Cell phones are a static symbol.
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
If that’s the case, would it be wrong to say that the unfaithful watermelon had an illegitimate daughtermelon?
Want to lock our bikes together?
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap?
Because it was on shale.
What do you call a man who is too big for an alligator to eat?
A jawbreaker.
Where does a camel go after he's eaten his main course? He walks straight to the desert trolley.
How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party
They planet.
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
What does a priest put on his salad?
Lettuce spray.
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
People with 20-20 vision..
Why you didn't warn us before??
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
Pretty lady, I guess wishes do come true, seeing as a boy like me met a a girl like you.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
There was an announcement on the news the other day, we've finally achieved world peas.
What do you call a fish that floats on the surface?
Bob.
You're as intoxicating as home distilled liquor.
You heard about the Spanish woman that is now a man?
He’s called Senor Rita.
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
Why did the uncouth spud not stop talking during the football game?
Because he was a common-tater.
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook"- Julia Child
I knew a vampire who was trying to become an actor. He gave it his best shot, but ended up retraining. He just couldn't find a role he could sink his teeth into.
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum
What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree?
Camembert.
If a hole isn't full of water then it isn't feeling well
How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs? He logged in.
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
What do you do if you find a blue Ichthyosaur ? Cheer him up!
Tie twine to three tree twigs.
A new bakery in town began ding extremely well. They said that business was definitely on the rise.
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
I just can't take the bad s*x anymore.
“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher
The moon landing is obviously fake.
The moon is clearly still up there.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
This weekend is going to be LITerary.
I bet you don’t talk to strangers. But, if you had my number in your phone book, we wouldn’t be strangers anymore.
What did the deer’s mother say to her daughter on her birthday?
“I remember the day you were fawn!”
One should always practice what they peach.
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
What is known as the world's wettest animal? Rain-deer.
Did you know that chemists do it on the table periodically? Let’s be chemists for a day!
What kind of face does a pilgrim make when he's in pain? Pil-grimace.
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