“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
There’s an earthquake in my heart, and you’re the epicenter.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!
A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*
What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
Can you do sign language?
I wish I knew how to sign because I don't think any spoken words can describe how beautiful you are.
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
HELP! It's a taco emergency!
Dial 9 Juan Juan!
What did the deer tell his buddy before he took a test?
“Good buck!”
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal?
Megadeath by Chocolate.
Even Mozart couldn't make a composition as beautiful as you
This foundation is rock salad.
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
What did the Christmas tree tell his crush? I pine for you.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
What do tigers sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells! Jungle bells!
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
A certain Leafs right-winger was sued by the Louisiana government. He was
Owen N'awlins.
If flamingos can’t fly, how on earth do they get about? They use flamingo karts, of course.
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
What happened when the football coach’s dog ran onto the field during a game?
He got called for ineligible retriever down field!
Why could I not imagine to have milk in the afternoon? Because it was beyond my wildest creams.
What do gnome mothers often say to their naughty children? Wait till your father gets gnome.
Forget Santa, you’re on my nice list.
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift. Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
I'm the life of the paddy.
What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
Have you seen any linking verbs around here? Because you are my complement and I want to connect.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
I hate when I have to stop scuba diving
If makes me deep-pressed
An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.
Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."
Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"
Art Dealer: "He was your doctor."
Why did the belt get arrested? He held up a pair of pants.
Apple is announcing a new cell phone for children.
iKid you not.
The sweet potato asked the other potato : “How are my eyes? ”
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
I saw a squirrel throw up today! It was nuts!
What do you call a holy squirrel?
A chipmunk.
Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
Will you Scarlett me take you out this weekend?
What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
Let’s show Potassium and water that the two of us can make a more energetic reaction together than them!
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
How does a horse get a suit fitted?
With a tail-or.
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