"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s a long story.
A few punny Wifi names you can use:
Wi-Fight the Inevitable
Chance the Router
The LAN Before Time
Silence of the LAN
I Believe Wi Can Fi
The Password is...
Click Here to Download
Get off my LAN
Router? I Hardly Knew Her
Definitely Not Wifi
In Spain, you should not develop a program beyond 2.0.
Because that would be over dos.
Why did the banana go out with a lemon?
Because it couldn't find a date!
What's a nervous person's favorite drink?
Insecuri tea!
This vacation has been sand-sational!
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
Why did the blonde skier cut a hole near the top of her boyfriend's ski parka?
She wanted to give him the cold shoulder.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.
The last one to the top of the mountain has to buy dinner.
My wife refused to go to a nude beach with me
I can't believe she is so clothes-minded.
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
I’m no geometric genius, but all love triangles soon turn into wreck-tangles.
"Laughing 'til I'm coffin."
Spent the whole day running around dressed as a zombie. I’m dead on my feet.
Dublin’ the fun.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy
When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.
What Do You Call Two Ducks And A Cow?
Quakers and milk.
If pronouncing b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian...
Then Soviet
Why wouldn’t anyone play with the little longhorn?
He was too much of a bully.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.
Why did Paco's girlfriend not want to kiss him?
She was afraid of the a-Paco-lips.
They say that she only paints night scenes. Other artists really pale by comparison.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
H20 is water, but what is H204?
It’s for swimming and drinking, of course.
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
How did the cheese get such curly hair?
It got a permasan.
Why did the giraffe get bad grades? He had his head in the clouds.
I introduced my mouse to my keyboard today...
It was awkward at first, but then they just clicked.
The classiest indoor tennis facilities serve bubble tea.
What did the fawn say to warn her friend about the haunted house?
“Don’t go deer!”
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A bird that talks in morse code!
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale." — Hussein Nishah
Are you an alarm clock? Because I want to kill you.
Q. Which game do hunters go after first?
A. The nearest and the deerest.
Where do the monkeys melt their cheese?
Under the gorilla.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
If a cat broke your computer...
Would it be that an error has o-purred ?
My Creeper gets excited when it sees how hot you look.(Minecraft)
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