When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
Hey girl, I won't be able to see you for the next few weeks.
I'm giving up sweet things for Lent.
"Don't ever think I fell for you, or fell over you. I didn't fall in love, I rose in it."
― Toni Morrison, Jazz
Why does Bruce Wayne have such fabulous hair?
He uses conditioner Gordon.
I saw a kitten eating chicken in the kitchen.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?
He was declared to be in Seine.
What sound do 8 sheep make?
Octo-bah.
How does the Grammar Nazi party fund its government?
Through a syntax.
Are you Messi? 'Cause you look ike you'd never miss
Did you hear about the crook who was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?
He was just arrested for Petty theft.
What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer!
What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink?
Foster's.
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite game?
A: Twister
Why did the skeleton have a broken heart?
His Boney lay over the ocean.
I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
What is a Leatherback Sea Turtles favorite sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish.
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
"Now We Are Six"
When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.
– A.A. Milne
I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.
There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
What did the therapist say to the angry client when their cell phone battery died?
I suggest you find an outlet!
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
What’s the best time for Frankenstein to go to a party?
Fright now.
How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty contest? She was the beast of the show!
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.
I said to him, "is that a Fret"?
“Spring, salad, shallot, picked”, said a friend. He knows his onions.
There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.
What did one tidepool say to the other tidepool?
Show me your mussels!
My friend thought ketchup didn’t exist
So I told him to check his sauces.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
I wasn't making enough money as a keyboard percussionist so I started moonlighting as gun salesperson.
I go from glockenspiel to Glock and spiel.
Aww, what's your pup's name? He has such a sweet face.
Defeat in soccer is only bitter if you swallow it.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.
Our lobster neighbors never give us gifts during the holidays!
They’re so shellfish.
I for one
is something you might do if you had a broken keyboard
I saw the chicken quickly crossing the basketball court? Then I remembered that the referee was blowing fowls.
How are a volleyball player and a carpenter similar? They both love to hammer spikes.
Thank you for making our relationship sweet rather than a rocky road.
What do you call dogs who pay in the snow?
Slush puppies.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
Why couldn't the housefly board the plane?
It was on the no fly list
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
Why was the peach so sad at the funeral? It left a deep pit in its heart.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
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