I used to search for clams on the beach
But then I pulled a mussel.
Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
Are you a banana? Because you're great at the splits.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
My spiritual gift is my good looks. It lifts peoples spirits.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
If you were a bouquet of fresh-cut flowers, I would take you home.
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!
What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
If fish is a type of brain food, then dumb people probably love eating noodle soup.
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
I once had a gerbil named Bobby,
Who had an unusual hobby.
He chewed on a cord,
and now -- oh my lord,
now all that's left is a blobby.
What is the smallest onion known as? It is known as an electronion.
The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.
Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!
You’re giving me torticollis by the way you’re making my head turn.
When is it raining money? Whenever there's 'change' in the weather.
I can think of an activity that'll make you sweat even more than a 90 minute hot yoga class...
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
How did the struggling leaf get the job? He got the right qua-leaf-ications.
Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!
Okay, here’s the deal: I’ll let you take the last stuffed crust frozen pizza if you let me take you to dinner. At your house. Where we’ll be having frozen pizza.
Do you have to leave so soon? I was just going to poison your drink.
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
What did the cow who barged the other cow say?
Moo-ve!
What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
Where do players hide their marijuana?
Between the stash marks.
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
I was arrested by the grammar police for not using the full stop correctly.
I am now looking at a long sentence.
What’s green and mean and stabs you when you hug it?
Cactus
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
I just heard that the government has made an amendment to lockdown to allow Father Christmas out...
It's called the Santa Clause
Did you hear about the frozen dessert whose wife had a baby?
Now he’s a popsicle.
It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.
Why did the strangers walk out onto the frozen pond?
“Did you hear the forecast for Christmas Eve? They’re calling for rain, dear!”
Why do volleyball players love to swim? They like diving in the deep and then floating in the shallow.
Did you hear about the color bomb?
Yeah it blue up.
Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
Catfish.
How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it, and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
I have to spill my guts, I love Halloween!
What do you call a zombie in pajamas?
The sleepwalking dead.
That skeleton over there wanted to ask you for your number, but, unlike me, he didn’t have the guts
What did ketchup say while spotting his friend at the gym?
Mustard all of your strength!
“Trying to do your own taxes is like a do-it-yourself mugging.”
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
It doesn't matter whether you are tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor; at the end of the day...
It's night.
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