Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.
What is a cat’s favorite Tom Hanks character? Furrest Gump.
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw. Who makes the best prehistoric reptile clothes ? A dino-sewer.
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
What's a pun's favorite love song?
"My Punny Valentine!"
Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
What do call a cactus which is shaped like a penis
Dildon’t.
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? He wanted to get to the bottom.
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
We Rodin a taxi around the city after dark.
Hi there, I heard you were looking for something locally grown? How about some organic and 100% locally grown companion?
Why do so few vegetarians become competitive swimmers?
They don’t like the swim meats!
Did you hear that Mexicans created a machine that dispenses fish?
They call it a pez dispenser.
What did the horse say to his friend that didn’t come party last night?
You didn’t turnout.
My sister's laptop is so sassy and fun, it loves to play disc-o music.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was too tired..
Have you heard of the hair stylist that refuses to cut hair?
If she won't cut hair to earn a living, she'll certainly dye.
Electric cars can't get exhausted...
...but they can get wheely tired.
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
Why is the chef so mean?
He beats the eggs.
Girl is your name baseball? Cause I just want to hit it with you.
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
A book fell on my head. I can only blame my shelf.
What does a skunk’s car run on?
Fumes.
Where's a pickle's favorite place to go in London?
Pickle-dilly Square.
Ouch! You are giving me a good kind of toothache just because of your sweetness.
Why couldn't the garden gnome run in the marathon?
Because he's not part of the human race!
What did the florist say when it was springtime?
Business is blooming!
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
Q: What does a dentist do during an earthquake?
A: She braces herself!
Why was fog kicked off the football team? He mist a field goal.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?
An alley-gator!
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
Luca here, I’m just going to cut to the chase and ask if you want to get a drink with me
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
Will you be the Flin to my Flon?
Why did the elephant start the stampede?
Because it wanted to be herd.
I'm currently dating a famous soccer player. He's so loving and caring towards me.
He's a keeper.
Got plans for leftovers, yet?
Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!
Did you hear Ireland is the fastest-growing country in Europe?
Its population is always Dublin.
I can turn your software into hardware.
If a crab worked in a pizza parlor, which station would it work?
The crust station.
What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.
Why was the evergreen so lonely in high school? She was always pining to become a part of the poplar kids.
Q; What’s the difference between origami and grandpa passing wind?
A: One is the art of the fold, the other, the fart of the old.
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