What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cow?
A kanga-moo.
What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
Who was the fastest runner of all time?
Adam. He was the first in the human race.
The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry."
How about dinner?
Without you, I feel like a fragment. Incomplete.
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
“Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life.”—Kate Davis
What do you call a sorcerer who only deals in urine magic?
A whizzard.
When can your cup of coffee tell the weather?
When it's muggy.
What happens when you play tug-of-war with a pug?
Pulled pork!
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
How does an otter get into an honest business? Usually through the skylight.
Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
Why is the ocean always blue?
Because the shore never waves back.
Why do ants work so hard?
They are all serv-ants.
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?
Curt 'n Rod.
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
It’s so hot they installed a fan in the debt ceiling.
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
I have an exciting new job as an explosives engineer blowing up mountains for tunnels and roads.
It's Groundbreaking work.
My favorite sport is bowling cause I always strike out with girls.
Wish upon a starfish.
The weatherman said it might get a bit drizzly outside.
You can expect a Lil’ Wayne.
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
When I proposed to my fiancee, she started crying. It must be because I proposed to her with an onion ring.
What kind of car does an otter drive? A Furrari.
What’s a horse’s favorite grocery store?
No-fillies.
When the storm begun, the garden party became a bit disorganized and food service was turned to a frost come frost served.
What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
Knock Knock
Who’s there Justin Justin who? Justin time to make the donuts!
Someone stole my wig!
That was a bald move.
Strawberries have berry good eyesight because they are packed with a lot of Vitamin See.
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
Why did the witch's team lose the cricket game?
Their bats flew away.
What did the glass say to the window?
"I'm in pane."
What Do You Call A Cat That Swallows A Duck?
A duck-filled-fatty-pus
It's not you...it's your taste in music.
Are you a fruit? Cause honeydew you know how fine you look right now?
What happened when the football coach’s dog ran onto the field during a game?
He got called for ineligible retriever down field!
"Sorry I stopped contacting you. I had to go back to rehab."
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