Burst into cheers!
How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.
What do you call a cat that works at a printing shop?
A copy cat.
What did the flower say after he told a joke?
I was just pollen your leg!
I have to spill my guts, I love Halloween!
Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."
What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
What type of noodles do swimmers like best?
Pool noodles!
Q. What does the alpha gorilla call his first wife?
A. His prime mate.
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.
Irish potatoes are spud-tacular.
Where do fish keep their money? In river banks.
Did you know dried fruits favorite news segments is...
Current events.
I banged my head on a low bridge.
Would have been ok if viaduct.
How are snow boards and vacuum cleaners alike?
Both have dirt bags on board.
Are you crippling depression and anxiety? Because you haunt me at every waking hour.
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
Why was the cat kicked out of the game? They thought she was a cheetah.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
Is your dad an Italian thief? Because you just stole a pizza my heart.
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport puns.
I think it may be terminal
What did the marathoner do after he won the race?
He decided to go into politics and run for office.
Took a flight, and my luggage got torn to pieces....
My lawyer said I don't have much of a case.
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?
A loan shark
Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because then the kids have to play indoors.
Why wasn’t the pig chosen in the football/soccer team?
It was a ball hogger.
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
Do you have any sunscreen? 'Cause you are burning me up!
What movie perfectly describes the corona virus?
No country for old men.
Putting on contacts without a mirror is hard
You just gotta eyeball it.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
Sorry if I seem shy or nervous around you,
I have a bit of phobia, I'm afraid of attractive people like you.
Did I Elijah’st fall in love?
Q: Which basketball players eat fruits?
A: The ones who like to cherry pick.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
Where do the keys on a keyboard go to have a good time
The spacebar.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.
Who was the fastest runner in the race?
Adam, because he was first in the human race.
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There were players on the other side.
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
What Do You Call A Bear With No Teeth? A Gummy Bear
What did the zombie say when he failed the exam?
- I didn't have enough brains.
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