A priest is the best catch for a tiger as they like to prey.
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
Who brings presents for crows on Christmas? On Christmas? Santa Caws
What do llamas always reply when you thank them?
No probllama.
Can I take a few shots at your goal?
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
If I freeze, it's not a computer virus. I was just stunned by your beauty.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
What do you call an otter with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
What is the first thing that gorillas learn at kindergarten?
Apey Cee's?
Gold riddance.
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
Is it bad to swallow a cherry whole? No don't worry, it's just one of the pitfalls of life.
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
What did the Easter bunny say about the Easter parade?It was eggs-cellent.
Why don’t clams give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish!
I can heartly wait to see you.
Where do wasps go on holiday?
Stingapore.
I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.
A blond was taking helicopter lessons.
The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great.
At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground.
The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"
The blond said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."
It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.
What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
That was ruff.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
What does bread say to a friend after doing them a favor?
It’s the yeast I could do.
What did the baby mosquito say after his first flight?
“Mama, mama! Did you see that? Everyone was clapping for me!”
I killed all the knights in the Iron Keep, except one,
He was Allone
Subway - Lettuce know how we did.
What kind of vehicle does Bigfoot drive?
A big toe-truck.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
What is a bear’s favorite soda?
Coca Koala.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Parton!
Parton who?
Parton my French!
My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
What was Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA... BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA...
How can you make a computer system cry? Delete his cookies.
Let's hang out sometime. You bring your beaker and I'll bring my stirring rod.
What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer? The Space bar!
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
"Whoever says friendship is easy has obviously never had a true friend!"
— Bronwyn Polson
What does a trumpet and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
Two flies were fighting on a toilet seat.
One got pissed.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
The painter loved to paint because he was drawn to art.
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
“Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.”
-Russell Baker
“Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.”
James A. Garfield
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