What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.

"Have an eggs-tra special Easter day."

Did you hear about the Heisman Trophy candidate who falsified his rushing stats?
The yards were stacked in his favor!

Why did Frankenstein tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!

I like you a lily bit more every day.

When does the moon gets his/her stomach full? During full moon.

You use computers.
IPods, mobiles, cameras.
Why not write letters?

What do you call a pig with a rash? Ham and eczema.

What did the mom say to her kitten when she caught him slouching? Paw attention to your paw-sture!

How do little avocados get what they want?
They spread it on thick.

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last, I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

The flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage was a true definition of murder most foul.

It’s easy to spot a sad flamingo. They get really blue.

During the summer break, I enrolled myself in a peach coding course.

What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time?
You know that you have really hit rock bottom.

A barber, a hairdresser, and Bigfoot walk into a bar...
You know what...I'm gonna shave this joke for another time.

"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt

What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).

My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.

"Most people never run far enough on their first wind to find out they've got a second."
William James

The lake did not like the river because it felt that the river was not very lake-able.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”

I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.

Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired?
Because he couldn't keep his calves together!

Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.

Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.

There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.

Why do sailors eat shellfish when rain is forecast?

It’s the clam before the storm.

“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets

Is that a candy cane in your pocket, or are you just struggling to contain your excite-mint?

Are you a Pepsi? Because you're so-da-licious!

How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."

Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum? He got stuck in Orbit.

How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.

How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?
He achieved escape velocity.

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Are you a model?

The storm was sad so we called it the sigh-clone.

The baker taught his apprentice that to make a good pie one needs to bake it to pie-fection!

[Pool Noodle] That’s using your noodle!

If you are wondering about the most important constitutional right of a peach citizen, well, it's none other than freedom of peach.

Nice beach balls, can I play?

What did the pear say to the other pear when they just got together?
It’s good to be a pair.

What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?
The lineman.

“Every mile is two in winter.”

I don't think there's anything hotter than chocolate but hey! There you are in front of me.

Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.

Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.

My wife got mad at me for playing catch with my son in the backyard
... I didn’t see the big deal until I dropped him.