Are you a cherry? Because I want to pick you up.
I bet we'd get into some serious Treble together.
Scissors sizzle, thistles sizzle.
What do you call an evil lemon?
Sour On
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even."
- Will Rogers
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
What do you call an alien spaceship that's leaking water?
A crying saucer.
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
I loved the soup that they served at the local restaurant yesterday. It was simply pho-nomenol.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was bored of just standing there.
Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!
How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.
What do you call a guy that has good manners, bad hygiene, and an affinity for word play?
PunGent.
The perfume was very cheap.
It's price was in cents.
Q. How do does and fawns fly from place to place?
A. In a deer-igible
What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”
- John Steinbeck.
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
My lenses turn dark in the sunshine of your love.
What do you call Chewbacca when he has chocolate stuck in his hair? Chocolate Chip Wookiee.
I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
Why was fog kicked off the football team? He mist a field goal.
The spoiled milk always got what it wanted.
How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.
Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
What did the rabbit say to its wife? No bunny compares to you.
Are you an omelette? Because you’re making me egg-cited!
Vampires love cookies too, they love No-stake cookies.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever ?
What does Harry Potter use when sealing packages?
His Parceltongue.
The scientists decided to clean up the Thames because it had a dirty mouth.
What do you call a dinosaur that's a loud sleeper? A Snore-a-sorus
“It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” — Dwight D. Eisenhower
I saw a kitten eating chicken in the kitchen.
What is a cat’s favorite vegetable? As-purr-agus.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
Why is the world so diverse? Because it contains alkynes of people.
How did the penguin pass his driving test?
He winged it.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
I tried to make my own condiments but, the recipes change so fast, it's hard to ketchup.
My Asian neighbor owns a T-shirt company where he colors white shirts. I think it's a Thai Dye T-shirt company.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
How do comedians like their eggs?
Funny side up.
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
They had us working like dogs at work after a storm
All I did was pick up sticks and bark.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
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