You must be a narrative hook. Because you’re stuck in my mind.
I recently had my hair cut.
At first I didn’t like it but now it’s growing on me.
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
If you give me your number, I promise to spam you with pictures of cute puppies on a daily basis.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
Hey, let me take you out on a first date in the snow - I promise I'm not a flaky person.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
What has 34 legs, 9 heads and 2 arms? Santa Claus and his reindeer.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Keith!
Keith who?
Keith me, my thweet preenth!
There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
Knock, knock
Who’s there? CIA CIA, who? CI ate your last doughnut!
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh at yourself.”
Ethel Barrymore
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They would all be a lot more comfortable.
“No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early.” — Groucho Marx
What do books wear on a wet and rainy day? Rain quotes.
If ten zombies run after you, what time is it?
Ten after one.
What happened when a bat misbehaved in night school?
She got suspended.
What did Gorgonzola say to Cheddar? Lookin' Sharp.
“Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy plants, and that’s the same thing.”
— Anonymous
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities.
I’d hike every trail in the world if I had you next to me.
Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.
If you were a laser, you’d be set on “stunning.”
I’ve never lost a game of football basketball or volleyball!
Though I’ve never played a game either.
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
We need to cover more ground so we should split up.
"Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy."
If a painter ever feels stressed or troubled, they take a vacation to the hills. It will easel their mind!
When I was younger, I once smashed up a nest of heron's eggs.
No egrets.
What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
That was ruff.
Where do crows type? Crows type on cawmputers.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
"Oh, here's an idea: Let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all." - Jimmy Fallon
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
A butt lit a house on fire.
So I guess he committed Arse-on
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.
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