What is an elf’s favorite band?
The Pixies.
“Santa’s beard is so long because he’s bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?”
Hey babe, how about I plan a romantic weekend get away, and while I’m gone you can pack your shit and GTFO?
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!
The mothership has returned and I must leave.
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
What’s the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale!
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.
What is the national fruit of Afghanistan?
Talibanana.
I was fired from an insect repellent company for being dyslexic, so I smashed all their computers.
There’s no files on me.
Koi fish always travel in a groups of four
Because the predator will go after the D koi
What do jellyfish and a girl after prom night have in common?
They can't be deboned.
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
Babe, you are the only brand I desire and I want no substitution.
What do mosquitoes and relatives have in common?
They both share your blood.
You make me hap-pea, we're like two peas in a pod.
Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.
Why are watermelons, such good entrepreneurs?
“They always have seed money.”
Did you hear the joke about the pop fly? Oh, nevermind. It was over your head...
Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead.
Seed between the lines.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
Are you good at math? Can you help me solve for x? X = your number.
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
‘I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!’
One day, I looked to my spine and said
Thanks for all the support! Thanks to you we've grown to new heights.
There was a fire at the yodeling school. Everyone was asked to exit in an orderly orderly orderly manner.
Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
What's better than a talking dinosaur ? A spelling bee. What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try-Try-Try-ceratops.
How does a deer know what day of the week it is?
It looks at its calen-deer.
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
I've just arrived in Bulgaria. How is it? Sofia, so good.
Aren't you tired? Because you've been galloping through my mind all evening.
What's the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus? The strawberry is red!
What kind of writer did the ghost hire to write his biography? A ghostwriter, duh.
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
I'm attracted to you so strongly, scientists will have to develop a fifth fundamental force.
Hey baby, mind if I send my probe into your wormhole?
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more intercourse would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
A nose visited its home town.
It was overcome with nostril-gia.
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
Why are Ghosts so lonely? They have nobody to lean on.
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
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