There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.

She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.

She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.

Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.

So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.

This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.

So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.

But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!

You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,

Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.

(Aaron M. Delao)

What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.

What sport do wasps love?
Sting-pong.

This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.

It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.

(Kevin Nishmas)

Why was the penguin so annoying?
Because he was always fishing for complements.

What did the Tyrannosaurus rex get after mopping the floor? Dino-sore!

oses are red, violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter, and so are you.

An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.

Do those legs go all the way? Because you should use them to go away.

What praise did a bat’s friend deserve? A bat on the back.

What do you call a camel with three humps?
Pregnant.

This rock was magma before it was cool.
Get it?

My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.

My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
Arson.

What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.

How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.

That dress would look great on my bedroom floor!

"My Missing Shoe"

I looked for you by the front door,
Under my bed, on the bathroom floor,
Near the back stairs, in the drawer with my socks,
Next to the table, and out in the sandbox.
My mother is calling me, and I’m calling you,
Where have you gone, my missing shoe?

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson

I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.

“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray

Why can’t a tile walk very well?
He has square feet.

What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.

What do you get if you cross a werewolf and a pet dog?
A terrified postman.

Despite the pun being so orange-inal, it wasn’t all that funny.

The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.

I love spending koala-ty time with you.

“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal

What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"

Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni

Whenever you and me get together, it's like superposition of 2 waves in phase.

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.

“As a parent you’ve only got one job to do: Keep your daughter off the pole.”

- Chris Rock.

I wish your name was Avogadro because then I would already know your number.

What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.

Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.

“Gardener’s recipe: one-part soil, two-parts water, three-parts wishful thinking.”
— Anonymous

"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker

"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio

A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"

Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!

Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!

"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers

Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today!
It was buy one get one brie.

A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.

Somehow they knew I wanted champagne. It was chilling.

Why couldn’t the police arrest the skeleton?
They couldn’t pin anything on him.

What do seals do when they need medical attention?
Sea kelp.

Where did the dog leave her car?
In the barking lot.

How do you learn more about spiders that live in the rainforest? Check out their web site!