I was straining some old noodles but eventually, I chickened out. It was such a broth-er.
“When I say I won’t tell anyone, my best friend doesn’t count.”
— Unknown
I said to my doctor, "I usually sit on the computer 12 hours a day...is that bad?"
He replied, "That can't be too comfortable. Try a chair!"
What do bees chew?
Bubmble gum.
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
Why was Mozart a child prodigy?
All his early pieces were in A sharp minor.
Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
In Italy there is a group pf moms creating soft cheese...
They brand themselves as MOMzarella.
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
What is a dog’s favorite pizza topping?
Pup-peroni.
Why is it a bad idea to swallow toothpaste?
Because you’ll destroy your stomach cavity!
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
What is the definition of art theft? A: The haul of frames.
Have you heard about Amazon’s plan to make intercontinental shipments using electric submarine drones?
They’re projecting a large increase in e-fish-in-sea.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
What do you call a knight made entirely out of china?
Sir Ramic.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
What are police cars made of?
Copper
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
There was so much crackling on the line, I thought a pig was disturbing the phone.
In one Fall swoop, it's autumn again!
All vampires seem to have the same thing for their last meal. A stake.
What are ants made of?
Antimatter.
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.
What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.
What do you get if you put an alligator in a blender?
Gatorade.
What is the most popular console with the vikings?
The axe-box
My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.
I don't need 3D glasses to see how beautiful you are!
What all kinds of stars wear the sunglasses? The movie stars.
Grammar Nazis for math should be called Fibbonazis.
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
Ireland is pitcher perfect.
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."
If we cross lobster bisque and Elon Musk, what we have is a soup-er car
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
Grandmother is making the dressing, and is adding several cans of Chicken Broth.
Dad: "You know where you can get that broth in bulk?"
Grandmother: "Where?"
Dad: "The stock market."
He was promptly kicked out of the kitchen.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
What key has legs and can't open doors? A Turkey.
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
― Truman Capote
When milking a nervous goat, you should use kid gloves.
What do you call a horse that is good at football?
Neighhhhh-mar.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.
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