My friend built an aromatherapy vaporiser with a built-in brain scanner
Seems a bit out there, but makes scents when you think about it.
The graphic designer's present company gave her a substantial raise while a rival company also gave a similar offer. I am now caught in hue minds!
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.
Wanna churn butter with me?
Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
He wasn’t what he was cracked up to be.
A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”
The shark and the computer are so alike. They both have and use their megabytes.
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”
Corona virus has caused our local supermarket to sell out of pasta.
All because of a fusilli people.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
Life without you is like a broken pencil... pointless.
I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
The last ten times I’ve been to a fancy dress party, I’ve gone as a shark.
The joke’s wearing fin.
You should dress up as a baker for Halloween with that set of buns.
Where there’s a Willow there’s a way… and I hope this was a good way to break the ice
Why are ghouls so healthy?
They always eat fresh food!
Milk trucks always drive so fast, don’t they? You blink and they’re already pasteurize.
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
Where do horses go on vacation?
Flankfurt.
I like big books and I cannot lie.
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
In Ireland, when the cows are in the road it’s udder chaos.
It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.
What is the national fruit of Afghanistan?
Talibanana.
Please stop with all the corona jokes.
I‘m sick of it.
What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
A rockstar!
What did the Psychologist tell the geologist? "Every decline is a great Break Through"
How do you make dog bread? You use collie flour.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
What did the arsonist do on Valentine's day?
He met his match.
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
These puns are turtle-y hilarious.
Q. What does the alpha gorilla call his first wife?
A. His prime mate.
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
Why do birds fly south for the winter? Its easier than walking!
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw?
Because they don’t know how to cook it.
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug - although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty year old thug thought of that morning.
I love my bed, but I'd rather be in yours.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
I found a sour strawberry today. It was berry bad.
“I’ve drank multiple cups of coffee, and Monday isn’t looking any better. Hey – give me a beer. Let’s see if that helps.”
My wife got stung by a jellyfish and said, “Quick, pee on it!” So I peed on it and said…
“That’s for stinging my wife!”
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