What kind tree grows chickens?
Poultry.
How do cats say goodbye in Italy?
Miao.
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong? King Kong is more sensitive.
Did you know that Beethoven's favorite fruit
Ba Na Na Naaa...Ba Na Na Naaa...
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance? The bunny hop.
The skeleton was scared of going skiing, he didn’t want to wrist it.
How do lumberjacks shut down their computers?.
They log off.
Are you epinephrine? ‘Cause baby, you make my heart race….
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
I now pronounce you husband and wifi
You may kiss the bride goodbye.
I was talking to this guy about how I hate geometry. You know what he said to me.
You just have to look at it from a different angle.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
"Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices in soils, plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face."
- Teresa Watkins
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.
You don't know jack-o-lantern
I used to sell loose onions
Until I got the sack
What’s the best part of a cow? The topside, of course.
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.
Ya gotta check it out. My water bed is full of beer.
What did the fish say to the mermaid?
- Have a fintastic day!
What covers the floor of the motzarella forest?
Cheese sticks.
I'm not saying my grandpa was unlucky but he died in the middle of the desert.
Witnesses said it was the most unusual shark attack they've ever seen.
Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.
“People teach their dog to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”—Mitch Hedberg
You ever heard the Stormtrooper band?
Probably not, they've never had a hit.
I tried to build myself an armchair, but I messed up some of the measurements and made it too wide.
So near, and yet sofa
What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant.
Is it possible to scare a sasquatch out of your yard by tossing eggs at him?
Only if you eggs-terminate him.
From a frog: Hey baby, it's a future rose from a future prince.
I’m stuck on you like igloo.
What did the cow say to his friend when they met twice in the same day? “What a cow-incidence!”
Which month can’t make a decision?
MAY-be.
Where do you send turtles who commit crimes?
To the shell-block.
Q: What would a peach love to pet?
A: A Pit Bull.
"I Love to Hate You"
Just one look at you
Tempting me, teasing me, tormenting me
I hate the feelings you evoke
Greed
Desire
Lust
Just want to hold you, devour you
I don’t want to see you go
But I can never resist the last chocolate in the box!
— Jan Allison
Where does a potato go to college? DeFry
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
What did the thief steal on the theatre's opening night? The spotlight.
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat? A dirty kid.
“Animals may be our friends, but they won’t pick you up at the airport."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? Because you never see a rabbit wearing glasses.
You must be from the cosmos because your body is heavenly.
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