What animals were last to leave the ark?
The elephants as they had to pack their trunks.

How do you call an extremely soothing table?
A console

Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!

What did the witch say when the door-to-door broom salesman showed her a vacuum.
I don't want an automatic. I want a stick shift!

Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.

Q. What do you get when you combine Blue Agave and literature?
A. Tequila Mockingbird

When moving a piece of furniture at the weather station, you'll be needing four casters.

What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!

“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.”

- Emo Phillips.

What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.

Why wasn't the bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?
Because baggers cant be juicers.

How did the sheep farmer become best in his field?
Shear luck.

What did one bread lover say to the other?
Before I break down and rye, I want you to know that I loaf you.

What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!

Did you know milk is the fastest liquid in existence? It’s pasteurized before you ever notice.

This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.

His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.

As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.

For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.

- Max Scratchman

Starlight, Starbright, why don’t you come home with me tonight!

Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.

Wolfs are named after lots of things around and about them. For instance, lumberjack wolfs are known as timber wolfs.

Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!

What did the pineapple say to the pineapple chunk? Stay golden.

I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies They smell just like burned toast

Sorry, did you fart? You blow me away!

Son: Hey Dad, why do you have your ear right up to that computer?
Dad: I’m listening to A Dell

What’s the opposite of Easter?
Wester

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.

They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.

Why do cows have no money?
Because farmers milk them dry.

What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George? 2 Fast 2 Curious

I had a really good fantasy football team.
Then, My Luck ran out.

How do you make an Octupus laugh? With ten-tickles

“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball

In the Camel Kingdom, the king and his family live in the Camelot castle.

"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben

Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.

Q. Where do gorillas get their gossip?
A. From the grapevine.

Life's a beach. Enjoy the waves.

Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.

It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.

Q: What did the artist say to the dentist?-
A: Matisse hurt

What’s it called your backpack messes up your spine?
Schooliosis !

Do you like vegetables because I love you from my head tomatoes.

I was not allowed to do my stand up act at the mushroom comedy show. I guess I am not a fungi.

The fisherman was playing his out-of-tune guitar.
Luckily he caught a Tuna

Boy: You know quickie has u And i together.
Girl: Too bad ugly starts with a u.

Where do boats go when they get sick? The dock

What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.

Why did the farmer decide not to buy an extra phone? It was because he already had one for onion rings.

What's a flowing water with living organisms called?
A livestream.

“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown