This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
What do you call an elephant with an aerial on his head?
An elephant-enna.
If you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
What is a pizza’s favorite movie?
Pie hard.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
Whats the distant cousin of the werewolf?
The way over therewolf.
What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean? Nothing, oceans don't talk they just wave!
Why is Pegasus so smart?
He’s all kno-wing.
You know why theater people say "break a leg" instead of good luck?
Because if you do, you'll end up in a cast!
Gobbling gargoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
Babe, your beauty makes the morning sun look like the dull glimmer of the moon.
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
What happened when the monster's football game was all tied up?
They went into ogre time.
What do baseball players eat their backyard BBQ on?
Home plates.
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck
Why was the dog chasing his own tail?
Because he was trying to make both ends meet.
Nice Skates... wanna puck?
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
In medieval times, what were people who worked in banks known as? They were known as fortune-tellers!
How rude-olf of you.
Why are Catholics the best runners during the Easter season?
They fast during Lent!
Picky people pick Peter Pan Peanut-Butter, 'tis the peanut-butter picky people pick.
If I could change the periodic table, I would put Uranium and Iodine next to each other.
Did you hear about the football team that drafted a vending machine?
They really needed a quarter back!
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark you still seem to shine.
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
Hey son, do you know why the pilgrims ate biscuits at the first Thanksgiving?
Because they had a boatload of May-flour.
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
What’s a horse’s favorite dinosaur?
The broncosaurus.
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
What do you call a magician that lost his magic?
Ian.
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
What do you call a koala with no teeth? A gummy bear.
How to tell a car it has gained weight?
‘You have got Fiat.’
Time fries when you’re having fun!
What are the benefits of city buses using green fuel? They’ll always be on thyme.
"Chardonnay or should I go?"
"The dumbest people I know are those who Know It All."
– Malcolm Forbes
No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage.
I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.
What do you get when you cross a cow with a wolf?
An animal that mooed at the full moon.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
Why did the skeleton have to testify in court?
Because he was a body of evidence.
What did the turkey say during Thanksgiving?
It was too stuffed to say anything.
I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day
He was rather open-minded if you ask me.
What is the name of the final exam you take when studying bird law? The crow bar.
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
Why did Prince Charming take the Thanksgiving Turkey to the ball instead of Cinderella?
The turkey was already dressed.
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