What do you call it when a sloth eats a second plate of food?
Slothy seconds
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
I’m positive I just lost an electron.
Better keep an ion that.
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
Q: How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
By the footprints in the butter!
Sometimes planes go in for maintenance when they have cracks in their bodywork, we call them air-line fractures.
What did the librarian say to the beaver who wanted to read a help book? You can try by-rowing it.
I know somebody that thinks they might like you a lot. And if I wasn’t so shy, I would tell you who it is.
I used to hate facial hair...
But then it grew on me.
Today I went to the bee store
And I wanted 12 bee's but when I checked out the cashier gave me 13 and I asked him why he gave me 13 instead of 12 and he said it was a free bee.
I can row a boat.
Canoe?
The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, Netflix, and mimosas with no pants on.
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.
Q: Did you hear about the pea that changed careers?
A: He went into a different field!
Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?
Things ran more fluidly.
Autumn brings re-leaf from the heat.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
What type of cat will keep your garden looking nice and tidy? A lawn meower.
I’m like the Jean Baptiste-Colbert of relationships. I never trade with anyone else.
Let’s kick off shall we? I just hope that my unicorn puns won’t be too corny for you.
If an adult is called a unicorn, are its young one’s called puny-corns?
What is a flamingo's favorite thing to do at the weekend? Play fla-bingo.
What is the best way to observe the two planets between Jupiter and Neptune?
Saturn Uranus.
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice krispies.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
What do you drink before you audition for "The Voice" ? Tea-Lo Green
Are you from Stockholm? Cause you're the Swedish girl I've ever seen.
Salami get this straight, you've stolen my heart.
"I never eat November’s snowflakes, I always wait until December.” – Lucy from television show Peanuts
So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....
I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!
What do you call a deer that feeds on the blood of others?
Vlad the impala.
Which type of wine only comes in a box?
Carbordeaux.
What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.
What do you call a panda who’s lost his dinner?
Bamboozled.
Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
What made the truck driver finally stop farting?
He ran out of gas.
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
Knights have always used one type of lamp since medieval times. These lamps are now called Knight Lamps.
Roses are red. Bromothymol is blue. My love for you doesn’t have an endpoint.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.
How do you upset a dinosaur? Touchasaurus Spot.
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
You should dress up as a baker for Halloween with that set of buns.
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
“Red meat is not bad for you. Now, blue-green meat—that’s bad for you!”
— Tom Smothers
What’s the hardest part about working as a bus driver? Everyone’s talking behind your back.
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