I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
How many times do I have to walk around you to make you fall for me?
Where do elves vote?
The North Poll.
What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.
I'm trying to think of a weather pun, but my mind's kinda cloudy now.
Even Mozart couldn't make a composition as beautiful as you
Did you hear Ireland is the fastest-growing country in Europe?
Its population is always Dublin.
“I can’t breathe” One potato said to the other. “What happened? ” The other said. The potato replied “I
feel I dropped my nose somewhere”
I=f(U), I can't function without you.
If you were to be as rich as your number, how much are you worth?
I hooked a stereo up to my recliner.
Now it's a rocking chair.
It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
Why do owls make such bad baseball players?
Their hits are always fowl.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
Silly Sally swiftly shooed seven silly sheep. The seven silly sheep Silly Sally shooed shilly-shallied south. These sheep shouldn’t sleep in a shack; sheep should sleep in a shed.
Q. Where do Midwest does prefer to give birth?
A. Deerborn, Michigan.
What do you call the people that you eat grass and produce milk alongside?
Cow-workers!
Girl you are rocking this run.
What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
Hear about the saxophone player who switched from a tenor to a soprano saxophone in the middle of the concert?
The press made quite a big deal out of his sax change.
Is your name Wi-fi? Because I'm really feeling a connection.
Why are Siberian tigers so happy at Christmas time? Because it is snowy, and they get to look like white tigers.
I know a pea that's a famous singer. He's a VIP.
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses.
What money do zombies use?
Crypt-o-currency.
What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer? The Space bar!
My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood.
He has a nervous tick.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
Love me till ice cream.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams
I asked the bartender for the WiFi password but he told me to buy a drink first. So I ordered a Moscow Mule and asked him again. He handed me a card with the password. It said:
"Buy a drink first" ... no spaces, all lowercase."
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
What kind of cheese to beavers eat?
Edam.
What makes more noise than a dog barking outside your window?
Two dogs barking outside your window.
Being a soprano is a great opera tunity.
My friends and I are in search of some fresh vegetables puns.
Please lettuce know if you find any.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
What’s a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
A friend has joined a blonds only theatre group. Fair play to him.
What kind of potatoes do zombies like?
Monster mash.
Did you hear about the doctor who was practicing bee venom therapy without a license?
He was arrested in a sting operation.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
An extraterrestrial.
An extraterrestrial who?
Wait, how many extraterrestrials do you know?
There are so many puppies and kitties around the neighbourhood. Perhaps it is because it has been raining cats and dogs for hours.
Hey baby, are you a cloud server?
Because I have something to upload from my hard drive.
What do you call Bears without ears
B.
Go to BabaMail
