How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
What happened when Dr. Frankenstein swallowed some uranium?
He got atomic ache.
"Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for." – Ogden Nash
What do zombie actors do before they perform?
They re-hearse.
"I run so my goals in life will continue to get bigger instead of my belly."
Bill Kirby
When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.
Quasimodo would’ve been a great detective
He always had a good hunch.
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.
"Mom Pro Tip – If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself." – Unknown
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
Let me sell you an indulgence because it's a sin to look as good as you do.
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite video game, well it's definitely 'Super Princess Peach'.
The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.
What do you call a field full of epileptic lettuce ?
Seizure Salad
What do you call a hairy beast that’s lost?
A where-wolf!
My son asked me, what’s a Greek urn?
I said, “about 20 drachmas a day.”
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
Hard cheese!
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
What did the apple say to the almond? You're Nuts!
Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
This palace is a breath of fresh heir!
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball.
Next time you’re feeling down, just remember: your plants are rooting for you. Literally!
Irish I had better jokes.
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
Why was the wheelchair basketball team banned from the Paralympics?
They all tested positive for WD-40.
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
"It's amazing how much stuff we get done the day before vacation?"
- Zig Ziglar
“A man’s womenfolk, whatever their outward show of respect for his merit and authority, always regard him secretly as an ass, and with something akin to pity.”
- H. L. Mencken.
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
Q. What is a popular search engine for ghosts?
A. GHOULgle!
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
Why is cherry pie so legendary? Because it is history in the baking.
What kind of whale can fly?
A Pilot whale.
Whenever fall arrives, leaves start changing their color autumn-matically.
Why wasn't King Kong able to climb to the top of the Empire State Building?
He couldn't quite fit in the elevator.
I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.
Nice touch.
Why did the person throw their computer cabinet in the air?
They wanted to store it in the cloud.
What do Walter Payton and Luke Skywalker have in common?
They both did great with a hand off!
Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.
It's so cold that polar bears wear jackets.
what do you need to have proper grammar?
a proper grampar.
Which murderer kills at the bottom of the ocean?
Jack the Kipper.
I would flirt with you, but I'd rather seduce you with my awkwardness From a distance.
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