You can virtually stay in any room. The only one you can’t is the mush-room because it is reserved for fungi.
What did the worm want to do when he grew up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).
Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
Recently, i started learning Spanish
But i can't hola long conversation.
Why did the kraken eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?
Because nobody can eat just one potato ship.
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
Why did the citrus fruit join the military?
“Because it was a navel orange.”
What’s does a winged horse like to munch on?
Pe-grass-us.
Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can’t drink and derive…
What did his wife give the guy when he came home all sweaty from his run?
The stink eye.
I want you more then an ice-cream on a hot summer day.
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?
It came back with a skeleton crew.
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
I'm studying the meaning of couches in different parts of the world.
It's really PhillySOFAcal.
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
Are you a unicorn cause you are my fantasy.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
Love me till ice cream.
Today I helped father-in-law to fix his plants
it was very grounding.
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
What did the orange say when a knife pierced it’s peel? Flesh wound.
What kind of underwear does a math-obsessed mermaid wear?
An algae bra.
We’re in a-green-ment.
I keep making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
Not to brag, but I beat the state chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.
The knife that Abraham used to kill Isaac has been found in Britain.
Apparently, it was a Dyson.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
I don't have a Christmas list, cuz you're already the best gift.
Happy Valentine's day.
Such a Lovely day.
I ain't greedy baby, all I want is all you got.
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden Seizure salad
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
Who were the original transformers? Vampire bats!
Your sweater must be made out of wife material.
When does a skeleton laugh?
When someone tickles his funny bone.
Did you hear about the geologist who got divorced?
He was taking his wife for granite, so she left him.
I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
I don’t know why I couldn’t convince my wife she would like the set of knives I made her for Mother’s Day.
I made several good points.
After a long March, April always puts a little spring in my step.
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A snow-fake!
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