“I gotta warn ya, every man I’ve ever gone out with has been ruined.”
“Well, that’s what they get for messing with my girl.”
- Bugsy (1991)
Q. Why did the gorilla go to the barber?
A. He was concerned about his ape-pearance.
How many yaks could a yak pack, pack if a yak pack could pack yaks?
What does a posh salad shout before it's eaten?
KELP!
"The truth is that parents are not really interested in justice. They just want quiet." – Bill Cosby
I got fired for eating chips at work.
Well I really hated my job at the casino anyways.
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
Icy what you did there!
What is a dog’s ideal job?
A barkeologist.
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
What's green and hangs from trees? Dinosaur snot.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
Which is a meat patty's least favourite day of the week? Fry-day!
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane chocolate
The tree got so tired of fighting with autumn, that he said, "Enough is enough! I'm leaf-ing".
How do pigs get to the hospital?
In ham-bulances.
A camel can work all week without drinking..
A man can drink all week without working.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
Can you teach me how to use this machine?
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
What sort of lights were on Noah’s Ark?
Flood lights.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber?
Can I get your phone number?
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
Why do dogs hate computers?
They can’t stick their heads out of those Windows.
Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight.
Is your iPad making you fall asleep?
I can help—there’s a nap for that.
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
Are you sure we haven’t had a class together before? I could have sworn that we had chemistry together.
Here is my libary card, because im checking you out.
Why does the skeleton wear skinny jeans?
Because it’s got a marrow waistline.
When does a bat go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
Some people like to play croc-quet.
Why did the Catholic priest get sent to jail?
Tax evasion.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?
Mice cream and cake!
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
I hate getting tide down in one place. So let's take an ad-van-ture.
Why are dinosaurs no longer around? Because their eggs stink.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
What do you call a pair of cornstalks that are best friends?
Ear buds!
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
Hi, my name's Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?
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