Who were the first cheese lovers ever?
Edam and Eve.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Damn.
Let me kiss you.
(Unknown)
Wouldn't we look cute on a wedding cake together?
Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.
What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone?
A golden receiver.
My email password has been hacked again
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
Halloween is the night of darkness. But you are brighter than an angel.
Q. What does the alpha gorilla call his first wife?
A. His prime mate.
Are you a brand new racing suit? Because you make me forget how to breathe.
What does a giant Tyrannosaurus eat? Anything she wants!
What do you call a blind dinosaur? adoyouthinkhesaurus.
There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'Does it fit?'
He replied, 'Not a bit!'
That uneasy Old Man of the West.
Why are Minotaurs always broke?
Because their loan sharks are always milking them dry!
All the girls I meet keep thinking I’m a sheep.
Every time they see me they say “Ewe”
In a world that is full of apples, it is much better to be a pineapple.
Half of Italy is complaining about the coronavirus and the other half is laughing not taking it seriously.
All they do is cheese and wine.
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
What do you call an amazing day up a mountain? A peak experience.
You don’t need car keys to drive me crazy.
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
Where do penguins go swimming?
At the South Pool!
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
Give me extra time; I’ll prove to you that I’m worth it.
Don’t come to France without any Monet.
Hey how’s it going? Ben jammin’ much today?
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
My sister said I would never be able to make a beach pun.
Is seashore about that?
Who is a penguin’s favourite family member?
Aunt Artica.
I could never Elea-gnor someone so stunning as you
Where did the milk write everything about her life? In her dairy.
Octopus ocular optics.
If you had eleven roses and you looked in the morror; then you'd see twelve of the most beatiful things in the world.
What did the pink panther say when he stepped on the ant? A. deadant deadant deadant deadant.
What did the duck say when he dropped the dishes?
“I hope I didn’t quack any.”
Girl, if I am epsilon, will you be my delta?
Why don't aliens get hungry after being blasted into space?
Because they've just had a big launch.
There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.
What do you get when you cross a human and a pear?
A pear-son.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
What do you call a flying monkey?
A hot air baboon.
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.
What do cloves use for money? Garlic "Bread."
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.
The only type of cookies a cookie monster loves to eat during Halloween is Ghoul Scout Cookies.
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