There’s a lot to be said about marriage, but we try not to say it in front of the children.
What's a doctor hope to gain from a urine test?
Whizdom
Why are boy keyboards scared of girl keyboards?
They don't want to get qwerties.
There once was a man from Peru,
his limericks always end on line two.
How did the hipster drown?
He ice-skated before it was cool.
When does it rain brains?
During a brain storm.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Are you dessert because I'm finished.
What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits.
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
“Jet lag is for amateurs.”
— Dick Clark
Did you hear about the two spiders who just got engaged? I hear they met on the web."
Wanna go out this weekend? Maybe go on a quick John-t around town?
In grammar you shouldn’t do double negatives.
It’s a no no.
For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Will you be the perimeter to my world?
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
What did the florist say when it was springtime?
Business is blooming!
How many gnomes does it take to change a lightbulb?
It takes a village!
"Do you play the trom-bone?"
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
What is ice cream’s favorite TV show?
Game of Cones.
Are you from Sheffield? Because you’re steeling my heart.
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A panda rolling down a hill.
What did the deer say when she met her favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn of your movies!”
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving?
He won't inhale.
I'm really obsessed with the F1 key on my keyboard. I'm trying to get help.
"The taxpayer: that's someone who works for the federal government, but doesn't have to take a civil service examination."
- Ronald Reagan
Whats the worst thing about manufacturing tabletops?
It's counterproductive.
Where do monkeys go when they lose their tails?
To a retailer.
Enough of the Corona virus jokes
We're all getting sick of them!
Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.
“So far as I know, anything worth hearing is not usually uttered at seven o’clock in the morning; and if it is, it will generally be repeated at a more reasonable hour for a larger and more wakeful audience.”
— Moss Hart
A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.
When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".
A father was reading a book while his son was playing with toys on the floor. “Daddy, why is that book so thick?” asks the boy.
“It’s long story,” replies the father.
Do you want to try my soup? I have enough for broth of us!
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
I'm not the fig plucker,
nor the fig plucker's son,
but I'll pluck figs
till the fig plucker comes.
I went to an Easter party as a Jesus cosplayer
I told them I was a crossplayer.
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!
I know, I’ll never have a chance with you but will you give me a chance to hear an angel talk?
Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.
What keeps the beat in a baseball song?
The bass line.
Baby, you’re hotter than Rome under Nero.
“No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
- Kin Hubbard.
You’re a woman from East Transylvania
Dating Dracula, with his weird mania.
He asks you each night
To go out for a bite —
An experience certain to drain ya.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
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