Are you my lines? Because I could never forget you.
In North Korea, you can not throw fruits in the snow as they don't have the right to freeze peach
Why are gnomes friends with dolls?
They like to share clothes.
Are you a unicorn cause you are my fantasy.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me.
The weather's getting colder, I really fancy some hot croc-o-late.
Flight allows flamingos to stay safe from predators. This is natural selection in action, and explains why flaminstays are extinct.
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
Did you hear about the giant who threw up?
It's all over town!
Unlike the Leafs, I will never let you down.
Money can't buy me love but it can buy you a drink
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
Why don’t most restaurants serve giraffe?
Because it’s a tall order.
I’m invisible. [Really?] Can you see me? [Yes]. How about tomorrow night?
What do elves use in the kitchen when they are cooking?
Kitchen u-tinsels!
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
I now believe in Angels.
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
Do you like interjections? YES? NO! GOOD!
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
What do stylish frogs wear?
Jumpsuits.
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
If your piglet wants to be a wizard, there’s only one alternative: Hogwarts.
What did the beaver say to the river? You can run but can't tide.
Can I have directions?
To your heart.
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
What did France, Great Britain, and their allies say after The Great War?
World War Won.
Why do dogs hate computers?
They can’t stick their heads out of those Windows.
How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm? it has a blue light.
What did the dinosaur say to his lover?
You make my heart saur!
Are you one of Job's daughters?
Because you're twice as beautiful as any other girl I've ever seen.
My friend bought a different toothpaste this time...
It was a nice change of paste.
I give roughing a whole new definition.
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty-second pause, I asked, "You still there, sweetheart?"
"Yeah," she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now"
The garden where only white cars are driven can be called a garden of white carnation.
I rang up a yoga instructor and asked which class I should take. She said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t do Tuesdays.” – Unknown
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
A dull, dark dock, a life-long lock,
A short, sharp shock, a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a pestilential prison,
And awaiting the sensation
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
What happened when the koala house party got a little too far out of hand? One of the neighbors koalaed the cops.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
My four year old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
What kind of photos do turtles take?
Shell-fies.
How do bats tell their future?
They read their horrors-cope.
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
My wife and I have been having trouble communicating. We decided to take a walk when we passed a farm. She said "awww, babe look at the sheep."
"No, ewe." I said.
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