Why shouln’t you rub avocado in your eyes?
You might get guacoma.
Which day do fish hate the most?
Fry-day.
After the guy broke his arm skiing, he realized it was all downhill from there.
What do chess players from the Czech Republic call their friends?
Czech-mates.
Girl, you are the spark that lights my fire.
---
Come on, I’ll give you a tour of my tent...
“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973
The soup that my mom made for dinner healed my flu in a day. It was almost soup-er natural.
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
Hey girl…
Can I call-cu-later?
If art became imprisoned we'd have to Freda art.
The librarian's office was on the A level. I asked for a book about submarines.
She told me to look below C level.
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
Why do trees always get hired? They have the right qual-leaf-ications.
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
What did the deer order to drink at the bar?
Ice cold deer.
You're a beluga in this sea of cod.
Are you my new favorite song? Because I'd like to hear you on repeat.
Aren't you tired? Because you've been galloping through my mind all evening.
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
Even though Jake was a heartthrob Casanova, he just had to break up with his long-time watermelon vending girlfriend; said she was always melondramatic about everything.
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
What’s a rabbit’s favorite game? Hopscotch!
Went to a railway fancy dress party. Everyone was wearing platforms.
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.
What's more amazing than a talking turkey? A spelling bee!
Are you teh Easter Bunny? Because you’ve spent the entire day hopping around in my head.
Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.
It's an abomi-nation.
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde
Fancy a climb? Mount me in.
One ear of corn says to the other, “I think I have a stalker.”
The other corn replies, “Thats amaizing! Is he cute?” The ear replies, “No, too husky!”
“I am patient with stupidity but not with those who are proud of it.”
- Edith Sitwell
Your eyes glow just like the twin suns on my home planet.
What is the best breakfast cereal to eat in the winter?
Frosted Flakes!
“A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad.”
— Arnold H. Glasgow
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.”
- Sue Murphy.
What's green and dangerous?
A frog with a hand-grenade.
What do you call the Halloween costume contest winner? Mummy of the year.
Hit the hammer that judges have and says “worm court is in session”. Then says
“All writhe”
As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."
"Reti or not, here I come!"
Why are there fish at the bottom of the sea?
Because they dropped out of school.
I like looking at a chart of all the chemical elements... periodically.
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
The roses have wilted,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
And so is your head.
What did the trumpet pharaoh do when his girlfriend told him to pull out?
Toot and come in.
Go to BabaMail
