After bidding farewell to my neurosurgeon friend, we promised that we would grey in touch!
What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?
A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!
- Sarah Ziman
I wanted to do some research on organs in biology, but I had no WiFi and couldn't find the information I wanted.
I wound up using cellular.
How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed?
You buy it from the cat-alog!
Where did the independent cat decide to live? In Catalonia!
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
There's something wrong with my phone. It doesn't have your number in it.
What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
If beauty were time, you'd be an eternity.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
What did Mars tell to Saturn? Give me a ring sometime!
I really wish my five-year-old son would make up his mind! First, he said he wanted a treehouse in the backyard, but now, he says he doesn't need it…
Took me twenty years to grow that thing!
I went to the chemist today and asked the assistant "what kills the Corona Virus?"
She replied to me "Ammonia Cleaner"
I said "Oh, I am sorry, I thought you worked here."
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
Why did the fisherman start doing drugs?
Pier pressure.
One strawberry said to the other, “Were it not that you were so sweet, you wouldn’t have ended up in this jam.”
I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
When something evolves, it becomes a fork of nature.
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
What do you call an ant with big hair?
Bouff-ant.
Why don’t Penguins like rock music?
They only like sole.
What did the phone say to begin the race?
On your marks, handset, go!
There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
"His insomnia was so bad, he couldn’t sleep during office hours."
~ Arthur Baer
What did the mushroom’s sing when they won the closed-cup? - We are the champignons!
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
I rode my bike so much, I had to put a new set of wheels on it. I was about to put a third set on it, but the old bike didn’t work anymore. which is understandable. The bike was already retired.
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
It’s so hot my dream house is an igloo.
You must put a lot of spices in your food because you look smoking hot.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
IT’S A LIEEEEE!!
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
I’m not a photographer, but I can definitely picture your number on my phone.
What is the favorite bread of a crow? Crow-issant.
I told my kids that ketchup can go on anything.
You know, It’s the least condiment denominator.
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
Why does a duck say quack?
Because it can’t say moo.
What did Delaware? a New Jersey
My pet crocodile needs help
Can I give him gatorade or does it only work for alligators?
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
Flamingos are great at social events; they flamingle really well.
What does an owl with an attitude have?
A scowl.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
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