Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
Just so you know I have a ref full of chocolate, a couch and good films at my house.
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
What do you call a fish whith a car? A carfish!
Do you know what Tinkerbell's tooshie is called?
A fairy tale.
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
Are you a dentist? Because my heart beats faster when I see you.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
It's just a lot of croc 'n' roll.
What kind of lunch do moms never prepare in the morning?
Their own.
Ooh, you look boo-tilicious!
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
What do you think the boy star told the girl star? I really glow for you.
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.
Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
Did you heard about the zombie crow? He wants to eat your grains.
As a baseball player, I know my way around the bases.
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.
I'll be kicking myself if I don't get to know you better.
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
I thought of premeditated murder and a flash mob of crows came to my mind.
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring.
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
What time does the Wicked Witch have her clocks set to?
Greenwitch Mean Time.
Close your eyes and I will kiss you. Tomorrow I will miss you.
I've started a new band called "Blanket'
We're a cover band
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
At a restaurant, the peach said, "Hey, I would like a peach of cake for dessert, thank you!"
The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'
I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming.
How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?
He could see right through him.
I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
Do you know how to drive stick? Because I sure as hell do.
How do eels travel across the seafloor? By Octo-bus.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
"Month of May"
For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.
For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.
Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.
Why was the Copper Mountain skier taken to the emergency room?
He hurt his ski bum.
There was a Young Lady of Welling,
Whose praise all the world was a-telling;
She played on a harp,
And caught several carp,
That accomplished Young Lady of Welling.
What’s the best way to catch unicorns? Simple, by herding them all to one corner.
When does it start to rain money?
When there is change in the weather.
“A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”
Denis Waitley
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