What do you say when you go to a dinner with a bunch of osteopathologists?
Bone appetit!

Halloween was nearly over, and the zombie was hurrying to get back to her tomb before the sun came up.
She was rushing so much, she didn't even notice the headstone was the wrong shape before she got in. It was a grave mistake.

"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright

Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!

I bought a 400 year-old chair from Italy,
but as soon as I sat on it, it baroque.

Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.

Where do most horses work for their first job?
Re-tail stores.

What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"

"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."

My friend was going to a painting competition, so I wished him, "Grey the force be with you".

My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.

What do chic evergreens wear for cruelty-free fashion? Faux fir.

How do you offer a camel tea?
"One hump or two?"

Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"

"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois

"Did You Notice"

Did you notice I remembered to put the seat down?
And that I washed all the dishes last night?
Were you aware of how attentive I was,
When you came home in such a fright?
You may have noticed; I’m doing so well,
Listening to all the things you request.
I’m adapting myself and becoming a better man,
I even massage you when you are stressed.
Remember the day I took the trash out,
And wiped down the counter so well?
If you’ll recall I made breakfast in bed,
I’m trying so hard, can’t you tell?
And just in case you hadn’t noticed,
This poem is especially for you.
And if you don’t like it, my darling angel,
Well, sorry, there’s just nothing I can do.

What do you call an 'O' on fire?
Flamingo.

Whats the first day of the week called in outer space?

Moonday.

What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?
A seahorse.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ivor.
Ivor who?
Ivor you let me in or I`ll climb through the window.

There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.

Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.
They're mouthbreathers.

Which condiment is a mouse’s favourite?
Mouse-tard.

“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing

"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl

Tis the sea-sun.

"We are like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself to fix it."

So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."

“I do Yoga to relieve stress… Just kidding I drink wine in yoga pants.” — Anonymous

Why did the tree go to the dentist? To get a root canal.

What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.

Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.

Why are bread puns the greatest? They never grow mold.

Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?
He was scared there was a munster under the bed.

Looks like I’ve Joshu-won the best match of the day

Green vegetables absolutely love going on camps as a group. Their favorite is the Brussels Scouts.

How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.

What did the deer say after she saw her Amazon bill?
“I spent too much doe!”

What's worse than lobsters on your piano?
Crabs on your organ!

Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”

I was kidnapped by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.

What is a dog’s favorite movie series?
Fifty shades of Greyhound.

Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?

Every single person on my flight was reading at the same time.
The plane was fully booked.

Why didn’t the skull go to the dentist?
It was too-th late.

If I was a robot and you were one 2 if I lost a nut would you give me a screw.

What do llamas say when you tell them something obvious?
“No spit, Sherlock.”

Time to spruce things up.

"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin

Where do crabs invest their money?
A sea bank.