Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
A student made our teacher so angry, they flipped their desk
Oh, the tables have turned
We’ll have a splash-tastic time.
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
What do you call an alert ant?
Vigil-ant.
What is a cow's favorite deli meat? Bull-ogna!
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Juno.
Juno who?
Juno I love you, don't you?
What do you get if you cross an alligator with a flower?
I don’t know, but I will not smell it!
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up? It blossoms.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
My pants might be in the wrong place but my heart is always in the right place.
I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
Why did the old man hate living next to the tennis courts?
He couldn't stand all the racket!
A barber, a hairdresser, and Bigfoot walk into a bar...
You know what...I'm gonna shave this joke for another time.
My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
What did baby corn say to Mama corn?
Where's Popcorn?
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars.
Got the drive-thru girl at Taco Bell..
I pulled up and she said, "what can I get you?" And I replied, "I'll just have a moment for now."
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
I need more than 140 characters to tell you how beautiful you are.
My car smelled like bacon when I got home.
My porking brake was on.
What do you call someone with Yellow hair on the beach?
A beach blond.
Why do pigs make awful football players?
They don’t like playing with the “pig skin.”
What stays in the corner and travels all over the world? A stamp.
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.
A group of crows drooling over a pastry is called a-tempted murder.
If a star fell for every time I thought of you, the sky would be empty.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
Friend you’re one year older
Time waits for none, I think.
Since weather’s getting colder
Let me buy you a drink.
I’ll make sure it’s really hot
And quite the tasty brew.
Now let’s drink up to the thought
I’m not as old as you!
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.
If a young goat learns a martial art, are they a karate kid?
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
“Remember: don’t eat the yellow snow.”
You used to call me on my cell-ery phone.
What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons?
José and Hose-B.
It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.
What do you called a crow that cant find his way?
A lost caws
My dad died on Thanksgiving whilst eating dinner.
Fowl play was suspected.
Q. Which country was founded by wild gorillas?
A. The Banana Republic.
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
What do you call a house that likes food? a Condoment!
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