Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot

“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen

Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the heck is my roof ?

My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'

"The Theoretic Turtle"

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

– Amos R. Wells

What weighs more: a pound of logs or a pound of leaves? They weigh the same.

What do you get when you spell gibberish backwards?
Gibberish.

What did the rainwater say as it ran off the road.

Grate.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera.

Flamingos are pretty daring birds. They like just about anything, as long as it’s eggs-citing.

There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.

My mind works like lightning.
One brilliant flash and it's gone.

Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.

Damn girl, are you British?
Because you just conquered my heart

What do you call a spiders child?
An arach-kid.

The tiger ran away from other tigers as they were rude to him. He didn't want to be involved in a catfight.

"Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing."
— Joss Whedon

What do you call a girl watermelon cop on the beat? A water fe-melon duty.

My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)

I'm the pun King of Halloween.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”

The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.

In spite of all restrictions because of Covid, diplomats are allowed to travel freely across countries.
Because they have immunity.

What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.

here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.

“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw

What did the deer say to his friend when he suggested a trip to the park? Good i-deer!

What did the zombie pour on her dinner?
Grave-y.

Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*

My Dad drove a truck for 32 years.
He was terrible with directions.

What kind of key does a ghost use to unlock his room? A spoo-key.

I feel the rush upon eating chocolate whenever I hold your hand.

Did you hear about the guy who got killed by a bear?
It was a grizzly death.

"In childhood, we yearn to be grown-ups. In old age, we yearn to be kids. It just seems that all would be wonderful if we didn’t have to celebrate our birthdays in chronological order." - Robert Brault

How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.

The best gift I ever got was a broken drum...
You can't beat it.

Why did the baseball team recruit a tiny ghost?
Because they needed a little team spirit.

What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI

There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
Ha gazed at the moon
Every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person in Tring.

Man: What do math and my dick have in common? They're both hard for you
Woman: You must be a math problem because you're annoying and difficult. I don't wanna solve your problems for you.

What do you call monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.

May I ride your broomstick? I lost mine.

There’s an earthquake in my heart, and you’re the epicenter.

What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light

I thought this was a bar, but I must be in a museum because you’re a piece of art.

Grammar has never been my strong suit.

What’s the scariest koala movie ever made? The Bear Witch Project.

Tis the sea-sun.

Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”

Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”