What do you get when you cross Elon Musk and lobster bisque? A souped up car.
Do you know what firemen often add to their soup? – They add firecrackers.
What did the rabbit say to the lettuce?
Romaine calm, I’m here for the carrots.
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.
Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.
Mix a box of mixed biscuits with a boxed biscuit mixer.
"Front Row"
My desk is in the first two rows
that’s just beneath the teacher’s nose
Her eyes are on me, just like glue.
She watches everything I do.
I raise my hand. I seldom speak.
I swear I am the perfect geek.
I wish I was row four or five,
and then I’d really come alive.
I’d throw some spitballs, pass some notes.
I’d really get the teacher’s goat.
I’d make them laugh. I’d be a ham.
I like to joke. That’s who I am.
My teacher knows — and what I fear
Is that is why she keeps me near.
– Denise Rodgers
What do you call a cat from Italy?
Spacatti.
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
Who’s the penguin’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt-Arctica.
Just a buffalo laying down, bisoness as usual.
I personally think bunnies are ear-resistible.
I wanted to buy a $30 meal for my father, my grandfather and father-in-law. I figured they'd lump em all together and charge a reduced fee.
But no, I was charged $30 a pop.
Did you know that geologists are athletic? Yeah, I read it in Quartz illustrated.
Join us for plenty of play action.
Honey, you’re a slam dunk!
Resting Grinch face.
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts. What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese
My Physics teacher said I have no potential.
Joke's on her, I just bought a ladder.
How do you communicate with a fish?
Drop him a line.
What game do Ghost children play? Hide and shriek!
Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
It’s Fall coming back to me now.
Why did the butchers meating end soon? Because one of them started beef.
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
Stop Stalin and let’s hook up.
"I love those days when my only decision is whether to go to the beach in the morning or in the afternoon."
These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
What did the ice cream cone write on his valentine card?
You make me melt.
A beaver told a joke about a waterfall. It was a pour joke.
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
I would never precede you with "which," baby, because you are essential to this clause.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
Why did Rome Fall?
Because it slipped on some Greece.
What do you call an ogre in an accident?
A car Shrek.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty-year-old thug thought of that morning.
I have an exciting new job as an explosives engineer blowing up mountains for tunnels and roads.
It's Groundbreaking work.
Well I can’t Eli to you, you’re pretty cute
What do you call an American Bee?
A USB.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for Halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
What do dogs and commas have in common? Dogs have claws at the end of their paws and commas are a pause at the end of a clause.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
I came into the office early and switched as many M and N keys on keyboards as I could. Some might say I'm a monster...
But others will say nomster
What is the angriest place on Earth?
Ire-land
If coloured caterpillars could change their colours constantly could they keep their coloured coat coloured properly?
Up for some action? I can finish with one touch.
How rare is an excellent father?
Legen-daddy
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