Where do you imprison a naughty skeleton?
A rib cage.

I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.

Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!

And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!

- Max Scratchamnn

Yo girl are you the 29th state added to America?
Because Iowanna be with anybody else

"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous

What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.

A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."

Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.

What's the wind's favourite colour?
Blew

Hey, how’ve you Ben?

Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.

Do you know what would happen when you throw a Finnish sailor into the ocean?
Helsinki.

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Also Did you utilize Canada's public healthcare system to help ease that pain?

How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the thin ice our relationship is on.

I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.

Why did the ghost decide to become a vegan?
Because it's super natural.

Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.


(Kevin Nishmas)

You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.

You make me want to upgrade my Tivo.

Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.

Excuse me… Do these shoes make me look fast?

If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,
buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.

Hey baby, are you a cloud server?
Because I have something to upload from my hard drive.

The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.

What’s the one book all piglets read in grade school? A Series of Un-porcine-ite Events.

Why did a baseball player decide to take a job at a used car lot during his off season?
He wanted to work on his sales pitch.

After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”

What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!

Scientists believe that one day we will find Sasquatch, just...
Not Yeti.

I hate it when I run out of bread for breakfast. I am lack-toast intolerant.

What kind of cookies do poor people want during Halloween? Fortune cookies.

Where do chess grandmasters keep their pet snakes?
In a chesst.

What does the skeleton chef say when he serves you a meal?
- Bone Appetit!

“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg

“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”

- Shailene Woodley.

Theatre costumes must be handled with care since they're often laced with something.

Flashier Great Tits Produce Stronger Sperm, Bird Study Shows.

I stopped eating pea soup. I gave it up for lentil.

The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.

Vampires love cookies too, they love No-stake cookies.

What did the carp say to his crush?
Don’t play koi with me!

The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.

Which weighs less; butane, gasoline or water?
Butane, because it's lighter fluid.

What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig? I wanna get a head!

What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean? Nothing, oceans don't talk they just wave!

How will a crow with a cold fever sound like? Caw-ph, Caw-ph.

This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.

What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? Chicken Caesar Salad

"My name is Khan, please sit and entertain me."

Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!

Why are beavers only found in freshwaters? Because they don't like stale water.