There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
There’s this corn on the cob stand that I really like, but it started making ads
They were really corny.
Are you religious?
Because your prayers have just been answered.
"I now pronounce you dumped and single. You may now kiss my ass."
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
What do you say when you want a kiss from a flower?
Plant one on me.
How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
Shocked!
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
Please wait, bewitcha in a minute.
What did one cactus say to the other cactus ?
"Lookin sharp !"
What do dogs have that no other animal has?
Puppies.
Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read
If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you
(Horst Winkler)
Scrambled eggs are similar to a losing basketball team because both are beaten.
What do dogs say when something cool happens?
Paw-some.
Did you hear that cats have carried out a Coup in Barcelona and declared independence from Spain?
They're calling themselves the Republic of Catalo-nya.
When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...
I’ll never fir-get.
Excuse me, I think you dropped something - my jaw.
"Diaper Alert"
My God!
what's in yond wind yee broke
doth burn mine eyes
and make me choke.
Such bitter breeze
such wafting savor
assaults mine senses
which flee in terror!
No sewage pit
nor stagnant mire
cans't rival thine
unholy power.
A road dead skunk
in a summer's swelter
would smell more like a rose
most precious flower.
What cursed perfume
thou villainous rouge
doth linger in thine wake
begone and find your mom I say
it's her turn for goodness sake!
– Running Wolves
It was hot today and when I went outside I saw there was a line of guys standing outside the hairdressers. I thought to myself, "Such a lovely day to have a barber queue".
If you feel cold
I can warm you up
If you are sad
I can cheer you up
If you are hungry
We can share an egg cup
But if you need money
Sorry, I have to shut up.
(Unknown)
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
What soup killed Rob Stark? Italian Wedding Massacre.
The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.
I said ether/ore.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"
Hey Erin, ever heard that sharin’ is carin’? Care to share a meal together sometime?
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
Dog to Waiter: Are there any bones in this?
Waiter to Dog: Yes sir, why’s that?
Dog to Waiter: Because I really dig them!
Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?
Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.
What's a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
Did you see the award-winning movie about a hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener!
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter
Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
He would only do the bear minimum.
What do you call a horse going down a waterslide?
Horseback sliding.
A young slice of bread came up to his crush. He told her that he was really falling in loaf with her.
What is an owl’s favorite Beatles’ song?
Owl you need is love.
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.
A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have...... a soda water.
The bartender replies “why the long paws?”
All vampires seem to have the same thing for their last meal. A stake.
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
What’s a snow princess’s glow worm’s favourite song?
Let it Glow, Let it Glow!
What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!
Why did the hunter miss his mark?
He was not aiming deerectly for it.
Are you an astronaut? Because I need some space.
Let’s get drinks this weekend. Are you Lilli-an, or Lilli-out?
I’m icing the kicker – and by kicker, I mean beer.
This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.
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