Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.

What do cell phones order at dinner?
Apps.

Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.

While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"

A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"

Q: What is the opposite of a cold front?
A: A warm back

Mix a box of mixed biscuits with a boxed biscuit mixer.

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last, I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

Why did the vampire refuse to eat his eggs?
Because they were sunny side up!

Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Yes, it is February 14th

Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.

What do you call a frog hanging from the ceiling at Christmas?
Mistletoad.

Where do pigs learn about magic?
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Why was the horse sad she didn’t get the job?
She was flanking on it.

You’ve really Penelopeaked my interest

Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.

Why had the beaver left the pond? He thought it was too shallow.

What do you call a baby lion on lettuce?
Cub Salad.

"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey

What has a neck but no head?
A bass.

"I Know You Like Me Best"

Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!

“That’s not how Aquarians operate. They don’t do things steadily, they are running about one day then comatose the next.”
— Mary English

You must be Egyptian, because I'm a enslaved by your eyes.

Who do vampires buy their cookies from? The Ghoul Scouts

How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?
Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.

There once was a boy named Dan,
who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
and eventually died,
that weird little boy named Dan.

What do you call a horse that is good at football?
Neighhhhh-mar.

As I only have two factors, I’m the prime candidate for you.

I saw a movie about a pig with no eyes.
It was PG.

What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."

A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.

Why did the volleyball player not want to travel? Because he had been there and dug that.

It's not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me.

You must be a magician, because every time I look at you, everyone else disappears.

A vampire broke up with his girlfriend when she had a blood test. He told her she wasn't his type.

Who goes to the bathroom in the middle of a party? A party pooper.

Why don't they make boats out of peppers?
Because they're always capsaicin!

Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.

My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.

I didn't know snow angels could fly as pretty as you skiing.

If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.

"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

Q: How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?

By the footprints in the butter!

Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.

A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?

What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.

The investigative journalist said that he would reveal all the in-cider information this fall.

What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms