I felt like telling you the joke about a strawberry jam on a piece of bread, but I won't. You might go around spreading it.
You must be calcification on a non-contrast CT, cause you’re just glowing.
Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery?
He forgot his monk-key
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
What is a Leatherback Sea Turtles favorite sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone.
Because a flush always beats a pair.
I don't agree with battery hens.
Surely they'd lay bigger eggs if they were plugged into the mains.
Where do rocks like to sleep? In bedrocks!
I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
Opening a new shadow puppet theatre. Business plan says we'll make a fortune, but those are just projected figures.
Double bubble gum, bubbles double
I bet you I could stop gambling.
What did the angry artist say? Don't get me arted!
Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
Have you ever heard of Pavlov’s dog?
Yeah, he rings a bell
What is a polar bear’s favorite cereal?
Ice Crispies.
Why are trees so silly? All of their puns arboring and acorny.
"Bury me next to a straight man."
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
I'm no Joseph. Perhaps you can help me interpreting the dreams I've been having about you?
I'm still figuring out how to properly wear a face covering. Before I could master the art I was robbed of my beloved mask...
It was stolen from right under my nose.
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
Why was the orange feeling sad?
It lost its zest for life.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
Did you hear about the corn stalk that changed careers?
He went into a different field!
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
Every time I passed a ring-shaped coral reef with a coral rim that encircles a lagoon, I had to pay a fee. It was atoll.
If there’s an invasion army of endless flies attacking, who you gonna call?
The fly S.W.A.T. Team!
What type of baseball player gives out all the water?
The Pitcher.
Why are we only concerned about snowmen not snowwomen?
Because only men are stupid enough to stand out in the snow without a coat.
My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.
(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
I'm gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
Autumn is full of pumpkins, it is a gourd-geous time of the year.
Even Mozart couldn't make a composition as beautiful as you
The cat’s out of the bag – I love you purry much.
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”
- Erma Bombeck
I made Chinese for Easter dinner
If I had made Japanese it would have been Eastest Dinner.
When the pitch is flooded, soccer players can still go on. They just need to bring on their subs.
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice burg-ers.
Are you a virus? ‘Cause I think you’re taking control over my body.
What do you call a horse that is good at football?
Neighhhhh-mar.
I got fired from the bomb disposal squad
Too bad, I had a blast working there.
Hey girl! Let me orbit around you.
Go to BabaMail
