How do you spot a radical baker?
They’re always going against the grain.
Why don't we head to my bedroom, peel back my Star War sheets, and discover what a true Jedi can do with his lightsaber?
"The first thing you learn in life is you’re a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you’re the same fool."
Anonymous
There once was a colour named orange,
...Damnit.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.
Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It's the one rated Arrrr!
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
French fries aren’t cooked in France
They’re cooked in greece.
I met this really beautiful crustacean, but I lobst her number.
Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing but this is as close as I could get.
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
“The taxpayer—that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” — Ronald Reagan.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
What is a wolf’s favorite time of the year?
The howl-o-days.
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer!
Hey baby, the sun is not the only thing that rises.
What do you call an italian mosquito?
Malario.
There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin
What do fish use for money?
Sand dollars!
“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.”
—P.J. O’Rourke
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
What does an ice cream lawyer say?
You got served.
During the summer break, I enrolled myself in a peach coding course.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
I can figure out the square root of any number in less than 10 seconds. What? You don’t believe me? Well, then, let’s try it with your phone number.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
You like curling? Check out me curling my biceps!
Why are some umpires fat?
Because they always clean the plate.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
What does a ghoul say when they wake up?
Gaaarrrh I love the smell of ghoul in the morning!
Theatre costumes must be handled with care since they're often laced with something.
Making puns ha?
Toucan play that game.
"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!
I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!
Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?
(Laura Loo)
I can’t believe that during the attempted murder, John Crow, Russel Crow and Sheryl Crow were all in the room.
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
Oh wow sorry – I just got l’Austin your eyes.
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat?
‘Here Kitty, kitty, kitty’!
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
Which flower is known as the most ferocious flower? A tiger lily.
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