Just like Evan, this match is also the cure
Bus ticket inspectors: You’ve really got to hand it to them.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past again?
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
When the cats and the bats are about
Many witches are near, no doubt
If one is in sight
And you're filled with fright
Don't worry - just yell out a shout.
A cued peach visual communication system is used with people suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
He is a humble husband. Unlike others, he never blows his crumpet after making breakfast for his wife everyday.
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son
"Beehive!"
Knock Knock
Who's there
Four Eggs
Four Eggs who
Four Eggs ample!
Seas the day.
Metaphors be with you.
I went to the butcher's the other day and asked them, how do you prepare your turkey for Thanksgiving?
They said that they just tell them straight out that you're gonna die.
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
The success in this sport is not how you bowl, but how you roll.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
My Little Chocolate Mess
Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.
Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!
In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!
(Darlene Gifford)
Where do ants go on vacation?
Frants.
Why did the baker keep putting too much flour in the bread? Because he was a gluten for punishment.
"I guess I think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged."
- Roger Jones
Summer went swimmingly this year.
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
Asked a pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?"
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
Will you be the perimeter to my world?
Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
You must be the square root of two because I'm irrational around you.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
What has 148 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? MY ZIPPER!
Why is spring a great time to start a gardening business?
Because it’s the season when you can really rake in the cash.
Babe, it doesn’t matter that you got diabetic retinopathy, because I heard love is blind.
What did the doctor tell the skeleton who wanted to donate his body to science?
Spine on the dotted line.
What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.
"When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight."
— Yogi Berra
What do fish use to weigh themselves?
Scales!
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
Resting Grinch face.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
The only crime I will ever commit is stealing your heart.
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
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