What kind of cats like to go bowling?
Alley cats.
What separates humans from dolphins?
The surface of the water.
Why don’t monkeys wear pocket watches?
Because they don’t wear pants.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
What can you serve but never eat? A volleyball.
What do you call a crocodile that keeps breaking the law?
A crookadile.
What does a bankrupt frog say?
Baroke, baroke, baroke.
I went to the zoo the other day and saw an alligator that will only eat finely chopped food.
It was an alligrator.
Why was the sweet potato too shy to ask out the russet potato? Because he was a real spud.
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie or Friday with no two pizzas.” —Joey Tribbiani, Friends
A coworker said, "Oh my gosh there's a mouse on your desk!"
To which, I replied "I know! And it's not working!"
Have you heard about the movie that involved haunted dairy items? I believe it is called Paranormal Activia.
Hi, I see that you're new to this gym, and I wanna be the first male to bother you.
Is your name Summer? Because you are hot!
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark you still seem to shine.
Your hold on my heart is perennial, I’ll keep coming back always.
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
Don't be too harsh on the bread. All it kneads is love.
I'm currently dating a famous soccer player. He's so loving and caring towards me.
He's a keeper.
Roses are red, violets are blue. There’s nothing in the world more prettier than you.
How do you wash a horse?
On a sponge-line.
It’s the fawn of a new day! - said the deer happily after waking up.
How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!
(Unknown)
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Baby owl.
Baby owl who?
Baby owl see you later at my place.
Have you ever heard of mushroom cars? Well, they have an interesting sound which goes line shroom shroom!
Are you my voice? Because I don’t want to lose you.
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Déjà.
Déjà who?
Knock Knock!
I heard there are some fires near Greece
We’re gonna need a lot of baking soda.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
Why are flamingos the happiest birds? They live with no reggrets.
Are you a Frappuccino? Because I want to be that whipped cream on the top.
A flying turtle is called a shellicopter.
I squeezed the innards of a pumpkin into a glass, and the result was just beautiful
In fact, it was gourdjuice.
What is the angriest place on Earth?
Ire-land
Why was the skeleton scared of the baby?
Because he was an ankle biter.
I love lamps.
They're so enlightening.
What did the Tyrannosaurus rex get after mopping the floor? Dino-sore!
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
Why do the French eat snails? They dislike fast food.
I like dillos, but do not support giving them guns.
I would never armadillo.
Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?
There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
What is bigger than a Christmas tree?
A Christmas four
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