Tennis matches and strawberry jam have one thing in common. Cons-serve.
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
A place under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted.
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.
(Anonymous)
"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest."
- Professor Irwin Corey
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
What did the wig say to the head?
I got you covered.
It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!
KID :"DAD, make me a sandwich."
DAD :"Poof, you're now a sandwich."
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
Having a ball this weekend with my best friends
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
Uni-corn? I though that’s what you call a single grain or maize.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
What might folks in Tokyo find between Godzilla's toes?
Slow runners.
Does anyone know where we find the handmade Mother's Day gifts the school sends out each year?
I checked my kids' backpacks like usual but they weren't there.
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz
Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?
Because they’ll never meet.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
What is a frog's favorite time?
Leap year.
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the thin ice our relationship is on.
“The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.”
- Ambrose Bierce.
I know a guy who absolutely loves his pet Parrot.
He is Polly-Amorous.
There are so many jokes about classical composers I could write you a Liszt.
What is a dog’s favorite pizza topping?
Pup-peroni.
Why are bread puns the greatest? They never grow mold.
How did the skeleton baker make bread?
He Knee-d it.
What do you call a Tyrannosaurus under stress?
A nervous rex.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
Why was the bucket so embarrassed at the beach?
Because of how pail it was.
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
Little Johnny asked his father, "Dad, can you write in the dark?"
His father said, "I think so. What do you want me to write?"
Little Johnny replied, "Oh, just sign this report card for me..."
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Control freak.
Co…
You should say "Control freak who" now.
There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, 'Are these caps?'
She answered, 'Perhaps!'
That oracular Lady of Prague.
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
We need to cover more ground so we should split up.
If home is where the heart is, then my home is in you.
Are you the one who signed up for the pee club?
Because if so, urine.
I think we'd grow a great organic garden together.
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice Skating before it was cool.
Now that it's summer, we've got to seas the day!
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
What flies around your light at night and can bite your head off?
A tiger moth.
Did you hear about the koala bear in the church choir? Yeah, they say he sings bearitone.
Have you heard about a man who became a werewolf?
He was distressed at first, but then he took a lycan to it.
Why couldn't the alpha helix say the alphabet?
Because it broke up every time it got to L-amino P.
Why did the cosmonaut take his dog to the vet?
He came down with a stellar case of lunar tics.
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