The orange said to the melon, “You are one in a melon.” The melon replied, “You are so appealing.”
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be dead
Than stuck with you!
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Which hard drive is always the happiest?
Disk C:
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
Wow Avery, love the name. Makes sense since you are Avery beautiful girl.
Aren't you tired? Because you've been galloping through my mind all evening.
What does the Lone Ranger say when he takes out the garbage? To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.
What do doctors do to injured elements? They helium.
What do you call a camel that looks the same from both directions?
A palindromedary!
Did you hear about the law firm with the most intimidating lawyers?
It’s filled with liti-gators.
Flamingos are great at surfing the internet. I think it’s because they have webbed feet.
I've removed all the black keys from my piano
Hopefully I'll C Major improvement!
My sheep-powered computer was starting to run slowly
So I added more ram
Why do giraffes have long necks?
Because their feet smell.
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.
A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
Footballers love one specific type of tea; penal-tea.
That skeleton over there wanted to ask you for your number, but, unlike me, he didn’t have the guts
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
A chemist plants a seed.
He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.
What did the horse say to his friend that didn’t come party last night?
You didn’t turnout.
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
What do you do if you spill maple syrup all over your keyboard?
Just turn off sticky keys.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
Why are fish so smart?
They are always in schools!
How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
Why don’t vampire’s make good artists?
Because all they draw is blood.
What did the beach say to the water? "I need some vitamin sea."
“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield
How do you get into an all glass China cabinet?
Sorry, that's glassified.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
Why are ghosts no good at running a railway? A. Because they can’t even put on a skeleton service!
There’s a room with two tables and ten people. One table has soup, and the other table has a punch bowl. All ten people are lined up at the soup table.
Now’s when you ask: where’s the punchline?
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called the SWAT team.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks
What was the conversation like at the dinner party with all the boring flowers?
Like pollen teeth.
“In honor of Hanukkah falling on Thanksgiving, I am going to spend dinner feeling guilty about everything I have to be thankful for.” — Conan O’Brien
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies.
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
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