What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out

What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”

There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.

It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!

Are you Medusa? When you looked at me the world seem to stop.

What do you call a sloppy Joe made with taco seasoned beef?
Sloppy José

In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.

How do you know your eating rabbit soup? When there's a hare in it.

If you understand, say "understand".
If you don't understand, say "don't understand".
But if you understand and say "don't understand".
how do I understand that you understand. Understand!?

“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner

Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
He wanted rich milk.

What’s a horse’s favorite sport?
Saddleball.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.

What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?
SlamDrunk!

You must be a geologist because you rock my world.

What did the bear say when he got a joke? He just bear-ly had a chuckle!

“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin

Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.

Are those space pants? Cause your ass is out of this world.

What type of elements know everybody on earth?
Met-all.

I like you a lily bit more every day.

"Sweet Treat Dream"

If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.

We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.

Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.

Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.

But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!

– Gillian M. Ward

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lion
Lion who?
Lion on your doorstep, open up!

A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died.

She is sadly mist.

I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.

Your pace or mine?

The furniture store saleswoman keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was one night stand.

What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"

What does an alcoholic flower say when they reach out for help?
Lilac the ability to stop.

What does a Clydesdale say when you offer them a carrot?
“Of course, my horse.”

When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant...
He exploded with anger.
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.

What is an astronauts favourite type of shirt?
Apollo

Q: What did the wind turbine say to the engineer after he fixed him?
A: I’m a big fan of your work!

“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”

More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!

I just had the most manly craft beer at my Israeli restaurant.
It was called He-Brew.

If you doubt whether bowling is a sport, get it from me, that yes, it is a sport, but for people who have talent to spare.

Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.

What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry? Urgent Tina

Why are Scandinavians the fastest runners in the world?
Because they start out near the Finnish line.

What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face?
A mouse-tache!

What's a frog's favorite flower?
A croakus.

I was talking to a barn owl last night, when I mentioned that I'd just got engaged.
He said, "You twit! To who?"

Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.

Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."

Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."

Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?

Longfellow is the known poet of basketball.

“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns

I am cocoa-nuts about you.

I’m not being obtuse, you are acute girl.

What type of dog can use a phone?
A dial-matian.