Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
We make a great pear
What do you say if someone steps on a banana peel? Well I guess he didn't find that appealing!
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
What do you get when you cross a lion with a parrot?
I don't know, but when it talks, you better listen.
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
Why do worms hate graveyards?
They keep bumping into skeletons!
"Sip, sip hooray."
I like you a lily bit more every day.
What do you call a winged insect that hits home runs?
A fly swatter.
Why do seals swim in salt water ?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
I can heartly wait to see you again.
Did Rudolph go to school?
No, he was elf taught!
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
What happens when you look up geology jokes? You know you've hit rock bottom!
What do you call an indoor plant?
An intro-vert
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
This coffee is steaming up my glasses or is that just you?
Q: Which U.S. state do tigers like the most?
A: Maine.
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
What do you call doctors who make vaccines for the flu?
Flu-Fighters.
Have you seen any linking verbs around here? Because you are my complement and I want to connect.
How did the coconut hit on the pineapple? It said ” you are the pina to my colada.”
We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.
Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.
I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.
(Anonymous)
Someone vandalized my keyboard leaving only 1 button.
Surprisingly, the police were more thorough in the investigation than I expected. They even asked to see my colon.
Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.
Q: Why can’t oranges be pirates?
A: They don’t get scurvy.
Why did the computer leave the restroom crying?
It said, "it hurts when IP."
What do yuppie sharks like to drink?
Jaw-va.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
Are you British?
Cuz you just colonised my heart.
I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.
He said “I know you are, but what am I?”
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby!
Why did the Chinese communist party try to cover up the outbreak of the corona virus disease?
They were afraid not everyone could get it.
I wasn’t sure if I should make the first move… but I was raised to never Jack down from an opportunity
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.
When girls say they want a guy who can sweep them off their feet...
they do know that there’s a janitor ready for the job, right?
What do you drink if you want to freshen your breath? Mint-Tea.
My dog wants to be a tradesman.
I think he wants to be a woof-er.
Roses are red, violets are blue, Antarctica is hot compared to you.
Guy: Have you ever been fishing before? Girl: Why? Boy: I think we should hook up!
What dinosaur knows a lot of synonyms? A thesaurus.
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
What do you call a pig that drives around recklessly?
A road hog.
Bark bark bark
Let me get up to see
It appears my dog is summoning me
Bark Bark Bark
That old familiar sound
As I peer out the window
With my loud mouthed hound
Bark Bark Bark
Looking in the distance I finally see
Why she’s been barking at me
Bark Bark Bark
There’s a leaf in the yard
And it’s blowing away
This is how we’ll spend
Most of our day
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