Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
You must be phylum because you seem to be above class.
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
You know, less teeth means more tongue.
My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
Are you a supermarket sample? Because I don’t want to be ashamed of tasting you over and again.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
You have the prettiest smile I have ever seen.
Are you made of grapes? Because you are fine as wine!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
You made my life a mess
Please call a clean-up crew
My wife hates the colour of her hair...
She's dyeing to change it.
Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
What vehicle does a grammar teacher drive?
A Syllabus.
What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render
What do you call someone who's obsessed with Christmas? Santa-mental.
What will you get if you cross a tiger and a watchdog? A terrified watchman.
It’s a good thing I have my library card because I am totally checking you out.
This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.
Every December, I really like making an emulsion of egg yolks, melted butter and lemon juice.
So its guaranteed to be a Happy Hollandaise
My dad's nickname is lightning.
That way I can tell my friends I've been struck by lightning multiple times.
How do you know when an avocado is ripe?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin the piggy bank again.
Are you my phone charger? Because without you, I’d die
What do you call a pastry that is a priest? A Holy Donut!
What do you call a hippie's wife?
A Mississippi.
What do you call a zombie in pajamas?
The sleepwalking dead.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.
Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
“If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” —Aldo Cammarota
What kind of books do owls read?
Hoo-dunnits.
The sweet potato asked the other potato : “How are my eyes? ”
What do you call the door to a chicken barn?
The hen-trance.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
A guy walks into a crow bar
It's a murder scene
What do you call Chewbacca with chocolate stuck in its fur?
chocolate chip wookiee.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
You warm my heart more than the salted caramel hot chocolate on a cold winter day.
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian.
What do you call a camel that looks the same from both directions?
A palindromedary!
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
What did the Turkey wear on Halloween?
He was a goblin.
A mother mountain says to her moody teenage mountain “don’t you give me that altitude!!”
I have a pogo stick made out of vegetables. It’s a spring onion.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to call animal control cause I just saw a fox!
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
How do you get a raise at the bread factory?
Butter up your boss.
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