"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
What do you call a goat who paints pictures?
Vincent Van Goat.
What do you call a group of cows that are on top of a hill? High steaks.
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
"When I'm older looking back at all of my finest memories, and I'll think of the day my children were born, the day I got married, and the day that I met you."
Did you know that the Greek god Chronos was in the Mafia?
He was the Don of Time itself!
eople say they never get hungry at the beach
That’s because there’s sand, which is everywhere.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic.
Why was the potato fired from his job at the football stadium?
He was a horrible commentater.
Why did the firefighters bring a dog along with them?
To help them find the nearest fire hydrant.
What garment are you most likely to spot a house in?
Address
I'd be Lyon to myself if I said I thought we weren't meant to be.
What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
Starfish.
Why did they let the turkey join the band? Because he had the drumsticks
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
My boat is starting to sink, I'm going to sell it.
See my boat listing in the paper.
What is a dog’s favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
I don’t want naan of that. Neither do I!
Girl, your chromosomes have combined beautifully.
What kind of underwear do monkeys wear?
Chimpantsies.
hat’s the most sophisticated kind of bread?
The upper crust.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo? Hop on!
There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.
How do you catch King Kong? Hang upside down and make a noise like a banana.
How does an otter get into an honest business? Usually through the skylight.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
Did you overstay your visa? Because you got 'fine' written all over you
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship
You can toast my marshmallows anytime.
For that special cashier:
Since you're checking me out why don't we go to the movies?
I received an award at work for being the most secretive employee.
I can’t tell you how much this means to me.
Why was the picture of the dog sent to jail?
Because it was framed.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
Kids got me an Old-school Chemistry set for Father's Day...
... Totally in my Element.
You make miso happy.
I had to clean my filter twice after I saw how beautiful you are because I couldn’t believe my Arabicas.
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
What do you get when your cross a bear and a tiger?
A bear and a tiger seeking revenge.
I’d love to spend some time Matthew
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