Where do bats go to gamble?
Bat-lantic City.

Hey babe. Wanna go for a timmies run?

Roll over. I'll scratch your belly.

What happened when the monster's football game was all tied up?
They went into ogre time.

What do yuppie sharks like to drink?
Jaw-va.

In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.

Why was the pizzeria desperate for business?
Because they kneaded the dough!

Which classical Greek may have actually invented baseball?
Homer.

"I Can Rise And Shine"

I can rise and shine, but not at the same time,
You’ll have to pick one, or you’ll miss all the fun.
It’s the wrong side of the bed or the pounding in my head,
It must be all that beer, but there’s nothing to fear.
For despite my bad smell, I plead you not to yell,
And though I am lazy, please don’t get all crazy.
After all, I’m a man; I’m a male, just a guy,
And you knew what you were getting into when you gave us a try!

What is the best breakfast cereal to eat in the winter?
Frosted Flakes!

You must be a sustainably farmed mushroom because you’re really growing on me.

"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider

Why do trees always walk so slowly? All they can do is lumber around.

I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.

What do sharks order at McDonalds?
A quarter flounder.

Pardon me if I’m being pool-itically incorrect.

Your Zygomaticus Major is the best thing that I have witnessed.

Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis

Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing? Just for the halibut!

What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
---
You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!

There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!

What would you call a vampire who is into finance?
Account Dracula.

"Love the wine you're with."

I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.

Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.

"Say you'll be wine."

What did the river say when it saw beavers for the first time? “Well, I’ll be dammed.”

Did you get a side of hummus?
It's a hummuside.

What's a frog's favorite game?
Croak-et.

What did the pastry chef say to his unsupportive father?
“Donut hole me back.”

Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.

Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence? A convict.

How do you describe a polite german lemon?
Bitte(r)

The artist successfully climbed the highest peak in the country. He attributed his success to the song, 'Paint No Mountain Higher!'

How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.

What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.

A Halloween bash in my street
was a night that will never repeat
the spirits that come
were tequila and rum
and I ended up drunk on my feet.

Which soccer position does a Ghost play? Ghoulkeeper, of course.

Damn! You're almost as hot as my sister/brother.

What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.

"My Shadow"

I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.

– Robert Louis Stevenson

I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."

Why do ice cream cones always carry an umbrella?
There’s a chance of sprinkles.

If everything in life passes, why do not you pass me your WhatsApp?

“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous

What dog keeps the best time? A watch dog.

Can’t believe I’ve gone this long in my life without Ben by your side

I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.

What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!