What do you call an alligator who is holding a compass?
A navigator.
How does a horse make paper mâché?
With newspaper clip-clop-pings.
If a monkey has thirty bananas in one hand and forty bananas in the other hand, what does he have?
Very big hands.
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
Why should the Sun get into a school? To get brighter.
Looking out at the water, a father explains why the ice breaks up in the spring.
The changing sea son.
What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.
(Julie Hebert)
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night.
My dreams have never been clearer.
Why did the panda’s joke suck?
It was unbearable.
What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them? Mice Krispies!
What type of hairstyle is popular with polar bears?
Frosted tips.
What is a skeleton’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone.
What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
What do you get when you cross a dog with a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
What did the dog say when he sat down on sand paper?
Rough.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
I heard Frozen University is banning anyone who got the COVID vaccine from returning for the spring quarter
I guess if you get vaccinated you won’t be headed to the ICU.
What do you call a deer in a storm?
A raindeer
What always goes up whenever the rain comes down? An umbrella.
Q: What do you call a weatherman who farts while he pees?
A. Rain with a little wind and thunder.
Recently in a meeting at the greengrocer I work at, I asked my manager how he was doing. "Just peachy", he replied.
You radiate in the shortest wavelengths I’ve ever encountered.
Did you hear about the red ship that collided with the blue ship?
All the sailors were marooned.
If you give me your number, I promise to spam you with pictures of cute puppies on a daily basis.
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
Your eyes are so blue I feel like I'm in the sky when I'm with you.
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
Why didn’t Dr. Frankenstein ever make a second monster?
Because he just didn’t have the guts to do it again.
Miners Refuse To Work After Death
Two cabinets walk out of a bar...
One says to the other, "you walking home?" and the other replies, "Nah, I'm cabinet."
A spider saw a car he liked at the dealership and decided to take it out for a spin.
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
Do you like math? No? Me neither. In fact, the only number I care about is yours.
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There was a team member bar tending who could serve spiked drinks.
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
What is the only thing that can cure a sick do-nut?
An antidought!
Why did the skeleton have a broken heart?
His Boney lay over the ocean.
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges.
What do you call a group of crows eating a box of corn flakes?
A cereal murder.
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants!
A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
"And that?"
"Kitchen gun."
What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
(Unknown)
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