What kind of music would planets prefer to hear? NepTUNEs.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
What did one werewolf say when he saw his friend?
- Howl’s it going?
What do you call the guy who chooses a suitable fortified Spanish wine?
A Sherry Picker.
I had a job repairing 17th century violins...
I only fixed instruments that were BAROQUE.
What did the clean dog say to the dirty dog?
Long time no flea.
Why did the computer break up with the internet? There was no "Connection".
Do you know what Tinkerbell's tooshie is called?
A fairy tale.
You're like my tea: Hot and British!
Scissors sizzle, thistles sizzle.
The color turquoise was judged as the best new color because it was cyantifically proven to be.
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
Why did the koala get fired from his job?
Because he would only do the bear minimum.
Is your name Succinylcholine? Because you’re paralyzing.
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
Someone who does not become a witch until they're old is a late broomer.
What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?
Winnie the PU!
It peels nice to be voted in as the most appeeling model in the contest.
You mermaid to go far.
What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.
Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.
Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Is your iPad making you fall asleep?
I can help—there’s a nap for that.
I am looking for a leash-free relationship.
Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
Who do elephants get their Christmas presents from?
Elephanta Claus.
Every function without you will always be void of love.
What do you say happened to an onion who got what it deserved? You say it got karma-lized.
It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.
How do you find zebra?
Look under zeshirt.
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
Why did the bunny cross the road?
To go to the hare dresser.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.
“How was your day? ” “It was tater-ible”
There was an exotic pet race to take place.
Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"
The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:
"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."
There’s a room with two tables and ten people. One table has soup, and the other table has a punch bowl. All ten people are lined up at the soup table.
Now’s when you ask: where’s the punchline?
What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
Lesbionage.
Woah, that attractive field of yours is pulling me in! By any chance, are you a Van de Graaff generator?
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
An atom loses an electron...
It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
Did you hear about the spies trying to infiltrate japan, Italy, and Germany in WWII?
They were denied axis.
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