A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
The snow leopard appeared just at the time our guide predicted it. It appeared white on time!
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Comb
Comb who?
Comb on down and I'll tell you!
"The best abs exercise is five sets of stop eating so much..."
– Lazar Angelov
What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A Stegosaurus on roller skates!
What kind of cat always crosses the road?
A jaguar.
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown
I'm pine-ing for you.
I once had a gerbil named Bobby,
Who had an unusual hobby.
He chewed on a cord,
and now -- oh my lord,
now all that's left is a blobby.
What's a sheep's favorite art style?
Baa's Relief
Damn! You're almost as hot as my sister/brother.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Do you use Spotify free? You should join my Premium Duo for all the features.
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
The male pig puts everyone to sleep.
You might say he’s quite a boar.
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
I'm giving away my legless parrot, no perches necessary!
What did the boy say when his mom made him prepare the corn for supper?
This shucks!
Cycle with me? I feel like I’m on a whole other gear when I’m with you!
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
"Hey babe, you heard of the movie 'Other people?'"
"Yeah, why?"
"I think we should see it."
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him?
Filthy rich.
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
Are you the energizer bunny cause you just keep going and going through my mind.
I've got something to tell you that I think you ought to know, That my eyes are on you baby.
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
What do you call a werewolf that's found the cure for lycanthropy?
A lycan'tthrope.
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
Q: What do you do with unruly green kids?
A: Make them do limeout.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
I'm investigating the tooth fairy, and it's going well...
I've managed to get a molar into her operation. I'm going to find out the tooth at the root of all this.
You must be a Magnetar because I feel a strong magnetism between us.
I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.
The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Al.
Al who?
Al give you a kiss if you open the door.
Case in punt
I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”
When milking a nervous goat, you should use kid gloves.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
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