I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty-second pause, I asked, "You still there, sweetheart?"
"Yeah," she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now"
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
What did the witch say when the door-to-door broom salesman showed her a vacuum.
I don't want an automatic. I want a stick shift!
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
What do you call a flying monkey?
A hot air baboon.
What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
How did the frog feel when he hurt his leg?
Unhoppy
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
Thinking about selling my crab so i could make money. Then I realised "am I really this shellfish"?
What's a goat's favorite organ?
A Kid-ney
Excuse me, do you have a pen?
Then you'd better get back to it before the farmer notices you're gone.
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
Why can't you take a turkey to church? They use FOWL language.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs!
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
Hey Cinderella, must be time I took you home. It’s nearly midnight!
What do you call a bear without any teeth?
A gummy bear.
I normally fish for trout but I'll make and exception for you.
A strawberry who is a thief is called a rob-berry
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.
What
What do you call rabbits that live at the North Pole? Cold.
When finally the encyclopedia on mushrooms was out, it was given the title ‘A Fungi-de to the Mushrooms’.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
A Bee?
A bee who?
A beaver is building a dam on the river.
Let’s show Potassium and water that the two of us can make a more energetic reaction together than them!
Chopping down other people’s cherry trees is definitely frowned upon. However, you likely won’t get into too much trouble for it – as long as you keep hold of the axe!
Did you hear about the watchmaker who is half Spanish and half Irish?
His name is Juan O'Clock.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
Where do sheep go to get haircuts? To the Baa Baa shop!
I was picking through the turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but I couldn't find one big enough for my family. I turned to the employee and asked, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
“No, sir," he replied. "They're dead."
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
I had a nightmare about being attacked by a shark.
When I woke up I realized it was just a bream.
What do you say if you meet a toad?
Wart's new?
What happens if the Grim Reaper spikes the ball? You have to dig your own grave.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
"Tom Tigercat"
Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.
Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.
– J. Patrick Lewis
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
I'm not passive aggressive. Unlike *some* people.
What do you get if you stand between two llamas?
Llamanated.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
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