"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
What vegetable is not allowed on ships? Leeks.
What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain?
Hi, Cliff!
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
Crows prefer carrion, so their bags are never checked at the airport.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
What is a Ghost’s favourite treat? Ice-scream floats.
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.
A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not." - Mark Twain
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
What do you call a parrot with an umbrella? Polly unsaturated.
Want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I'll dig something up!
Do you think anyone will buy the new furniture made by Apple?
iWood
Angel, I want to run all the way with you.
"A Knotty Problem"
A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?
– Patrick Winstanley
I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice.
It was a re-volting scene.
Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc on her keyboard?
Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
Why do vampires eat lentils?
Because they are so into pulses.
Here comes the sun of my life
“How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire? Both of them.”
What do you call a group of crows who see food?
A tempted murder.
What did the outraged female deer say to the mule?
How deer you!
When a man went to the doctor to get rid of the strawberry that was growing out of his head, the doctor told him, "Don't worry. I'll give you some cream for that".
the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
My pizza jokes can’t be topped!
Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.
What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes.
We’re not socks, but we make an excellent pair.
If you want to impress the crowd, hit overheads. Every point will be a smash hit.
Were you forged by Sauron? Because baby, you're precious.
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
Why did the witch stay in a hotel during her travels?
She heard they had great broom service.
My blind friend did LSD for the first time...
There was a lot more tripping than usual.
What do you call having your grandma on speed dial? Instagram.
“Venice is like eating an entire box of chocolate liqueurs in one go.”
— Truman Capote
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
Hello, eh. Girl your soft brown eyes remind me of the amazing beaver, eh.
Crows, they just love sports, crow-quet to be precise.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
What is the strongest creature in the ocean? A mussel!
"I like the parts of your face that are covered with skin."
- Anchorman 2 (2013)
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.
Baby, you're so hot it's got to be at least Fahrenheit 451 in here.
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