I made Chinese for Easter dinner
If I had made Japanese it would have been Eastest Dinner.

A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.

(Dixon Lanier Merritt)

The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.

The year is 2219
A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.

Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? He couldn't concentrate!

What do vegetarian zombies say?
Graaaiiinnss!

I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.

What's a ghost with a broken leg called? A hoblin goblin.

The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission: 'When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans.'

What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.

What do baleen whales call a hook-up?
Netflix and krill.

I ain’t a personal trainer, but I can host a one-on-one workout !
We could do some cardio at your place

I’m Hazel-nuts about you

What do you call a man who is too big for an alligator to eat?
A jawbreaker.

Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.

After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.

What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.

I hate scuba diving.
It was the lowest moment of my life.

Why cant a mosquito stand on his feet?
because they dont have mosquiTOES.

Why did the penguin enter the theatre?
He wanted to go into snow business

Q: What’s red and invisible?
A: No cherries.

Who’s an apple’s favorite relative?
Granny.

You cannot strike it, if you don’t try it.

When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.

A mother catches her 12-year-old son smoking in the backyard...
"Jimmy, I can't believe this! Smoking is terrible for you, and you're so young!" Jimmy replies, "Don't worry mom, I only smoke when I'm drunk."

Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.

When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally.
Classic rook-y mistake.

Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.

Have you ever been fishing before? I think we should hook up!

Why is it bad to tell mole jokes?
It's mole-itically incorrect.

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

The investigative journalist said that he would reveal all the in-cider information this fall.

Why do donuts make terrible teachers?
They’re always glazing over the important stuff.

My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.

I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.

Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.

Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.

Did you hear the story of the little ghoul that grew up?
It became a headhunter!

Now I know why people love footballers – especially the goalies, they are real keepers.

Who tells the best egg jokes?
Comedi-hens.

“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous

What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.

I told my boss, "Sorry I'm late. I was having computer issues."
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It's my laptop.

Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.

An idea is one of the worst killers of vampires. They don't see it coming, and then it dawns on them.

Are you as spicy as your artisan hot sauce?

What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.

In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.

"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry