Hold me tight dear and I promise to send all my loving to you.
Have you ever seen a girl done makeup while camping?
It's pretty in tents.
I need to apologize to my fellow Californians for all the recent forest fires.
Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
How do pigs greet their family and friends?
With hogs and kisses.
"What are your thoughts on diving?"
"Well, I guess it's descent as a hobby."
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."
Do you know what is so special about the alphabet soup of Twitter? It only allows 140 letters.
"Is that cannon fire, or is it my heart pounding?"
- Ingrid Bergman, Casablanca (1942)
What do you get when you cross a frog with a rabbit?
A bunny ribbit.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
My father gave me a peach. I told him that I wanted a pear. So he gave me another peach.
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
Q. What did the computer say to the cookie?
A. "Can I have your chocolate chip?"
To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
What's the fastest thing on the river bed?
A motor-pike and side-carp.
Milk does the body good, but damn how much did you drink?
They say everything gets better with age.
Roses are red,
Violets are too,
I’m colorblind,
What about you?
“An instructor once gave the following cue in yoga class: “Relax your pancreas.” I don’t even know where my pancreas is, never mind how to relax it! I giggled for the rest of the class.” – Mel Farrimond
Don't use the word "EGG" for your password...
It's very easily cracked.
Why is it impossible to have a balanced conversation with a female mushroom? - Because shiitake too much!
What is a Ghost’s favourite treat? Ice-scream floats.
Where is a flamingo’s favourite place to dance? The hop, of course!
If your mom slaps you with high frequency -
It Hertz
“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”
Bill Watterson
In later years was the Great One in decline? Yes he was on the Wayne.
How do you sink a submarine full of fools?
You knock on the door.
What did you call the cat next door 10,000 years ago?
A neighbor-toothed tiger.
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
What do teachers drink at school? Facul-Tea.
Nice dress. Can I talk you out of it?
Sea you at the beach.
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
How does a group of sea turtles make a decision?
They flipper a coin.
I asked a panda if he was my friend.
He said, “Just bearly”.
The most suitable way to bake a pie in autumn is to bake it to pie-fection!
Some guy wanted to charge me a bunch of money for a second hand bouncy house.
But I wasn't sure if that was something I really wanted to jump into.
What do you call a Tyrannosaurus under stress?
A nervous rex.
Many people think that when warm droplets of water in the air are rapidly cooled it forms fog.
But it’s actually a common mist-conception.
Did you hear what happened to the cheese after its breakup?
It got provolonely.
What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!
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