Drink happy thoughts.
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
What types of stories do giant sequoias love to tell? Tall tales, of course.
You're like a dictionary... you add meaning to my life.
What do you call a cannibal that works in a university?
Hannibal Lecture.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
Pharaohsmith.
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
If we were binary, you’d be the one for me.
Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A panda rolling down a hill.
Why couldn't the boy run away with the farmer's daughter?
They were cantaloupe farmers.
Can I hold your hand?
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish!
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put ‘U’ and ‘I’ together.
The way you wear that sarong, it should be called a saright.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
Which sea creatures cry the most?
Whales!
Has anyone ever told you that your eyes are as clear as crystal? Because I can see straight into your soul.
The man got shocked when he got down in the river because the river current was too strong.
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
What do you call an alligator who kills bugs all day long?
A fumigator.
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angelfish.
Why should you never tell jokes about radon, cobalt and yttrium? They are just too CoRnY.
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
So how many cats do you have?
What does the iron-deficient giant say?
- Fi fo fum.
Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Because they wouldn't take a bath!
If you think chewbaccas hairy just wait till you see my wookie.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
What is an unlimited phone plan? A limit cannot be charged.
What do worms leave round their baths? The scum of the earth.
The last time I wanted to go bowling, all the pins were on strike. So I just stayed at home and watched TV instead.
Why Was The Teacher Annoyed With The Duck?
Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
I feel like we're in tune
I stole seven crows yesterday.
Got away with murder.
"As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer." - Robert Quillen"
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
What kind of cheese to beavers eat?
Edam.
Why did the egg go to school?
To get egg-ucated.
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
What is the poshest breed of dog?
A Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.
Wait a minute something’s wrong,
Something is missing in your name!
Oh, I know exactly what it is,
Our last name is not yet the same!
Q: What did one tooth say to the other tooth?
A: Thar's gold in them fills!
Go to BabaMail
