What do you call a pickle that got run over on the road?
Road dill.
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
A lobster's favorite shot in tennis?
The lob.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
Why did the flower take her husband back after he cheated?
She rose above it.
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
You don’t need car keys to drive me crazy.
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
When my teacher asked me if I knew who built the ark in History class, I answered, "I have Noah idea!"
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
What do you call an ogre in an accident?
A car Shrek.
"You give me premature ventricular contractions. You make my heart skip a beat."
- Natalie Portman, No Strings Attached (2011)
What do you call a gorilla with a million dollars?
A gorillanaire
Why do girl ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
Yesterday I went to the store for only 2 items, a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. Fortunately they were relatively light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
I mist say, this is a pretty bad joke, but it haze potential.
How about we go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
What is a car’s favourite film?
Taxi.
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
There are more planes under the oceans than there are submarines up in the skies. Let that sink in...
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.
Permission to board?
What did the egg do when it saw the frying pan?
It scrambled.
If you were a triangle, you’d be acute one.
During the battle between the two onion kings, one of them was on the back foot as it was leek-ing blood.
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?
I want to stick to you like glucose.
I honestly cannot deal with puns.
But I can with a deck of cards.
Won't you wear my ring up around your neck
To tell the world I'm yours by heck!
Call me AC/DC, because I'm gonna rock you all night long!
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
We’re traveling winter-nationally.
Why did the vampire get a COVID test?
Because he was COFFIN.
I hear the Minotaur is really stubborn....
He's really bull-headed.
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
I=f(U), I can't function without you.
How do you sum up a cashew?
In a nutshell.
What happens to romantic trees on Valentine’s Day? They get all sappy.
"I am proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is I could be just as proud for half of the money."
- Arthur Godfrey
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