The manager at the bread store told the baker that he had to stop loafing around. The baker said that it was his job.
We all know that rooms are just empty spaces, and no one can even dream of making a delicacy out of them. The only room is the mushroom.
Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.
A brain aneurysm would be swell.
I tried to take a girl out to hunt seals for a first date.
But she wasn't really Inuit.
The only time a basketball team can chase a baseball team is five after nine.
What does a dog love to eat while watching a movie?
Pupcorn.
I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes.
One day I saw a squirrel burying lotto tickets under a large bush, so I asked him what he was doing.
He told me he was hedging his bets.
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!
There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
How much far can you see with your naked eyes, on a clear day? 92,955,807 miles (to the sun).
Just like a blue supergiant star, you’re exceedingly hot and extremely bright.
Unbelievably there was yet another truck crash, this time it was carrying Vicks VapoRub. There was no congestion for the rest of the day.
What would a potato say to a peach? – “You have a nice pit!”
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
"Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X rays, but you know it's there." George Burns
How do you get down from a tree? You can’t because down comes from ducks.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.
Footballers love one specific type of tea; penal-tea.
If Satan ever lost his hair...
There would be hell toupee.
What do you call a cow that only produces almond milk? One that went nuts.
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
"Just don't carrot all."
Why did the jazz musician refuse to be quarantined?
Cause he was an outdoor cat.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
I want to play my match outdoors so I can hit the ball higher in the air. I’m not good at persuading people, so I’m going to hire a lob-byist.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
New electric trains will run on conductors.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
"Going on a hike is like having your car break down but on purpose."
- John Lyon
What is a koala bear’s favorite mixed drink? A pina koala.
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
What do you call doctors who make vaccines for the flu?
Flu-Fighters.
I get a real kick out of you.
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
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