In case of an emergency, pull down the zipper on my pants.
What do you call a militia of pigeons?
A coo.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
Why did the tiger lose at poker?
Because he was playing with a cheetah.
Are you from tenessee? Cause your the only ten I see.
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
How would you describe a stinky chemist?
Mole-odorous
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright
The computer had to visit the dentist at the very earliest opportunity as it had a BlueTooth!
You must sprinkle extra sugar in your cereal in the morning...
Why, because I'm so sweet?
No, because you're really fat.
Why did the volleyball player have ropes and shoe strings? They wanted to tie the score.
Do you want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind it's too cheesy.
What do you call a group of cows that are on top of a hill? High steaks.
Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmmm. Well, you are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
What did the owl say to the judge?
I’m talon you, it wasn’t me.
Where do ski instructors keep their money?
In the local snow bank.
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
What do you call a rifle that shoots salt?
A salt rifle.
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
That dress would look great on my bedroom floor!
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
What does a ghost wear when it’s raining outside?
Boooooooooooots.
Did you hear about the comedian who entertained at a werewolves’ party?
He had them howling all night.
Is this the registration table? Because I need a number from you.
I was going to buy a new pillow....
but I decided I better sleep on it first
My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.
Woah! You look like I need a drink.
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
The last four letters of 'queue' are not silent
They're just waiting their turn.
Why do bees stay in the hive during the winter?
Swarm.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
I'm starting a music group that performs Classical Greek music.
I'm calling it Oedipal Arrangements.
What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.
What is a naughty beavers' favorite type of wood ever? Knotty pine.
I want to tell you one more painful phone pun but I decided it's uncalled for.
Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
My real costume is at home in a box under my bed.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He heard there were some hot chicks on the other side.
“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown
Since all the hot ones are already taken, this is going to be your lucky night!
Get in the swim this summer.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
What’s the best time to eat a peach while watching a NASCAR race? During the pit stop!
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