I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
A cream-filled donut and an eclair decided to get a divorce.
It’s a sad story, but the real victims are their children. They’re in for a grueling custardy battle.
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face?
A mouse-tache!
What do you get when you cross a bat with a doorbell?
A ding-bat.
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
what does a female corn do when she likes a male corn?
she corn-fesses.
What do dinosaurs put on their pizza? Tomato-saurus
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
How were CDs packaged in Ancient Egypt?
Sphinx wrapped
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Aida.
Aida who?
Aida sandwich for lunch today.
“Some of our greatest historical and artistic treasures we place with curators in museums; others we take for walks.”—Roger Caras
Fall leaves whenever winter knocks on the door.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
Was Just showing my dad my new living space. He asked “what’s upstairs?”
I Just responded with “dad, stairs don’t talk.”
When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
What does a person with Covid like to drink?
Coughy.
Judging by the sounds, there’s an ogre staying in the hotel room above me.
Hopefully he shreks out tomorrow.
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
I have a bone to pixie with you.
Who are the cousins of the werewolf?
What-wolf and When-wolf
Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
Why shouldn’t you iron a four-leaved clover?
You don’t want to press your luck.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep? Matt. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob.
Babe, I just checked Spotify. It says you're this week's hottest new single.
My dog’s favorite band is The Beagles.
What cheese is made backwards?
Edam.
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
I went to my kid's school for an art exhibition
It was paper view.
What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army?
A kernel.
It's been a while since I heard jokes about people sitting on wet morning grass.
They're over dew.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
"The Crocodile"
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
– Lewis Carroll
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.
Your name must be Candy- cuz you look so sweet.
This love feels like floating endlessly in outer space and looking for your pretty lost smiles.
I don’t want your candy, what I really want is your number.
Today, my pastor started talking to the drum set during his sermon.
Boy did I appreciate the cymbal-ism
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
I was going to smoke a turkey this Thanksgiving.
But they banned flavored vapes.
I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.
My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!
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