There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.

Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.

What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!

Definition of Irony - When the Year Of The Rat starts with a plague.

What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.

I re-skinned my drums with the skin my faithful steed Chestnut. I want people to reflect on the emotional connection between man and beast through the art of drum solos.
But my wife says I'm just beating a dead horse.

Is your name chocolate, because you make my seratonin levels rise and give me a sense of pleasure.

You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.

I checked the meat thermometer, and you’re officially one hot bird.

What do you get when you cross a dog and a frog?
A Croaker Spaniel.

What do you call a dinosaur with a foul mouth? Bronto-swore-us.

I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.

Mmm baby! You’re decomposing in ALL the right places!

We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.

If you must cross a course cross cow across a crowded cow crossing, cross the cross coarse cow across the crowded cow crossing carefully.

Can I take your temperature? You're looking hot today.

Have you watched werewolves taking lunch, you will be amused, they literally wolf it down!

How do you wash clothes at the beach?
With Tide.

What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.

It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.

Why did the chicken cross the busy road?
It was feeling clucky.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
interrupting doctor.
interr…
You've got cancer.

What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!

A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.

What did the dolphin say when it broke its neighbor’s window?
It wasn’t on porpoise!

I want to live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.

It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.

What kind of cookies do poor people want during Halloween? Fortune cookies.

“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome

Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.

Why couldn’t the donut reach enlightenment? Because it was already holy.

How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?

Want to practice speaking in tongues with me?

Why do baby seals swim in salt water? Cause pepper water makes them sneeze.

I look at you and all the facts
I can't believe your age and how you act.
The number might suggest your old
That you should be shriveled and full of mold.

But, hey look at you
You're young in all you do
The number doesn't mean a thing
As long as you can still sing.

So may this little rhyme and verse
Be one that you don't curse.
Smile and be happy today
Remember, it's your birthday!

(Catherine Pulsifer)

Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.

Is that an energy bar in your pocket, or are you just happpy to see me?

"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw

What did the blender say to his crush?
"I have mixed feelings about you, but we might blend together perfectly."

My personal trainer said I have to come over and talk to you for five minutes as part of my routine.

I made Chinese for Easter dinner
If I had made Japanese it would have been Eastest Dinner.

Get me some cooling aloe gel, because you are making me as hot as a sunburn.

My grand father always said "fight Fire with Fire".
He was a great man but a terrible Fireman

The word Gnome is a corruption of the Latin word Genomus or earth dweller.
In other words, it's a misgnomer.

When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.

I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.

“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.

And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!

Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.

I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!

(Ilene Bauer)

What did the glass of wine say to the beer?
Nothing... They barley knew each other.

Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.

What do you say when you want to break the ice with someone?
Ice to meet you!

When I think about books, I touch my shelf.

Q: What do you call a scary berry?
A: A boo-berry.