The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.

What’s a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.

"If I Were In Charge Of The World"

If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.

If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.

If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.

If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.

– Judith Viorst

Girl you are rocking this run.

What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.

My colleague kept on missing deadlines, so I advised him not to bite off more than he can blue!

I am so dedicated to basketball, but I promise you I will bring that dedication to our relationship.

Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?
He didn’t have a leg to stand on.

“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”

The success in this sport is not how you bowl, but how you roll.

Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Cows go.

Cows go who?

No, cows go MOO!

What steps do you take when you see a tiger running towards you? Big ones!

Which HOF defenceman was nicknamed The Gravedigger? Denis Plotvin.

Why did the duck detective get the key to the city?
Because he quacked the case.

"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."

“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Howl.
Howl who?
Howl you know if you don't open the door?

Are you from China? Cause I'm China get your number.

I’m Dublin down on what I said before.

I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!

Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)

What do you do with a green ghoul?
Wait until it ripens!

"Granny"

Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)

All through the night the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)

It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!

– Spike Milligan

Do you need more sugar or am I sweet enough?

What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!

What’s the difference between a dog and a gator?
A dog’s bark is worse than its bite.

What do magician avocados say?
Avocadabra!

Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.

There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tell it a funny Halloween joke and see which end laughs!

He is a humble husband. Unlike others, he never blows his crumpet after making breakfast for his wife everyday.

I told my boyfriend I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.

How many sheets could a sheet slitter slit if a sheet slitter could slit sheets?

What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you'll rise and shine!

"I'll have a double cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing, but not so much that it would leave a mustache."
— Niles Crane

Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.

What do you say when you see a stunned ghostbuster catch a ghoul?
He's a little confused but he's got the spirit.

What is fog's favorite drink? Mountain Dew

If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.

“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin

What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry?
A hoppercraft.

Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?
It’s cool.

Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny.

My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.

“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler

I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.

Why did the pirate captain want to hire a baseball player?
He knew he had a chest protector.

The shrubs were gearing up for a fight with the grass, but they never saw the blades come in.

What did the zombie pour on her dinner?
Grave-y.