We were mermaid for each other.
What does a chicken need to lay an egg every day?
Hen-durance.
“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis
How do you measure a mosquito’s harddrive?
With bug bytes.
My space ship is ready. Wanna ride?
I mustache you a question..
but I'll shave it for later.
What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
What kind of fish do you find in a bird cage?
A perch!
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he liked cool music.
What do you say to an overbearing pig? Stop porcine the issue.
What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
Heaven called, they're missing an Angel.
"What an egg-citing day."
My fridge is hotter than you.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
"I'm dyeing to know what's up."
You look good on your yoga mat.
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.
It’s the fawn of a new day! - said the deer happily after waking up.
Can you drive my car?
I saw a squirrel throw up today! It was nuts!
What do you call a holy squirrel?
A chipmunk.
Wow you’re the most beautiful girl I Eva seen
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
What game do Ghost children play? Hide and shriek!
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage...
Only driven from time to time.
Why did the cat decide to sleep under the car? Because she wanted to wake up oily!
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
What do you get when you cross a bat with a doorbell?
A ding-bat.
What did you have for breakfast?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for lunch?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for dinner?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What do you do when your sister comes home?
- rubber balls and liquor!
Did you hear about the 2 apes that kept fighting with each other?
It was gorilla warfare.
Why did the kid keep falling off his bike? It had a banana seat.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Howie.
Howie who?
Howie gonna hide this affair from your husband?
What do donuts wear to weddings? Tuxe-doughs!
What do you call a melon that commits a crime?
“A water-fellon!”
You’re my pot of gold.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite holiday?
A. Ape-ril Fools Day!
"I'll always remember last night, but I think we can forget about tomorrow."
Can one tropical bird change a lightbulb?
No, but toucan.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
Why was the pig crying? Because he was boar-ed to tears.
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