Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
I was working on my family history. Do you think it's too early to list you as a spouse?
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
So apparently coles has a new thing where you can only have one salad per transaction
They’re calling it coleslaw..
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
A woman who gave birth in a tree was sent to jail
She was charged with treeson
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
I don’t know why I couldn’t convince my wife she would like the set of knives I made her for Mother’s Day.
I made several good points.
I was at the beach today when I saw a man in the sea yelling “Help, shark! Help!”
I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?
Who needs a sled when you can just ride me?
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
Why are we only concerned about snowmen not snowwomen?
Because only men are stupid enough to stand out in the snow without a coat.
Which side of a duck has the most feathers?
The outside.
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
"My Missing Shoe"
I looked for you by the front door,
Under my bed, on the bathroom floor,
Near the back stairs, in the drawer with my socks,
Next to the table, and out in the sandbox.
My mother is calling me, and I’m calling you,
Where have you gone, my missing shoe?
Since all the hot ones are already taken, this is going to be your lucky night!
What do you call a 2D fairy?
Pixie-lated.
Hey, I don’t know what you think of me but I hope it’s X-rated.
What always succeeds? A toothless parrot! (sucks seeds)
What do you get when you cross a goblin, a stop sign, and immortality?
An everlasting gobstopper!
What time do you have to be back in heaven?
Fortune-teller was killed by a car bomb
Couldn’t foresee the C4.
What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
Give me my quarter back.
I’m a hockey player; of course my stick is curved!
Why was the Blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away the W's.
A Pun, a Play on Words, and a Limerick walk into a bar....
No Joke.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
Why do girls scouts sell cookies? They wanna make a sweet first impression.
How old was the cave man on his birthday?
Stone Age.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
Due to social distancing, I had a conversation with a spider today,
Seems nice, he’s a web designer.
Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?
“Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and fertilize!”
— Anonymous
“No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.”
- Alan Arkin.
Why is the world so diverse? Because it contains alkynes of people.
If you go to a beach and you can see through it, you could say the coast is clear.
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
At the Italian restaurant, the ghoul ordered spook-ghetti for his main course.
The best place on earth to shop for soccer kits is New Jersey.
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
Can one tropical bird change a lightbulb?
No, but toucan.
If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.
What do you call a werewolf escapologist?
Hairy Houdini.
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
Why did the soccer player bring string to the game? So he could tie the score.
I like looking at a chart of all the chemical elements... periodically.
Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.
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