What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
I told my kids that ketchup can go on anything.
You know, It’s the least condiment denominator.
You're that ugly that if I could do myself, I wouldn't need you.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
Super-duper storm troopers whoop it up at Death Star groupers: helmet thrashing, rebel bashing, laser blasting at party poopers.
There is a specific type of cats who love to go bowling. They are known as alley cats.
Q. Why doesn't a big gorilla have to flush the toilet?
A. He scares the sh*t out of it!
How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs? He logged in.
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
She saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure she saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa?
What time is it when people are throwing pieces of bread at your head?
Time to duck.
I'd like to get to know you biblically.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
Basketball players always drop cookies into their milk.
That way, it's a slam dunk.
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck...
It was a camel tow
My dad and I saw this girl with a colorful backpack covered in pot leaves
He turned to me and said "thats a dope backpack". He is catching onto my slang.
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
What do you call an elephant with an aerial on his head?
An elephant-enna.
After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.
You’re all I’m Luca-ing for and more
What do you call a pickle doctor?
A dill pusher.
It's pretty obvious, that if you run in front of a moving car, you will get tired. But if you run behind it..
..do you just get exhausted ?
If your mom slaps you with high frequency -
It Hertz
Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.
What did the swimming pool say to the skimmer?
Leaf me alone!
What did the turkey say after Thanksgiving dinner? I'm still stuffed.
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."
What genre are national anthems?
Country.
Do you have any tape? Because I'm totally ripped.
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
What are pig criminals known for? Pigpockets.
If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.
How do two cherries make up after an argument? They cherry the hatchet.
Why was the computer late to work? Because it had a hard drive!
Whale, hello there.
Humpty Dumpty had a terrible summer, but he sure had a great fall.
Are you Christmas? Because I want to Merry you.
What did the owl’s valentine say?
You are hootiful.
How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs, of course!
Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.
Wayne went to Wales to watch walruses.
How does a 20-something pig hit on someone?
They invite them over to Netflix and swill.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
During the summer break, I enrolled myself in a peach coding course.
When the mama peach found out that his child had failed his class, she was s-peach-less.
Smokers Are Productive, But Death Cuts Efficiency
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
What is a lightyear?
The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
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