My girlfriend and I saw an inflatable gorilla In front of a jacuzzi store
She asked me why they would do that for a jacuzzi store. I told her it was a guerilla tactic. She was not impressed.
Why did the deer go to the spa?
“To doe off some steam!”
What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race?
You’re toast!
Building a good makeup design always starts with a good foundation.
Roses are red,
But violets aren’t blue,
They’re purple, you dope,
Now go get a clue.
Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
He was getting sweepy
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
Your heart stops when you sneeze. Kind of like what happens when I think of you.
There were two knights who were fighting a long duel with each other. The fight ended when one of them chopped off the other's leg- guess the knight was defeeted.
When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.
How did the macho bee with eczema feel?
B-Itchy
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
Are people jealous of the Irish?
Yeah, they’re green with envy.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
What does the mushroom say to his lover? – “I have so mush-room in my heart for you, baby!”
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
I wood never leaf you.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
What did the pepperoni say to the cook?
You wanna pizza me?
"A hospital is no place to be sick." —Samuel Goldwyn
Why is the snail the strongest animal? Because he carries a house on his back!
An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.
Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."
Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"
Art Dealer: "He was your doctor."
My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."
How long does it take to brew Chinese tea? Oolong time.
Stay true to your shelf.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It was feeling green!
Why is Pegasus so smart?
He’s all kno-wing.
The poor werewolf was busy chasing his own tail. We were later told that he was trying to make ends meet.
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
"On cloud wine."
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
This morning I saw a beautiful flower, and thought of you.
If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.
Is it possible to scare a sasquatch out of your yard by tossing eggs at him?
Only if you eggs-terminate him.
Did you hear about the witch who got plastic surgery?
She looked really good afterworts.
Please Mr.Postman deliver to my heart.
Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
What do llamas do when they eat outside together?
They have an alpacanic.
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court…
The game would be cancelled.
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
Did you hear about the cow that was lifted into the air by a tornado? It was an udder disaster!
Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.
I told a friend that I thought his pet zebra was a fake. He said, “Well spotted”.
What's the difference between and Buffalo and a Bison?
You can't wash your face in a Buffalo.
What type of food do worms like?
Your Halloween Candy!
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