If I had a nickel for every time my wife says that I spend money on frivolous things, I would have enough money to buy miniature golf clubs for my shower caddy.
when I’m with you.
Why was the Pirate sad when his parrot left him?.
It gave him the cold shoulder.
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
Biology - It grows on you.
Is it me or is there an interaction between us?
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish?
Swimming trunks!
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
Even during thunderstorms, Santa can still deliver presents because raindeers fly his sleigh.
When I was young there were only 25 letters in the Alphabet. Nobody new why.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
You must be Egyptian, because I'm a enslaved by your eyes.
My least favourite hue is purple. It's worse than red and blue combined.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I'd only have a dollar because you never leave my mind.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
Why do I want raisins when you are my only grape? Let's have some wine.
Why was the basketball court so slippery?
Because all the players were dribbling on it.
Call me the pace clock, cause you sure can count on me.
I felt sad for my brother's computer being overclocked because I heard the processor say, "Stop it! It hertz so much!".
A fortune-teller told me you’ll give me your number tonight. Was she right?
How do officials start the races at the pink bird olympics? They say three... two... one... flaminGO!
Q: What do you call a French guy being mauled by a tiger?
A: Claude.
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
"I’m so cool I wasn’t actually born, I was defrosted."
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator!
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
What are pigs celebrating when they celebrate their birthday? The day they were boar-n.
I left my laptop outside on the picnic table, and when I came back, the keyboard was covered in ants...
...It took a while to herd them together but I finally got them all under control.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
Six out of seven dwarfs aren’t Happy.
What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
There are so many puppies and kitties around the neighbourhood. Perhaps it is because it has been raining cats and dogs for hours.
If you had the same amount of money as your phone number, how much would that be?
Are you from Canada? Because if you're wondering if you can go out on a date with me, well, you CAN–UH-DUH!
If a purple-colored fruit gets stuck in your drain, then you should call a plum-ber to fix it.
Why did the skeleton go to the dance?
To see the boogie man.
I pitcher us together forever.
What do you call a condiment with a hit single? a must"heard"
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap? It was always on shale.
How can colors be used to predict the weather?
By their huemidity.
What did the horse reply when asked if it can jump 3 feet?
“I lope so!”
My Wifi password is "writtenontherouter"
And I let all my guests walk to the router and let them unsuccessfully try to use the initial password until I tell them it's literally "writtenontherouter".
Where do boats go when they get sick? The dock
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
Did you hear about the forgetful unicorn mom? She kept feeding her kids milk of amnesia.
Do you need prayer?
Because I'm willing to lay hands on you.
Go to BabaMail
