You're eyes are bluer than the Atlantic ocean and baby, I'm all lost at sea.
My wife chose a new dining table with a metal frame instead of a wooden one
I complimented her on picking an unteak.
I got a new cell phone for my wife...
Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!
Girl, you’re like Propofol. You’re a knockout.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
What do you do with dead geologists?
You barium.
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
The ghoul didn't get his letter on time because it got lost at the ghost office.
The wind had such a great time. You could say it had a blast.
I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today.
I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
Why don't gorillas vote?
They're ape-political.
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
Despite the pun being so orange-inal, it wasn’t all that funny.
I once had a conversation with a dolphin.
We just clicked.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
Green vegetables absolutely love going on camps as a group. Their favorite is the Brussels Scouts.
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
So … do you run here often?
Gobbling gorgoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
Wow, two teaspoons? Lucky for you, I’m a pretty good spooner myself.
Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica? It's dread-full.
It’s so hot I discovered my seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
Wow, you’re such a catch. I could never let you Chlo-e.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
It may seem a bit corny but we appreciate you working your tail off for us.
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
Excuse me! Do you know where’s the Victoria's Secret shop in this mall? You look like one of their models!
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
Initially, the passenger couldn't find where his next flight was, but fortunately, he made the connection in time.
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.
What do skeletons complain about?
Aching bones.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
What’s green and hangs from trees?
Giraffe snot.
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
Zach Galifianakis
If you don't focus on learning your lines for the production, I shutter to imagine what the reviewers will snap about.
What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
What do golf and se* have in common?
They’re two things you can enjoy even if you’re bad at both of them.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be dead
Than stuck with you!
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
“Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”—John Wilmot
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