind me of a thunderstorm: positively striking.

You look like a bowl of ice cream, I just want to spoon you.

Bowlers pay a lot of money to play. This is because it is a bum per lane.

German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"

German Dude: "German".

Airport Guy: "Occupation?"

German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".

Why was the evergreen so lonely in high school? She was always pining to become a part of the poplar kids.

Where do dolphin races end?
Dolphinish line!

Feeling cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.

We’ll have a splash-tastic time.

“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”

What does a bowler and a Thanksgiving guest have in common?
They both want a Turkey.

What do sophisticated fish drink? Salt-Tea.

Unbelievably there was yet another truck crash, this time it was carrying Vicks VapoRub. There was no congestion for the rest of the day.

What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!

“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown

Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?
He didn’t have a leg to stand on.

Why don't pets make good astronauts?
They're afraid of the spay station

Do you have a Bandaid? Cos I just scraped my knee falling for you.

“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown