What do you get if you cross a pigeon and a parrot? Voicemail!
A person who only loves himself and waffles in the entire world is an Eggomaniac.
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
"My name is Khan, please sit and entertain me."
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup? Firecrackers!
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses?
Bronchitis.
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
My fridge is hotter than you.
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder.
They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.
What kind of jokes do you make in the shower? Clean Jokes!
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
I bet you play soccer because you're a keeper.
Why do basketball players love cookies? Because they can dunk them!
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.
There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
What does a horse do when it smells rotten seafood?
It scallops outta there.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
Why can't mermaids use the letters A or B?
They only know what's below C level.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
I look at you and wham! I'm head over heels
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
Case in punt
Why do vampires eat lentils?
Because they are so into pulses.
“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”
― Amy Neftzger
Where do pepperonis go on vacation?
The Leaning Tower of Pizza.
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
To begin to toboggan first buy a toboggan, but don’t buy too big a toboggan. Too big a toboggan is too big a toboggan to buy to begin to toboggan.
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
What happened when rockers couldn't get their favorite dessert? Rage against the Broken Ice Cream Machine.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be dead
Than stuck with you!
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?" —George Carlin
I just lost my job and may be Baroque, but that doesn't mean I can't show you a good time.
Why can't basketball players go on vacation?
They aren't allowed to travel.
What is a zombie that speaks two languages?
Zombilingual.
Did you hear about the Heisman Trophy candidate who falsified his rushing stats?
The yards were stacked in his favor!
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
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