Hey son, do you know why the pilgrims ate biscuits at the first Thanksgiving?
Because they had a boatload of May-flour.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
If the sun shines while it’s snowing, what should you look for?
Snowbows.
I love you more than the sun and moon
I loved you since you left the womb
I love you though you are quite hairy
And I never find it scary
Even when you pick your toes
My love for you only grows
(Anonymous)
People with 20-20 vision..
Why you didn't warn us before??
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
The best way to get back at someone is to push them in the snow; after all, revenge is a dish best served cold.
A lump of red leather, a red leather lump.
There was a Young Lady of Sweden,
Who went by the slow rain to Weedon;
When they cried, 'Weedon Station!'
She made no observation
But thought she should go back to Sweden.
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving Day jokes.
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey
Why can’t a Christmas tree sew? It keeps dropping its needles.
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
Near the town of Hannah Montana people found a dinosaur skeleton.
Scientists identified it as a Mileysaurus.
My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but it turned out she just wanted to do laundry.
So I folded.
A con artist is an artist who draws pictures of criminal suspects.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Two friends were hanging out. One asks the other: "Hey, do you know about the famous detective that can't do bowel movements?"
The other friend replies: "No sh** Sherlock, of course I do!"
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
"Be kind, re-wine."
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
Hi, Cupid just called. He wanted me to tell you that he needs my heart back. Would you do that?
I'm worried that the milk I got this morning was from a cloned cow. It tasted exactly like the milk I had yesterday.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”
I’m trying to teach my son how to put the chain back on his bike but he still can’t seem to do it.
I guess it must be sprocket science.
Is this seat saved? Because I am.
Why do Geologists go to Lollapalooza? To get their "Rock" On.
Are you a microprocessor or are you etching to see me.
Why did the tree go to the dentist? To get a root canal.
Hi! Tell me a funny story about your dog. I know you've got one.
"Alcohol you later."
How does a dolphin do cocaine?
With its blow hole.
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
My wife drove our German car off the pier into the sea. The next day I went diving to look for it.
I got the Benz.
I told my mom there was a crack in her mug...
She said, ”No, only tea.”
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
Which city in France is the nicest?
Nice.
Why was the zombie so grumpy?
He woke up on the wrong side of the dead.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up!
Everyone remembers the common hieroglyphics grammar rule...
Eye before flea, except after sea.
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
Why are pilots so bad at basketball?
Because they're always traveling.
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool.
A butt lit a house on fire.
So I guess he committed Arse-on
Go to BabaMail
