I tried to catch the fog.
But I mist.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
Did you hear about the monk who was caught molesting kids? Yeah, bastard was telling the poor kids to touch his eunuch-horn.
My brother turned into a vegetable.
I guess now he has fryngers and potatoes.
Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.
Even as unicorn parents, you always want to control the internet unless you want your foals checking
out uniporn all day.
All you need is a little vitamin sea.
Wel'l Wel'l Wel'l - if it isn't autocorrect.
Why do people hate bee puns?
Because they don’t want to beelieve they are good
What is large and rocky at the bottom, small and snowy at the top and has ears?
Give up? A mountain.
Yeah but what about the ears?
You never heard of mountaineers?
I met an annoying squid who wanted to become a comedian.
He wouldn’t stop kraken jokes.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
Rich people are born with a silver spoon in their mouth.
But polite french people are born with a s'il vous plaît.
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
What kind of work do pigs do after school?
Hamwork.
What do you think Abby-t going on a date sometime?
Who is running the corona virus relief?
WHO??
"Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets." - Joginder Singh
Where do kittens learn to move around? On the catwalk
How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?
FORE!
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
Are you Spotify? Cause I can listen to you all day.
I tried playing baseball in the fog today.
It was a bit hit and mist.
Ideally, the cost of a bowling game should be ten pinnies. However, with inflation, the price always goes up.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!
Hey, can I borrow your water filter? Cause you’ve got me thinking impure thoughts.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
What do you call a parrot with an umbrella? Polly unsaturated.
I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.
What kind of milk do people drink in Mexico? Soy milk.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
What did the artist tell his greatest nemesis? I challenge you to a doodle!
What do koalas do when they see social injustice happening in the world? They fight for ekoalaty!
Which city in France is the nicest?
Nice.
I was asked who my favorite vampire was. I said it was the Muppet from Sesame Street.
They said, he doesn't count!
I replied, "I can assure you, he does!"
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
Join us and let’s make pizza cheese grate again.
Did you hear that Notre Dame gave up four interceptions last week?
Knute Rockne would turnover in his grave!
When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?
What happens when a Mexican gets to the worm? He passes out.
Why is Jupiter so sad and heartbroken? Because his crush wants a plutonic relationship with him.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, was it Red Bull that gave you wings, or are you just an angel?
India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
My pet crocodile needs help
Can I give him gatorade or does it only work for alligators?
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