I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
There are many fish in the sea but you're the only one that's caught my eye.
Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he is a keeper!
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
My Dermatologist was fired today...
He made too many rash decisions.
Don't ignite your friends from behind, even if it's just a prank.
It will back fire for sure.
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back."
Franklin Jones
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
I had no one to help me when my computer and phone mutinied
I was left to my own devices.
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
The basketball player sat on the sideline and began sketching pictures of chickens. He was learning how to draw fowls.
Did you hear about the skeleton that was almost picked apart by a group of wild dogs?
He marrowly escaped.
What you call the Ghost of a Chicken? Poultry-geist.
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
What do llamas always say after yoga class?
“Llamaste.”
Have you ever heard of mushroom cars? Well, they have an interesting sound which goes line shroom shroom!
What do you get when you cross a frog with a rabbit?
A bunny ribbit.
Roberta ran rings around the Roman ruins.
What do llamas say when you tell them something obvious?
“No spit, Sherlock.”
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell
Yeah, you’re gonna love Big Ben. Oh wait, you mean the clock.
There is a Giant Screwdriver attacking the city. Please seek shelter immediately. This is not a drill.
So how many cats do you have?
What's a frog's favorite game?
Hop-scotch (or leapfrog).
Anything unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.
I’m diagnosing you to see if you’d make a good boyfriend.
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
You are the best compression gear because you made my blood flow.
When you cross summer sun with summer pun you get summer fun.
Did you hear about the submarine industry?
It really took a dive...
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone
"Fun Grandpa"
My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.
Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.
A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.
What pet makes the loudest noise? A trum-pet!
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says
"No swimming without supervision."
My dad just told be a cool joke about drums
I thought I’d snare it with you guys
What kind of hair explodes?
Bangs.
So, how on earth did the police catch the watermelon thief without a solid description? Don’t really know; guess the bloke was acting seedy.
Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.
I said 'You're brilliant, what's the band called?'
They replied 'We are the Champignons."
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Dewey.
Dewey who?
Dewey have to use a condom?
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