"I put a dollar in one of those changed machines. Nothing changed." ~ George Carlin
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
What did the baby cloud say to its mum when it rained? Sorry, mum, I couldn't hold it any longer.
What goes up but never comes down? Your age!
What does vikings call english villages?
Chopping centers.
Why did the sapling go to the doctor’s office? He was feeling a little green.
Pan wants to lead his kind to rebellion, but...
He can't get no Satyr Faction.
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,...
“...my mother was never a young boy.”
What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.
What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? Ice Cream
Why did the bus driver laugh? He was having a 'wheely' good time!
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
What did Sherlock Holmes say when he caught the Christmas tree bandit? It was elemen-tree, my dear Watt-son.
Hundreds of chickpeas were found dead the other day. The police say it's a hummuside.
It’s not you – it’s me. I don’t like you anymore.
I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.
Excuse me, I think you dropped something: My jaw.
The best thing ever to put in a strawberry pie is your teeth.
Some types of meat like to play around a lot. These are generally the game types.
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
Why did the T-Rex only sell hand-guns?
He was a small-arms dealer.
I wanted to buy a book on Albert Einstein's theories but it was on the top shelf...
It's information that's way over my head.
All farts...are laughing gas.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
Flamingo parents are really cute with their babies. You should see them playing Beak a Boo.
Why do Ghosts make such good company? They are full of spirit.
Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
She needed to makeup her mind!
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
I fed my wife some ground chick peas and she choked to death
The police are treating it as a hummuside.
Are you a locksmith? Because you hold the key to my heart.
Do you believe in love at first set, or should we run it another time?
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
Trumpester: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so.
What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?
"You're a real pain."
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby!
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
Baby, I would trade the entire candy bar in the world for you.
Don’t worry, beer happy.
What did the Gorilla say to his friend when he called him back on the phone?
You-Rang-a-Tang?
My wife hates my collection of old snake skins.
So I have to keep them in the shed.
My girlfriend and I saw an inflatable gorilla In front of a jacuzzi store
She asked me why they would do that for a jacuzzi store. I told her it was a guerilla tactic. She was not impressed.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
You wanna score or just knock around some soccer balls?
Did you hear about the fumbled exorcism? The guy retained possession!
Are you a keyboard ? Because you are my type.
Where do beavers keep their money? Well, they keep it in the riverbank.
Don't use the word "EGG" for your password...
It's very easily cracked.
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up
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