Seeing that you're new here, let me show you where the water fountain is...the next drink's on me.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Beats.
Beats who?
Beats me.
Q: Where can a tornado be jailed?
A: In a high pressure cell.
What did the cat say when something bad happened? That’s un-fur-tunate!
It's true what they say about scaring vampires with a torch.
You can see it in their fright of light response.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
Why did no one want to sit near Shrek?
He had terrible body ogre.
The best gift I ever got was a broken drum...
You can't beat it.
Let's cross the international dateline together.
How does a vampire bat enter his house?
Through the bat flap.
A father was reading a book while his son was playing with toys on the floor. “Daddy, why is that book so thick?” asks the boy.
“It’s long story,” replies the father.
What did the WiFi router say when it was unplugged?
"Tell my wifi love her
Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lego
Lego who?
Lego of me and I'll tell you!
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
Prague is my number one choice for a dream destination...
Dying to Czech it out
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
Even though there's no ball game on tonight, we can still slam it.
"Life is too short for self-hatred and celery sticks."
– Marilyn Wann
A man has been arrested in South Africa for shooting a giant chess set
What's wrong with those big game hunters?!
What do you call an evil lemon?
Sour On
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
"What's the the best thing about living in Switzerland?"
"I don't know, but the flag's a big plus."
Which month do soldiers hate most? The month of March!
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
Why shouldn’t you shoot an alligator?
He’ll just bite the bullet and make the best of it.
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
How do cats say goodbye in Italy?
Miao.
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
Are you good at finding things? Because I think you may have found my heart. Also, I don't know which zone I parked my car into so I need help with that too. Thanks!
The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.
What do you get if you cross a lemon with a dinosaur
Tyrannosourest Rex.
What kind of wine do they serve at the horse races?
Chardon-neigh!
What do you call a dog from the Wild West?
Clint Eastwoof.
What do men and pantyhose have in common? They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.
How many ears do you think a Spock has? Three. A right ear, left ear, and a final front ear.
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
Do you know what's on the menu tonight, girl?
Me 'n' U.
Why are apples afraid to grow in the United States? Because they don't want to be as American as apple pie.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
Because he thought his wife was a flake.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
Why should you never fight a Gorilla?
They know king kong fu.
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