Young Billy had to mail a loaf of bread at the toast office today.
There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
"I heard some dictator wants to move the Earth further from the sun."
"Why??"
"Because it will take longer to make a full revolution."
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you.
Join us and let’s make pizza cheese grate again.
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
What do you call a waffle laying on a beach?
Sandy eggo.
Fall is coll-arding; it’s time to leave.
My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony.
I told him that was daylight robbery.
My love for you is like the universe… never-ending!
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A hippo is really heavy, but a Zippo is a little lighter.
Is it true that you are from China since I’m China get your number?
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Abby.
Abby who?
Abby birthday to you!
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
I had a dream that I was a mechanic who fixed wrecked cars.
It was an auto body experience.
Why doesn’t Frankenstein go on airplanes?
He can’t get past the airport metal detector.
The evil King of Weatherland only had one favorite weather - hail, storm.
You're as intoxicating as a home distilled liquor.
Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.
Why did some of the elves spell Christmas as N-O-E? Because Santa said No L!
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now, let's try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
What does a flower do when they get caught in a lie?
Backpetal.
What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice. Nothing he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine
I followed my heart to you.
If you were a jack-o'-lantern, I'd totally light your candle.
I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.
But unfortunately Sierra Mist
Why do pigs make awful football players?
They don’t like playing with the “pig skin.”
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
There once was a koala who could run at a speed of more than 800 miles per hour. He was the first koala to break the sound bearier.
What happens when you’re alone and you get too cold.
You’re totally ice-olated.
What did the big stag deer say to the hunter?
“Buck off, man!”
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
I'm a gymnast, so if you're down for some mattress yoga, count me in!
The chicken farmer died under mysterious circumstances.
The police suspect fowl play.
Would you sit on my feet while I do push ups?
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
Roses are red
Violets are blue
tl;dr
They differ in hue.
You’re like my coffee, you keep me up all night.
My Chinese neighbour said he's just opened a crows shop.
Speaking slowly, I said "you mean a *clothes* shop?"
He says, "No, a crows shop - come in and have a rook."
A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".
The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"
The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"
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