What did the glass of wine say to the beer?
Nothing... They barley knew each other.
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
If I were a stop light, I would always turn red each time you pass by. In that way, I could stare at you longer.
What's the difference between and Buffalo and a Bison?
You can't wash your face in a Buffalo.
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
Organic chemistry is really hard.
Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
What do you give three-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you better hope he likes it.
Wanna go out sometime? I’d consider it an Er-win if you said yes.
Why do flamingos fly south in winter? Because it would be too far to walk.
What do you call a koala with no teeth? A gummy bear.
The fruit bat ate the orange because of its appeal. It had such a nice color.
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
A kid at the spelling bee was asked to spell "inward"
A teacher tackled him after the first G
What do you call a ghost of a man with a broken leg? A hobblin’ goblin.
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
Drowning doesn't seem too bad if you would give me mouth-to-mouth.
There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!
What dog keeps the best time? A watch dog.
My sister said I would never be able to make a beach pun.
Is seashore about that?
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
When the theatre owner dies, his visitation hours are as follows: 1pm, 3pm, 6:30 pm, 9pm, and midnight.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite movie?
A. Planet of the Apes.
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
What happens when a closet goes into fighting?
It turns into a wardrobe.
Honey, you’re a slam dunk!
Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
Vampires can always Count on Dracula.
My friend over there really wants your number so he knows where to get a hold of me in the morning.
Two astronauts who were dating, met up for a launch date.
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Nana.
Nana who?
Nana your business.
Irish you luck.
Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus
They say its bark is worse than its bite.
“Spring, salad, shallot, picked”, said a friend. He knows his onions.
"You deserve better and so do I."
You: Can I borrow a quarter?
She: why? (if she says sure or something else get her to ask you why).
You: so I can call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.
What did the drug diller say to the duck?
Are you on quack?
What is the cherry fruit's favorite American talkshow? The Cherry Springer Show of course!
What do you call a Yeti Gardener?
A hairy potter.
What do you call the greatest cheese to every live on the earth? Legen-dairy!
Without you, I’d disintegrate.
Are you p>0.5, because I’d never reject you.
Looking after more than one elephant at a time requires the ability to multi-tusk.
Why aren’t trees competitive sports fans? They like to root for everyone.
What does Darth Vader say when he plays volleyball? May the spike be with you.
I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.
Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.
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