People need to be careful about computers at all times because they byte.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a cow? Roost beef!
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
What’s a deer’s favorite place to get ice cream?
Deery Queen.
"I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’" — Amy Schumer
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
What does the watermelon say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? – “You are one in a melon!”
What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.
Did you hear about the vampire who only had one fang?
He just had to grin and bare it.
It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
It’s the most wonderful time of the beer.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
I was picking through the turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but I couldn't find one big enough for my family. I turned to the employee and asked, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
“No, sir," he replied. "They're dead."
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
I couldn't chair less!
What happens after you eat an entire gallon of "All Natural" ice cream? You get Breyer's remorse!
That dog is so beautiful. She should be on the cover of Vanity Fur.
What sound does a Greek cow make?
"μ"
What do baleen whales call a hook-up?
Netflix and krill.
There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
What’s the scariest plant?
BamBoo.
We have great chemis-tree.
Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.
There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.
I like your tight end
You look so sweet that you're giving me a cavity.
When a gardener asks you how much you love them, you could try the effective – I love you from my head to-ma-toes.
Today I learned that a giraffe’s neck is so strong a human can climb up it.
Also, I got banned from my local zoo.
What do you call a wizard aboard a spacecraft?
A flying sorcerer.
It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.
Why didn’t the skeleton laugh at the joke?
Because he didn’t have a funny bone.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
I tried driving a truck with a trailer that was attached without using the proper equipment.
It went off without a hitch.
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
What does a cheese like to drink after a long day?
Morbier.
What did the British man say to the man with the submachine gun he's never met?
Uzi?
Do you work for NASA? Because you're out of this world.
What do you call a pickle you got at a cheap price?
A sweet dill.
Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea? Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.
In my village, there is a farmer who takes his cows to refill their food at the grass station.
What did the mathematician do at the baseball game?
Square root for the home team.
Are you Australia? Cause your geographical location is hot.
Why do painters always fall for their models?
Because they love them with all of their art.
Q. Why was the blonde disappointed after her visit to an apiary?
A. There weren't any gorillas there. DUH!
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