What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
Who’s ready to party their shamrocks off?
I used to sell loose onions
Until I got the sack
I used to adventure with a gnome, but he gave it up so he could focus on writing under a pseudonym. He became a gnome-de-plume…
Why should you always bring a bag of tortilla chips to a party?
In queso emergency.
The reason why mushrooms are always welcome even in high-end parties is because everybody believes they are really fun-guys.
Why did the skeleton put on a heavy coat?
He was chillled to the bone.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
Hey there, don’t add honey to that chamomile. You’re already too sweet.
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say cheese.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearrible.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Why did the Ghost turn down the job? He could not see himself doing it.
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.
"Laughing 'til I'm coffin."
Wouldn't we look cute on a wedding cake together?
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
What does a spy do in the rain?
He goes undercover.
Hello Boo-tiful.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Jamaican.
Jamaican who?
Jamaican me horny.
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
There once was a girl called Jane,
who thought she had a really big brain.
She thought she was cool,
standing in a puddle of drool,
but really she was just insane.
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
Beaver jokes
Can be pretty dam funny.
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.
What is a myelinated neuron's favorite type of music?
Wrap music.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
You made my life a mess
Please call a clean-up crew
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle!
What did the bear say when her date showed up too early?
I’ll be out in a minute, I’m bearly dressed.
What did the banana do when he saw a monkey? The banana split!
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
A spectator at a baseball game wondered why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then, it hit him.
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." - John Glenn
Why was the scarecrow upset with the worm?
It was going ear to ear in the corn field!
"We gotta get you out of those wet clothes and into a dry martini."
- Jay Chandrasekhar, Beerfest (2006)
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
“If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that “Members not Present” and “Subjects Discussed” were one and the same.”
- Robert Brault
Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.
I dropped my computer on my foot.
It mega-hurts.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.
Why did the fish blush?
Because it saw the ocean's bottom.
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
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