"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
Why do people sing in the shower?
Because the audience in the toilet is sh**!
Are you a burger? Because you can be the meat between my buns.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
What is a cat’s favorite piece of artwork? The paw-trait of Meowna Lisa.
Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.
What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.
Whatever you do this summer, be sure to make a splash.
I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
What did the dog say when he sat down on sand paper?
Rough.
The closer we came to the alley, the louder the bowling thunder.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite game?
Jump rope.
What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.
I like my coffee like I like my men: either tall or with a confusing Italian name.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
What did the man say when his wife asked if he remember to get the coffee with icecream inside it?
“Sorry! Affogato!”
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
I farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
“Morning will come, it has no choice.”
— Marty Rubin
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.
The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.
Hey girl, you must be a math book because you’re full of problems.
Why did the orange become juice?
It couldn't handle the pressure.
(While she’s leaving) "Hey, aren’t you forgetting something?"
Girl: "What?"
"Me."
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.
Are you an exoplanet? Because I’m bad at astronomy and pick up lines.
What martial art does Earth know?
Geo-Jitsu.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'
Where do pepperonis go on vacation?
The Leaning Tower of Pizza.
“No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.” – @simoncholland
What type of bread do deers enjoy the most?
“Sour-doe!”
The skeleton didn't mind that everyone called him a bonehead.
Do you like whales? Cause I was thinking that we could "humpback" at my place.
I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.
Why do volleyball players love to swim? They like diving in the deep and then floating in the shallow.
How Do Ducks Talk?
They don't, you quack.
It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
Are you a campfire? Cause you are hot and I want s’more.
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!
If I ever find out the name of the surgeon who messed up my limb transplant, I’ll kill him…
With my bear hands.
Where do electricians get their supplies? The Ohm Depot.
I love you deerly.
Biology - It grows on you.
Did I Elijah’st fall in love?
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