Which element is a member of famous rock band?
Hg
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
What do you call a polyarmourus deceased gorilla?
Harembe.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
Where do horses go to the bathroom?
The bathroom stall-ion.
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
A crow’s favorite nutty dessert is Pecawn Pie.
Who was the fastest runner in the race?
Adam, because he was first in the human race.
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
People need to be careful about computers at all times because they byte.
Shouldn't you be on top of the tree, Angel?
On which day do tiger eat people?
Chewsday
"learn to play piano by ear!"
"Thanks, I'd rather use my fingers."
What is the difference between a car and a bull?
A car only has one horn.
There’s only one thing I want to change about you, and that’s your last name.
A cued peach visual communication system is used with people suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
One bowl of soup said to the other, "Hello Broth-er".
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree on me.
It was a hambush.
What did the kangaroo say about the man who kidnapped her joey?
Stop that pick-pocket!
Roses are red, violets are blue. There’s nothing in the world more prettier than you.
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
My wife was just recently diagnosed with colorectal cancer and now has surgery scheduled to remove a couple of inches of her colon. I expect her grammar will improve as a result.
Because she's going to have to learn how to use a semicolon.
What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?
A pairing knife
I feel the rush upon eating chocolate whenever I hold your hand.
Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!
Ariana look-out for someone to date? Because look no further!
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
Sorry, But You Owe Me A Drink. Well, When I Saw You, I Dropped Mine.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
Every time I passed a ring-shaped coral reef with a coral rim that encircles a lagoon, I had to pay a fee. It was atoll.
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
What do you call a baby lion on lettuce?
Cub Salad.
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
What kind of musical instrument do mice play?
A mouse organ!
I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.
It’s never great taking a truck driver to the cinema to watch a film. They only really like the trailers.
What did one body of water say to the other?
"Do you sea what I sea?"
Can I be one of the men in your box?
What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
It got lockjaw.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
Who’s the penguin’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt-Arctica.
My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.
She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
How is Big Foot so good at rock climbing?
He always finds the biggest footholds.
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
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