“During summer vacation, you get to do all your favorite things; cook hot dogs over a campfire (while being eaten alive by mosquitoes).”
– Bruce Lansky
What do you call a baby potato? Small fry.
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
What did one witch's cat say to the other?
You look familiar.
That raven is so stubborn at times, he just needs to crow up.
What happens when you turn on a computer?
You turn it's floppy disk into a hard disk.
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
Have you watched werewolves taking lunch, you will be amused, they literally wolf it down!
What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? Vibrato.
My kid asked why I named our WiFi "ship"?
But that's how everything syncs.
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
How do you make soup rich? Add 24 carrots.
“Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”
George Carlin
Do you know which the most favourite type of fruit of trees is? The pine – apple.
What do you call the door to a chicken barn?
The hen-trance.
Giving me your number sounds like a fair trade.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
The Beavers have the ugliest house in the neighborhood.
It’s a dam shame.
"The only b.s I need is bikini and sandals"
The closer we came to the alley, the louder the bowling thunder.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
Hershey factories make millions of kisses a day, but I’m asking for only one.
National Herbs and Spices Day is celebrated annually on June 10.
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette. They call it “Nico-tang”
My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I'd only have a dollar because you never leave my mind.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
Where were the first orange trees planted?
“In Orange County.”
"For peep's sake."
“Women prefer men who have something tender about them – especially the legal kind." ~Kay Ingram
“Anyone who has time for drama is not gardening enough”
— Anonymous
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
The storm was sad so we called it the sigh-clone.
How do a group of skeletons drive to work?
In the carpal lane.
What did Snow White call her chicken?
Egg White.
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
What song do young peaches love listening to? 'Papa don't peach'.
Why is the taste of moon rock better than that of Earth rock? Because it’s a little meteor.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
What does a kangaroo do when it gets Covid? Goes to the hop-spittle.
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