Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
Did Spotify fix their mistakes? Because you will no longer be the hottest single after you spend time with me tonight.
Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie? because it was rated arrrrr!
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
I hear there's a new COVID-19 vaccine delivered via an audio interface as music.
It is hoped that this will lead to heard immunity.
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
If you were here, Abby all over you
I’d be Carol-ying if I said you weren’t absolutely stunning.
There are so many forms of martial arts, it’s hard to keep track of.
Kind of.. Kung Fusing
What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-ass.
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
This relationship is kinda like the Superbowl LIII halftime show; I can’t wait for it to be over.
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
What did the boyfriend mouse say too the girlfriend mouse family? Mice too meet you.
I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
I used to randomly steal beverages off people...
I stopped when I realized it wasn't my cup of tea
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
Dracowla.
Frankenstein’s monster was really worried one day.
“Pull yourself together”, said Frankenstein.
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
What do you call a pig with skin problems? A wart-hog.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
Which birds go to church a lot?
Birds of pray.
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
I hate spring cleaning.
Darn things bounce all over the place.
“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf
What do you call a hairy beast that’s lost?
A where-wolf!
What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!
I started dating a girl I really like. She's really into bees.
I think she's a keeper
What do you call a male orange?
Mangerine!
“How do the elves clean Santa’s sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!”
Why did the bus driver take a long break? He needed a wheel-y good rest!
Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
Why shouldn't you buy illegal seasonings? It's always a shady dill.
Why did the Iron Chef have to stop cooking? He ran out of Thyme.
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
Why is research more trustworthy if it comes from France?
It's Pierre-reviewed.
Baby, I didn't buy any fireworks this year, because you're the only one who lights up my sky.
My dad just told me something that sent a chill down my spine.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
What's the difference between Cloepatra and King Arthur?
One had Camelot and one had a lot of camels.
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
“You can kid the world, but not your sister.”—Charlotte Gray
Q. Whay aren't gorillas afraid of zombies?
A. Because the ape-ocalypse doesn't frighten them.
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