"Do you play the trom-bone?"
A person with a very blocked nose walks into a doctors office.
The doctor says: "So, you're having mucus problems?"
The person replies: "perhaps, perhaps snot.
Why had the beaver left the pond? He thought it was too shallow.
You're my missing ingredient.
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
“I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying. – Rita Rudner
If your piglet wants to be a wizard, there’s only one alternative: Hogwarts.
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
Are you Spotify? Cause I can listen to you all day.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.
Where do bats get their education?
In night schools.
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? A Candy Baa. Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty? They had a baby, Ruth.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
Dad: Did you hear about the cow that was arrested?
Kids: No.
Dad: He was uddermining the authorities.
A man went to the gym today and met up with his new personal rainer.
Love me do
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
What do you call a book that's about the brain? A mind reader.
What do jellyfish and a girl after prom night have in common?
They can't be deboned.
I have so many Easter puns, it’s not even bunny.
Call me Joshua, because I'm going to break down your walls.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
I tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
So I had to faucet.
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.
Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.
Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.
When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What does a piece of cheese tell you during a game of tag?
Cheez it.
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
Why did the ski instructor ask for a divorce?
He found out his wife is a real flake.
Vampires love corny jokes and puns. I don't think they're funny, but it's probably to do with them being pun-dead.
What do you call a group of crows flying over a couple?
A murder over love.
Why wasn't the taxidermist invited to Thanksgiving dinner?
No one wanted to try his stuffing
Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving?
He won't inhale.
Federer is such a legend that they named the Roger’s Cup, and Fed Cup after him.
I love you meow and forever.
What do you get when you cross a ghost with a chicken?
A poultry-geist.
If I live to a hundred and two, I won't let nobody sting me but you
Would you mind loaning me a quarter? I want to call my mother and tell her I just met the woman of my dreams.
When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O’Furniture.
I know you're busy today, but can you add me to your to-do list?
What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.
It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.
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