Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
Alzheimer's Center Prepares For An Affair To Remember.
I recently took a pole and found out 100% of the occupants were angry with me when their tent collapsed.
A strawberry's favorite celebrity is Mary Berry.
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
Reading sun puns while sunbathing make one well red.
Who did all this shopping? Me, my elf, and I!
Sandy was a chocoholic,
The worst I've ever seen!
If she didn't eat some daily,
She'd become crazy mean!
It didn't matter what kind it was,
Ice cream, cake, pie or candy,
As long as it was chocolate,
Sandy was fine and dandy!
Then one day the unthinkable happened,
To the chocolate loving miss,
While eating her favorite candy,
She choked on a chocolate kiss!
"Death by chocolate," the coroner concluded,
As to the cause of Sandy's death.
At least she died doing what she loved,
Eating chocolate til her last breath.
(Kim Merryman)
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
Why did the butter keep talking? Because he felt like he was really on a roll.
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
Picket.
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.”
Anthony Burgess
“If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?”
― Unknown
The group of crows that attacked the lady was accused of murder, the cawps are still looking for the probable caws.
My feelings for you have grown exponentially.
What do you call two crows flying together?
An attempted murder
Why do Ghosts avoid the rain? It dampens their spirits.
If a police officer pulls a U-Haul truck over...
did he just bust a move?
Most of your players never make it out of the lower-level tournaments. I highly doubt their Futures as a professional.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin the piggy bank again.
Why don’t oranges go around blind?
“Because they take Vitamin See!”
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
My dad works in a steel plant.
He says it's very riveting.
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
Why did the crazy man lose his job at the dairy factory? He was a danger to himself and udders.
Hi, I'm a zombie, can I eat you?
What do kittens wear? Dia-purrs!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the the peep hole and find out.
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table?
She was hogging all the food!
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
My little girl just asked for a goodnight kiss on her nose....
I said I can't kiss that thing it smells!
What's a skeletons favorite activity?
Boning.
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble 07
Are you a compound of beryllium and barium? Because you’re a total BaBe.
What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? RUDEolph.
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
What trophy do you get if you never score any points? The Art Rouse.
Where do the teenaged polar bears go to dance?
To the snow-ball.
Diving into shallow water could lead to jumping to wrong conclusions.
Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
A Blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him
Autocorrect has become my worst enema.
“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke
What did Sherlock Holmes say when he caught the Christmas tree bandit? It was elemen-tree, my dear Watt-son.
What’s the difference between a fly and an eagle?
An eagle can fly but a fly cannot eagle.
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