What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
You can never get short balls over the net! Solution: Drop shot from arsenal.
They can prohibit my alcohol, you intoxicate me enough.
Hershey factories make millions of kisses a day, but I’m asking for only one.
"Dust"
The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!
– P. A. Ropess
What is the tallest building in the world? The library! It has the most stories!
They say I’m too indecisive to be a tennis umpire
but I still haven’t ruled it out.
A dog in a pumpkin patch is called...
a pumpkin pooch.
If I had Jack Sparrow's compass, it'd be pointing at you.
Whenever I feel like wining, I remind myself to put a cork in it.
Why was McGruff the Crime Dog ejected from the football game?
He was called for unnecessary gruffness!
My dyslexia has reached a new owl.
Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side.
What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
I saw a really cool kangaroo the other day
It had a hip hop
There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.
Did you hear about one flower who went on a date with another flower?
It’s a budding romance.
What does a flower say when they’re offering you a job?
Take it or leaf it.
Did you hear about the flower who was struck in a hit and run?
She was leafed for dead.
What do politicans need to drink? Honest-Tea.
What does a baby volcano say to his volcano mother?
Magma
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
If you wake up in a RED room, with no windows or doors, don't be alarmed, you're just in my heart.
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
Can’t Lucy how perfect a date with me could be?
How do you sink a submarine full of fools?
You knock on the door.
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
"You bake me crazy."
Why did the computer break up with the internet? There was no "Connection".
I imagine eventually there will be a day when we have a WiFi hotspot on Mt. Everest.
Only then will we reach peak internet.
I was going to replace the seats at my bar
But... I just can't look at another stool sample
Goldfish Is Saved From Drowning
What goes ‘Cackle, cackle, cackle, bonk’?
A witch laughing her head off.
Taco Bell overcooked my food
I asked for a brrrr-ito and an en-chill-ata.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!
Q: What does a tiger call an antelope?
A: Fast food.
Is that a candy cane in your pocket, or are you just struggling to contain your excite-mint?
Did you hear about the gorilla that was from Vietnam?
He was a viet kong.
What cheese is made backwards?
Edam.
"Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking."
~ Anonymous
This weekend is going to be LITerary.
Q. Why was the baby gorilla such a big brat?
A. Because his parents are big apes.
Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.
Why did the mouse stay inside?
Because it was raining cats and dogs.
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
Q: Why are cherries never lonely?
A: Because they hang around in bunches.
Dad: How does a farmer keep his cows in line?
Kids: How?
Dad: He keeps them a-cow-ntable!
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'
Were you a member of the Boy Scouts? You’ve tangled up my heart.
"I am a leaf on the wind... in bed."
- Firefly
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