Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.
There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
I don't like strong perfumes...
I guess I'm inscentsitive.
Where do cows write down their most intimate thoughts? Inside of their dairy.
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
Permission to board?
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.
Why did the ghost decide to become a vegan?
Because it's super natural.
Wanna hear a joke about a staccato?
Never mind, it’s too short.
There was a terrible fire at the shoe factory today...
Over a million soles were lost.
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
During the contribution’s session, the mushroom family never gave a lot. They were just two spore.
Let's cross the international dateline together.
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
It replied, “No, thanks, I am traveling light.”
"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
— Lewis Black
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
What sound does a Greek cow make?
"μ"
What is the worst advice a coach could ever give to a nude volleyball team? Play hard.
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
Which noble man loves sitting at a round table?
Sir Cumference
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
How much dew does a dewdrop drop
If dewdrops do drop dew?
They do drop, they do
As do dewdrops drop
If dewdrops do drop dew.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
Which athlete wrote the book, Jumping for Exercize?
Lee Ping.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
What’s in the middle of a jellyfish?
A jelly button.
“I couldn’t help but notice that you look a lot like my next girlfriend.”
- Will Smith, Hitch (2005)
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
Are you Vietnamese? Cause I'm falling pho you.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
How do you know you’re in love with a flower?
Not a daisy goes by where you don’t think of them.
Drowning doesn't seem too bad if you would give me mouth-to-mouth.
You must be a C major scale... All natural.
What is large and rocky at the bottom, small and snowy at the top and has ears?
Give up? A mountain.
Yeah but what about the ears?
You never heard of mountaineers?
What do bees call wasps?
Wanna-bees.
“The turkey is dilated to 3.5 inches, stuffing is crowning, time to eat everybody!”
That’s what happens at Thanksgiving when your mom is an obstetrician.
What happens after you eat an entire gallon of "All Natural" ice cream? You get Breyer's remorse!
What is a skeleton’s favorite type of film to watch?
A spine-tingler.
There is a rule that cats can shed hair on anything in the house… It is called fur-niture for a reason!
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
What advice do ghosts give their children? Only spook when spoken to.
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
Where did the deer go to fix its tail?
The re-tail shop.
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